assumptions about life
I think it's kind of funny how when you're a kid you're so far in a different reality. No one ever told me life would be easy, I just assumed it would be the same always. I had challenges as a kid, normal ones, like what am I going to do tomorrow? And...She took my barbie clothes. I didn't have to think about solutions to problems that sometimes I wouldn't be able to find the answer to, or even when I found the answer it wasn't a fun solution or a good one but it's the one that exists. You can't always change the outcome. You learn that in small portions as a child, but as an adult it has such bigger consequences. Higher stakes. Everything gets more complicated with knowledge. That is why a very intelligent person once said that Ignorance is bliss. Because it is.
And in my own definition ignorance is just another word for innocence, sometimes. The innocent mind is unaware of things. And that is in no way a fault, it's a blessing, totally. I miss the days that I didn't know how hard life would get one day and I thought that everyone was mostly good, or had good intentions atleast. I miss feeling safe in that world where it consisted of friends and family only and thanks to my parents I rarely had to ever put up with anyone outside of that circle. I was protected, some might say overly, but I am thankful for that now. I used to think it was cruel because growing up was such a rude awakening. Learning those lessons when you thought a friend was a friend and suddenly in adulthood they're stripped of that person you trusted and became something completely tainted.
That loss of innocence can be a smoothe adjustment or it can be a complete car wreck. Most of my friends took the car wreck route (as did I, only MUCH later in life) and I was powerless to watch them sort of just destroy themselves, or atleast the parts that I cherished, and become a bitter taste. It's hard to watch potential rot.
I had alot of assumptions about life. And after learning several hard lessons repeatedly (sometimes it seemed like God was screaming in my face) I began to just become suspicious of everyone and everything. Logically you know nothing lasts and after a while you begin to think tragedy is just waiting for you around the corner. It's scary to live like that, thinking life is hunting you. Thinking you're already beat and that no matter how many good decisions you make, a wrong one can undo all of your hard work. A long lesson in futility. A game you can't win, so to speak.
And to be perfectly honest somedays it still feels that way. Somedays I feel trampled on, or like things are dogpiling me. Like the world and all it's comlicated little strings are burying you alive. Mostly those are small moments though. I think God makes people like me run at our best potential under fire. I am my most positive and strong when I'm being met with resistance, a challenge. Dare me. Push me, you'll feel me push back even harder.
I guess it's because after all I've been through I finally have something worth fighting for, because myself was never enough. When I was a teenager I battled with depression for years, even though I was very deeply involved in church and doing what seemed to be my greatest passion (singing, piano, writing). I was everyone's friend and had lots of friends, but really no friends at all and when I turned the light out at night I was still filled with sadness and loneliness. I was trying so hard to be perfect, to be good, to have a righteous image, to do what God wanted me to, to do what my parents wanted me to, to do what was expected of me, to not let anyone down... And now, I don't care because in the end all that matters is my kids.
I don't care how hard life gets because there is nothing my children can't erase. They are God's gift of redemption for me. I might of had a rough start to adulthood, I might of made alot of poor choices, but in the end they all came around to having them and so it makes all of that other complete non-sense and I can't possibly regret any twist in the road that lead me to them. It would be unthinkable.
So now at 27 I assume life is going to be hard sometimes, I assume there will be challenges, I assume I'll give up alot but I also assume that it will be worth the hard work and perserverance... as long as I have my family and those goals waving at me in the distance, I'm strong in my resolve. :)
Work hard. Love harder. Life life to the fullest.
And in my own definition ignorance is just another word for innocence, sometimes. The innocent mind is unaware of things. And that is in no way a fault, it's a blessing, totally. I miss the days that I didn't know how hard life would get one day and I thought that everyone was mostly good, or had good intentions atleast. I miss feeling safe in that world where it consisted of friends and family only and thanks to my parents I rarely had to ever put up with anyone outside of that circle. I was protected, some might say overly, but I am thankful for that now. I used to think it was cruel because growing up was such a rude awakening. Learning those lessons when you thought a friend was a friend and suddenly in adulthood they're stripped of that person you trusted and became something completely tainted.
That loss of innocence can be a smoothe adjustment or it can be a complete car wreck. Most of my friends took the car wreck route (as did I, only MUCH later in life) and I was powerless to watch them sort of just destroy themselves, or atleast the parts that I cherished, and become a bitter taste. It's hard to watch potential rot.
I had alot of assumptions about life. And after learning several hard lessons repeatedly (sometimes it seemed like God was screaming in my face) I began to just become suspicious of everyone and everything. Logically you know nothing lasts and after a while you begin to think tragedy is just waiting for you around the corner. It's scary to live like that, thinking life is hunting you. Thinking you're already beat and that no matter how many good decisions you make, a wrong one can undo all of your hard work. A long lesson in futility. A game you can't win, so to speak.
And to be perfectly honest somedays it still feels that way. Somedays I feel trampled on, or like things are dogpiling me. Like the world and all it's comlicated little strings are burying you alive. Mostly those are small moments though. I think God makes people like me run at our best potential under fire. I am my most positive and strong when I'm being met with resistance, a challenge. Dare me. Push me, you'll feel me push back even harder.
I guess it's because after all I've been through I finally have something worth fighting for, because myself was never enough. When I was a teenager I battled with depression for years, even though I was very deeply involved in church and doing what seemed to be my greatest passion (singing, piano, writing). I was everyone's friend and had lots of friends, but really no friends at all and when I turned the light out at night I was still filled with sadness and loneliness. I was trying so hard to be perfect, to be good, to have a righteous image, to do what God wanted me to, to do what my parents wanted me to, to do what was expected of me, to not let anyone down... And now, I don't care because in the end all that matters is my kids.
I don't care how hard life gets because there is nothing my children can't erase. They are God's gift of redemption for me. I might of had a rough start to adulthood, I might of made alot of poor choices, but in the end they all came around to having them and so it makes all of that other complete non-sense and I can't possibly regret any twist in the road that lead me to them. It would be unthinkable.
So now at 27 I assume life is going to be hard sometimes, I assume there will be challenges, I assume I'll give up alot but I also assume that it will be worth the hard work and perserverance... as long as I have my family and those goals waving at me in the distance, I'm strong in my resolve. :)
Work hard. Love harder. Life life to the fullest.
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