20: When The World Tried to Rip Out Her Soul
She was sweet and quiet and patient. Never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings or cause anyone pain, so she kept herself very quiet and wrote everything down in books. A whole stack of books about who she was just in case anyone bothered to wonder. She kept all of her feelings in books, hundreds of pages covered in tears and scribbled up notes and poems and songs, and sometimes she would just recite scriptures. Hours and hours of scriptures, word for word just to drown out the reality of her life. She was alone. She was surrounded by people who loved her, but never cared enough to really talk to her.
20 years old she was dating an 18 year old to do something spontaneous. He was such a treacherous loser {and I mean that as nicely as you can say it}, barely showered or wore clean clothes, but he had an imagination and a spirit of adventure. She wanted an adventure, she wanted something outside of herself, her "normal".
As if she had ever been normal. Her first real boyfriend was an online boyfriend who lived in Texas, her complete opposite. Most of the time she didn't even like him, but she was 18 and they were best friends. He was there for her like she was there for him and that was extremely rare for her to find somebody who really meant what they said and they put actions behind it. She was a christian, he was a Muslim. She didn't care about religion, because the boy she was in love with was a christian and, well, he didn't even know she existed and he was mean to his sister and just everything encompassing insincere {She came up with lots of reason to despise him to help with the futile feelings she had for him}. She didn't care about anything but presence. They dated 2 years until she broke up with him after an episode she kindly refers to as being pushed into doing things she was uncomfortable with. She was such a nice person that she naively allowed her niceness to over-ride her better judgement. She didn't want to hurt his feelings and because of that she fell into some kind of shock. It's called shame, but all she knew was she hurt and couldn't handle the fact that my best friend would pressure her into conforming to his ideals. The fact that he knew who she was, {who she was, was beautiful and innocent and pure} and he made her ugly.
So, at 20 she started over. She broke up with him, cut all ties and started dating Mr. Adventurous. He was an amazing artist, which intrigued her as she had a knack for the arts as well. And he had a love for childish things like, fighting with hulk gloves on with his friend. {Little boys}. And going in the middle of the night to a discreet look out point where you could see all of the cities lights twinkling. And just lay there watching the stars. Or hanging out at the park and swinging for hours. It was refreshing. She felt butterflies. As much of a loser as he was, he was still a lot of fun. Until he too had to try to conform her.
She resisted the mold, her whole life she wanted to be something beautiful and unique and wanted someone out there to understand her. Not just get what she believed in, but really believe in it too. Share her passion. Support her. It's not easy to have the whole world against you.
At 20 she had no friends that even remotely understood her, no one that shared the same passions. No one was a support system for her. No one was there for her to talk to. She broke up with her 2 month rebound and just fell into depression. Not because he was so wonderful, but because the distraction ended and she sank into the reality of her life. For all she had been investing in other people's lives, giving of herself, her time, her love, her money, her effort; HER life was completely empty.
She's a christian. She loves God. She served God. She tried to set herself apart for the things she believed were the most important, purity; purity of heart mind and soul and body. But what do you do when you need those arms and the only arms that want to hold you only want to feel you up? They all only wanted sex. To her, her body was grotesque, and the more they put it above her mind and heart the less she liked it. She had nothing to do with her eye color, her hair, the shape of her lips or legs. But her mind, she had molded that. Her heart, she had protected that with everything she had. And they wanted none of anything that was real.
She was sweet, and kind, and generous, and cared so much for her friends that sometimes she would weep over them and their bad choices that they would never get to remake. So nonchalantly giving up.
Maybe sex didn't mean as much to them as it did her? That one act of giving yourself completely to someone, when all the while she couldn't even get a guy to be interested in what was in her head much less her heart. No one loved her enough to respect who she was.
Maybe after a while everyone tries to make you conform to what makes them most comfortable.
At 20 she already didn't want to live anymore. I see 20 year olds throwing their lives away and their lives seem so much easier than hers was at 20, probably because she resisted. She vainly tried to swim up stream, and wanted to be more than just another girl. She wanted to be the one. Not just another one.
So, she's raising her son, hopefully, to look for the one and not just another one. Because somewhere out there, there are girls like she was that went through hell to maintain what they were without any support from their peers. In fact somewhere a girl like her is probably thinking she'd be better if she died than have to go through one more friend deserting her or one more guy just wanting her for a pleasure run. All for love.
This whole crazy world and all she cared about was being loved by one single person, all she needed was one single person. Makes me wonder how many people are out there everyday surrounded by people and yet they don't even have one on their side.
Maybe 20 sucked so much for her because how determined she was to be who she was. She wanted something that doesn't exist, reciprocity. Most days she keeps her mouth shut as much as possible because life has made her grow weary of letting the ignorance wash over her ears, it just sits there and rots her mind. She wanted a refresh. She would like to forget being 20, she can't redo her adolescence and it serves her no purpose to dwell on the fact that her entire history since she found her adulthood at 18 has been so filled with tragedy that it makes people stare at her with fake pity when she talks about it. I don't blame them, it's one bad relationship after the next. I don't know if she was cursed, or if her curse is simply that she allowed these things to plague her. She cares so much that it literally hangs off her back like she's pulling a boulder.
Have you ever seen anyone who is knee deep in problems? Who is lifting a heavy load? Do they look like they can concentrate well? Do they look like they have patience, or are free to just laugh and be cheerful? This is the face of someone who is carrying every hateful word that anyone has ever said to her. And as many hours in prayer, prayer calls, being prayed over, {go ahead and sprinkle me with holy water if you like} it doesn't go away. The burden doesn't lift. Pretty soon the burden is more than a person can walk with.
It may have been 9 years ago since 20 and 11 years ago since 18 when her best friends said some of the most hateful things about her and completely cut her out of their lives, but she still feels that wound. She still feels the wound of her boss telling her that she couldn't see her best friend {who was her daughter} anymore at 19 because we were so close she thought she was a lesbian. She had to quit her job and lose her best friend in one night, a month after totaling her vehicle in a very traumatic accident.
She still feels the pain of guy after guy after guy wanting something from her that she just wasn't willing to give and all the guys that she actually had feelings for, she never existed.
She still feels the pain of being told she was a burden to her parents by her sister.
She still feels the pain of flying up to Washington to visit her other sister only to have her husband verbally attack her at the age of 14 for no reason and having to hide in the bathroom because she thought it was so funny that he made her cry. Or when she was 8 and he picked her up and slammed her knee and head into the hallway and no one stood up for her or cared that she was being treated like that.
She still feels being humiliated, shamed, and excommunicated from the only friends and family she had in a church since she was a child after a nasty rumor was said about her by an accuser she wasn't even allowed to face. The ruined her reputation, her self esteem and her love of music and worshiping God. They ruined her faith in all of mankind to be trusted, just, and honorable.
She still feels the horrible hateful things that were said to her by a 'friend' that basically told her that she was on stage because she wanted to perform and she liked hearing the sound of her own voice.
She still feels the pain and feels the jealousy every time she sees someone who has a sibling around to stand up for them, she missed being defended at all. She defends herself, hence the defensive.
Listen to yourself. Listen to myself. I hear that I am repeating the things that have been said to me. I'm so full of all of the hatefulness that has been unleashed on me that I now find myself angry all the time. I'm angry at injustice. I'm angry when I see good people being treated like trash. I want to defend the people who are good people, who deserve better, that get to watch losers rise to the top because they're a stray and everyone loves a stray.
What makes you who you are is your character. At 29 I can say this much, my character is in tact. I am honest, trust worthy, loyal, sincere, and stubborn. I may not be sweet and kind and quiet anymore, but my main foundations remain the same.
20 years old she was dating an 18 year old to do something spontaneous. He was such a treacherous loser {and I mean that as nicely as you can say it}, barely showered or wore clean clothes, but he had an imagination and a spirit of adventure. She wanted an adventure, she wanted something outside of herself, her "normal".
As if she had ever been normal. Her first real boyfriend was an online boyfriend who lived in Texas, her complete opposite. Most of the time she didn't even like him, but she was 18 and they were best friends. He was there for her like she was there for him and that was extremely rare for her to find somebody who really meant what they said and they put actions behind it. She was a christian, he was a Muslim. She didn't care about religion, because the boy she was in love with was a christian and, well, he didn't even know she existed and he was mean to his sister and just everything encompassing insincere {She came up with lots of reason to despise him to help with the futile feelings she had for him}. She didn't care about anything but presence. They dated 2 years until she broke up with him after an episode she kindly refers to as being pushed into doing things she was uncomfortable with. She was such a nice person that she naively allowed her niceness to over-ride her better judgement. She didn't want to hurt his feelings and because of that she fell into some kind of shock. It's called shame, but all she knew was she hurt and couldn't handle the fact that my best friend would pressure her into conforming to his ideals. The fact that he knew who she was, {who she was, was beautiful and innocent and pure} and he made her ugly.
So, at 20 she started over. She broke up with him, cut all ties and started dating Mr. Adventurous. He was an amazing artist, which intrigued her as she had a knack for the arts as well. And he had a love for childish things like, fighting with hulk gloves on with his friend. {Little boys}. And going in the middle of the night to a discreet look out point where you could see all of the cities lights twinkling. And just lay there watching the stars. Or hanging out at the park and swinging for hours. It was refreshing. She felt butterflies. As much of a loser as he was, he was still a lot of fun. Until he too had to try to conform her.
She resisted the mold, her whole life she wanted to be something beautiful and unique and wanted someone out there to understand her. Not just get what she believed in, but really believe in it too. Share her passion. Support her. It's not easy to have the whole world against you.
At 20 she had no friends that even remotely understood her, no one that shared the same passions. No one was a support system for her. No one was there for her to talk to. She broke up with her 2 month rebound and just fell into depression. Not because he was so wonderful, but because the distraction ended and she sank into the reality of her life. For all she had been investing in other people's lives, giving of herself, her time, her love, her money, her effort; HER life was completely empty.
She's a christian. She loves God. She served God. She tried to set herself apart for the things she believed were the most important, purity; purity of heart mind and soul and body. But what do you do when you need those arms and the only arms that want to hold you only want to feel you up? They all only wanted sex. To her, her body was grotesque, and the more they put it above her mind and heart the less she liked it. She had nothing to do with her eye color, her hair, the shape of her lips or legs. But her mind, she had molded that. Her heart, she had protected that with everything she had. And they wanted none of anything that was real.
She was sweet, and kind, and generous, and cared so much for her friends that sometimes she would weep over them and their bad choices that they would never get to remake. So nonchalantly giving up.
Maybe sex didn't mean as much to them as it did her? That one act of giving yourself completely to someone, when all the while she couldn't even get a guy to be interested in what was in her head much less her heart. No one loved her enough to respect who she was.
Maybe after a while everyone tries to make you conform to what makes them most comfortable.
At 20 she already didn't want to live anymore. I see 20 year olds throwing their lives away and their lives seem so much easier than hers was at 20, probably because she resisted. She vainly tried to swim up stream, and wanted to be more than just another girl. She wanted to be the one. Not just another one.
So, she's raising her son, hopefully, to look for the one and not just another one. Because somewhere out there, there are girls like she was that went through hell to maintain what they were without any support from their peers. In fact somewhere a girl like her is probably thinking she'd be better if she died than have to go through one more friend deserting her or one more guy just wanting her for a pleasure run. All for love.
This whole crazy world and all she cared about was being loved by one single person, all she needed was one single person. Makes me wonder how many people are out there everyday surrounded by people and yet they don't even have one on their side.
Maybe 20 sucked so much for her because how determined she was to be who she was. She wanted something that doesn't exist, reciprocity. Most days she keeps her mouth shut as much as possible because life has made her grow weary of letting the ignorance wash over her ears, it just sits there and rots her mind. She wanted a refresh. She would like to forget being 20, she can't redo her adolescence and it serves her no purpose to dwell on the fact that her entire history since she found her adulthood at 18 has been so filled with tragedy that it makes people stare at her with fake pity when she talks about it. I don't blame them, it's one bad relationship after the next. I don't know if she was cursed, or if her curse is simply that she allowed these things to plague her. She cares so much that it literally hangs off her back like she's pulling a boulder.
Have you ever seen anyone who is knee deep in problems? Who is lifting a heavy load? Do they look like they can concentrate well? Do they look like they have patience, or are free to just laugh and be cheerful? This is the face of someone who is carrying every hateful word that anyone has ever said to her. And as many hours in prayer, prayer calls, being prayed over, {go ahead and sprinkle me with holy water if you like} it doesn't go away. The burden doesn't lift. Pretty soon the burden is more than a person can walk with.
It may have been 9 years ago since 20 and 11 years ago since 18 when her best friends said some of the most hateful things about her and completely cut her out of their lives, but she still feels that wound. She still feels the wound of her boss telling her that she couldn't see her best friend {who was her daughter} anymore at 19 because we were so close she thought she was a lesbian. She had to quit her job and lose her best friend in one night, a month after totaling her vehicle in a very traumatic accident.
She still feels the pain of guy after guy after guy wanting something from her that she just wasn't willing to give and all the guys that she actually had feelings for, she never existed.
She still feels the pain of being told she was a burden to her parents by her sister.
She still feels the pain of flying up to Washington to visit her other sister only to have her husband verbally attack her at the age of 14 for no reason and having to hide in the bathroom because she thought it was so funny that he made her cry. Or when she was 8 and he picked her up and slammed her knee and head into the hallway and no one stood up for her or cared that she was being treated like that.
She still feels being humiliated, shamed, and excommunicated from the only friends and family she had in a church since she was a child after a nasty rumor was said about her by an accuser she wasn't even allowed to face. The ruined her reputation, her self esteem and her love of music and worshiping God. They ruined her faith in all of mankind to be trusted, just, and honorable.
She still feels the horrible hateful things that were said to her by a 'friend' that basically told her that she was on stage because she wanted to perform and she liked hearing the sound of her own voice.
She still feels the pain and feels the jealousy every time she sees someone who has a sibling around to stand up for them, she missed being defended at all. She defends herself, hence the defensive.
Listen to yourself. Listen to myself. I hear that I am repeating the things that have been said to me. I'm so full of all of the hatefulness that has been unleashed on me that I now find myself angry all the time. I'm angry at injustice. I'm angry when I see good people being treated like trash. I want to defend the people who are good people, who deserve better, that get to watch losers rise to the top because they're a stray and everyone loves a stray.
What makes you who you are is your character. At 29 I can say this much, my character is in tact. I am honest, trust worthy, loyal, sincere, and stubborn. I may not be sweet and kind and quiet anymore, but my main foundations remain the same.
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