Fix me!
Have you ever been so tired you literally wanted to do nothing? Like nothing, nothing. I don't mean just be lazy, I mean you literally just want to sit in a room with no noises and almost sleep {coma-like}. No thinking about problems you don't know how to fix until your eyes literally feel like they could roll out of your head onto the floor. No crying even though you feel like you're a dam and you're holding back an ocean of sorrow behind your eyes and if given the opportunity you just might fill up a room enough to swim or sink, or drown in. No planning, because God knows you've planned until He comes back and still life seems to do it's own thing willy-nilly. No fixing, no cleaning, no cooking, no looking around at all the things you should be doing because mentally you feel like you've just run a marathon on legs that can barely walk.
I feel that way. I'm so frustrated and panicked at not being able to fix everything right now, I've been on the phone so many hours this month trying to get answers and fix problems, talking to customer service representatives, supervisors and automated systems. I'm talked out. I'm sick of being talked at.
I'm tired of doing my best and then being shot down. I don't like being put in a situation where I can't succeed. Where I can't meet somebody's requirements. Where I can't please someone, even though they guarantee to you there's nothing wrong. Somethings wrong! Obviously something is wrong if you've graded me like that. Obviously you're not communicating and so I just keep pissing you off without knowing it. And that pisses me off. If I'm doing something wrong, freaking tell me so I have the opportunity to change. Not just drop it on someone all of a sudden.
It makes me not want to try. It makes me want to say, screw it. My whole childhood and adolescence was that over the top futility of trying to reach that unreachable standard. To read people's minds and do what they wanted me to do, when they wanted me to do it, and smile even though I wanted to punch them in the face. SQUEEZE yourself into that tiny little box that people would like so much for you to fit in because it's so much more convenient if you're like them. I'm not like you. I'm glad I'm not.
So, yes, I'm tired. I'm that mentally tired. I just don't want to talk, be talked to, I am tired of being pushed around and disrespected. I'm tired of people thinking being talked to is the same as having a conversation, because it isn't. I'm tired of people thinking they can walk all over me just because I'm nice and generally let you do what makes you happy. I expect the same generosity back that I give. I expect that when I am nice and think of you, you will think of me and be courteous of my feelings.
I'm tired of life. I'm tired of having to fix problems. I'm burnt out. I don't want to hear another person ask me if I can do something for them. No, I can't. Because frankly I'm so tired I don't even have the strength to want to do things for myself. My roots are showing, I don't have the want to even dye my hair. I'm out of make up and know I should probably buy some, but I don't because that would mean I'd have to take the time and effort to put it on.
Do you truly know what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes? Probably not. I know people have it worse off than me, but I have different limits and sometimes I just know when I've hit them. I don't want to be wife, mom or daughter today. Heck, I don't even want to be Julie. I just want to be a warm body sitting in a room like a zombie in front of the t.v. so I can drown out the anxiety I have in my head about tomorrow.
how am I going to fix the problems of tomorrow? It's easy to say, Don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. But tomorrow is Monday and so businesses open up and all my problems come crashing in all over again. Banks, Payroll, bills, etc. All of them wake from their weekend slumber and come knocking on my door.
{Fix me!}
I feel that way. I'm so frustrated and panicked at not being able to fix everything right now, I've been on the phone so many hours this month trying to get answers and fix problems, talking to customer service representatives, supervisors and automated systems. I'm talked out. I'm sick of being talked at.
I'm tired of doing my best and then being shot down. I don't like being put in a situation where I can't succeed. Where I can't meet somebody's requirements. Where I can't please someone, even though they guarantee to you there's nothing wrong. Somethings wrong! Obviously something is wrong if you've graded me like that. Obviously you're not communicating and so I just keep pissing you off without knowing it. And that pisses me off. If I'm doing something wrong, freaking tell me so I have the opportunity to change. Not just drop it on someone all of a sudden.
It makes me not want to try. It makes me want to say, screw it. My whole childhood and adolescence was that over the top futility of trying to reach that unreachable standard. To read people's minds and do what they wanted me to do, when they wanted me to do it, and smile even though I wanted to punch them in the face. SQUEEZE yourself into that tiny little box that people would like so much for you to fit in because it's so much more convenient if you're like them. I'm not like you. I'm glad I'm not.
So, yes, I'm tired. I'm that mentally tired. I just don't want to talk, be talked to, I am tired of being pushed around and disrespected. I'm tired of people thinking being talked to is the same as having a conversation, because it isn't. I'm tired of people thinking they can walk all over me just because I'm nice and generally let you do what makes you happy. I expect the same generosity back that I give. I expect that when I am nice and think of you, you will think of me and be courteous of my feelings.
I'm tired of life. I'm tired of having to fix problems. I'm burnt out. I don't want to hear another person ask me if I can do something for them. No, I can't. Because frankly I'm so tired I don't even have the strength to want to do things for myself. My roots are showing, I don't have the want to even dye my hair. I'm out of make up and know I should probably buy some, but I don't because that would mean I'd have to take the time and effort to put it on.
Do you truly know what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes? Probably not. I know people have it worse off than me, but I have different limits and sometimes I just know when I've hit them. I don't want to be wife, mom or daughter today. Heck, I don't even want to be Julie. I just want to be a warm body sitting in a room like a zombie in front of the t.v. so I can drown out the anxiety I have in my head about tomorrow.
how am I going to fix the problems of tomorrow? It's easy to say, Don't worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself. But tomorrow is Monday and so businesses open up and all my problems come crashing in all over again. Banks, Payroll, bills, etc. All of them wake from their weekend slumber and come knocking on my door.
{Fix me!}
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