Limbo
Yep, I just epiphany'd in the shower. I came to the realization of why today pushed me over the edge.
Today was just a classic example of my entire life. My whole life consists of waiting on people. My life is on hold. Only it's not holding, it's passing by me.
Hours, days, weeks, months... It's been 7 months since I've moved into my new house and I have all these plans, but I'm waiting. I have to wait on everyone to help me, or do it for me because I'm unprepared, under informed, and unqualified {it seems} to be able to even use someone else's tool because I'll break it, apparently. {Even though I've never broken anything, mine or anyone else's}.
And before this house, I waited, waited, waited to get out of debt, to have a better job, to have a savings account, to have my own place with my own things and no rely on other people. I'm sick of relying on everyone else!
I'm sick of waiting around for people that aren't going to show. I'm not a priority. I'm never a priority.
I'm not having a pity party, I'm 29 years old and this point in my life I get it. I'm not a priority. I'm not at the top of anyone's list for anything. I'm no one's best friend, I'm not an expert in anything, I'm not in the top of my field in anything, I'm not the world's best mom, I'm not the world's best wife. I'm not extraordinarily smart, beautiful, or charming. I'm so disgustingly ordinary.
But I'm not even ordinary. I'm a freak.
Because I push so hard to do well and I've never done well. So I'm a freak with a little bit of OCD in being a perfectionist or succeeding and I still can't get anything done.
So I'm someone who loves a clean house destined to live in a pig sty. I'm someone who wants to home-school her children, but has almost no time to even sit down and teach them. I'm someone who wants to have a bright financial future, but can't seem to make any leeway on anything. I'm someone who wants to be carefree and live life and enjoy it, but I'm so freaking busy waiting on people that my days disappear.
It seems I am doomed to wait on everyone, in every sense of the word. I am a wait-tress.
And I'm just foolish enough to believe every time someone says they'll be there they will, so I wait and then I go through the same speech in my head every time when they don't show. Why do you listen!? Move on with your life.
Figure it out, you're going to have to do it alone.
Or live in this horrible wrenching annoyingly boring limbo.
Today was just a classic example of my entire life. My whole life consists of waiting on people. My life is on hold. Only it's not holding, it's passing by me.
Hours, days, weeks, months... It's been 7 months since I've moved into my new house and I have all these plans, but I'm waiting. I have to wait on everyone to help me, or do it for me because I'm unprepared, under informed, and unqualified {it seems} to be able to even use someone else's tool because I'll break it, apparently. {Even though I've never broken anything, mine or anyone else's}.
And before this house, I waited, waited, waited to get out of debt, to have a better job, to have a savings account, to have my own place with my own things and no rely on other people. I'm sick of relying on everyone else!
I'm sick of waiting around for people that aren't going to show. I'm not a priority. I'm never a priority.
I'm not having a pity party, I'm 29 years old and this point in my life I get it. I'm not a priority. I'm not at the top of anyone's list for anything. I'm no one's best friend, I'm not an expert in anything, I'm not in the top of my field in anything, I'm not the world's best mom, I'm not the world's best wife. I'm not extraordinarily smart, beautiful, or charming. I'm so disgustingly ordinary.
But I'm not even ordinary. I'm a freak.
Because I push so hard to do well and I've never done well. So I'm a freak with a little bit of OCD in being a perfectionist or succeeding and I still can't get anything done.
So I'm someone who loves a clean house destined to live in a pig sty. I'm someone who wants to home-school her children, but has almost no time to even sit down and teach them. I'm someone who wants to have a bright financial future, but can't seem to make any leeway on anything. I'm someone who wants to be carefree and live life and enjoy it, but I'm so freaking busy waiting on people that my days disappear.
It seems I am doomed to wait on everyone, in every sense of the word. I am a wait-tress.
And I'm just foolish enough to believe every time someone says they'll be there they will, so I wait and then I go through the same speech in my head every time when they don't show. Why do you listen!? Move on with your life.
Figure it out, you're going to have to do it alone.
Or live in this horrible wrenching annoyingly boring limbo.
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