Are you what you are, or what?
I've been thinking lately.. well, really just in the last few moments.. about how life is in constant motion. Everything is constantly moving and if you take even a moment to stand still you get behind, if you're not moving forward you're going backwards. There is no staying where you are, especially when it comes to being a better person (in general or specifically). If you're not trying to learn, do, be something more daily you're really forgeting things you'd already learned. Opposite progress. Unprogress? hehe.
So, the last few years that I've been neglecting certain aspects of myself I have gotten very far behind. Not just physically, although that is a big complaint of mine. (Child bearing is hard to bounce back from lol when you're already out of shape!)
I don't want to be what I was when I was 20, because frankly my life sucked. I was lonely, I was obsessed with working out and having a better body, I dated guys I didn't like because I was too chicken to ask out the ones I did like, I had shallow friends that weren't really a support system (goes back to the lonely), I had horribly low self esteem, I was financially irresponsible, I donated far too much of my time to my local church and youth group and not enough on finding out the things in life that would of fulfilled me. I guess it does really come down to just restless and unfulfilled. So, all the years up to 20 lead up to being unhappy. And they really only got worse until I had kids. So, no. I'm not one of those 27 year olds that wishes she was 18 again, those were really unhappy times that I don't wish to revisit. I'm happier now than I have been, probably because I focus less on myself than I used to and I care less about pleasing people which used to make me absolutely miserable. (Because, if you haven't noticed by now, people cannot be pleased. It's a futile process.)
I want to be better than I am now, however. In alot of senses. It's on my list. And my list is extensive, but I feel I'm making progress. Even if it is at a tortoises pace.
I want to even out the distance between progress and life's speed. I should be better off than I am right now.
I think it's kind of ironic that the things I consider my worst decisions are things that people do on a regular basis, in church and out of church. And yet I used to feel like the worst person in the world for making them. Is that arrogance? That because I made them, they're worse than other people making them? Like I should know better? IDK. But I don't feel as bad about them anymore. I wished I could of felt less pressured to be inhumanly perfect (People definitely view me as inhuman sometimes, probably because of this need to appear just right?). I think I might of enjoyed my youth so much more had I been able to make bad decisions and bounce back from them quickly, but every mistake I make feels like a death. And I go through the process of grieving the death and then having to resurrect myself, which is very exhausting and consuming. I feel like a cat that's on it's 7th life. lol
And I feel kind of jaded. A bit tainted. Like I'm worn in areas that make me impatient with certain things, like religion, now. And everytime I get in those situations where I'm around people like I used to be (very zealous about christianity and the life that should be lived) I almost feel like I want to smack them because I automatically feel judged even though they have no idea what I've done or who I am or what I'm even thinking when I listen to them talk. I must be projecting lol. And I think to myself, I have no right to be there because I don't believe in the things they do anymore. And I truly feel like a fake. That is like the worst blasphemy to myself.
Maybe I buy into the things people have said about me a little too much. I believe words are very powerful (Like I've mentioned a million times). I think they kill people daily. Even if something is "truth" sometimes I don't think there's a way you can say it without damaging people. And I also think that opinions are not the truth, they might be a personal truth, but that is not the same thing. And no one has the right to kill somebody by speaking an opinion of them. Because some people, like me, never really get over it totally.
Probably why as an adolescent I was such an advocate for taking care of the weak. Standing up for those who couldn't, being friends to people who were shunned for being uncool (etc).
I can't stick on a subject to save my life. And I think I repeat myself alot these days. Just the same thoughts drilling through my head. Trying to work out problems, some of the same problems I've had for four years straight. Kind of like math (I'm horrible at math). I want to solve, but I need solutions to do that. I've tried reconciliation. I've tried revisiting the past and seeing if maybe I just over-reacted (nope, totally didn't). I've tried sympathizing. I've tried forgetting (And as you can see it certainly hasn't worked, lol).
1. Forgive + 2. Forget.... is an impossible task.
Life is a merry-go-round... once you get off it it is awfully hard to jump back onto a moving platform lol.
I guess I would have to resolve these thoughts with this... I do not regret my decisions in life. They are who I am, unfortunate as it may be, not everyone gets the same road as the next person. As cosie and comfortable as some people's lives may seem, if it was me I would find a way to make it less so lol. I am who I am. To quote a famous song (one of my favorites)
"What I am is what I am, are you what you are, or what?" And no, it's not popeye.
So, the last few years that I've been neglecting certain aspects of myself I have gotten very far behind. Not just physically, although that is a big complaint of mine. (Child bearing is hard to bounce back from lol when you're already out of shape!)
I don't want to be what I was when I was 20, because frankly my life sucked. I was lonely, I was obsessed with working out and having a better body, I dated guys I didn't like because I was too chicken to ask out the ones I did like, I had shallow friends that weren't really a support system (goes back to the lonely), I had horribly low self esteem, I was financially irresponsible, I donated far too much of my time to my local church and youth group and not enough on finding out the things in life that would of fulfilled me. I guess it does really come down to just restless and unfulfilled. So, all the years up to 20 lead up to being unhappy. And they really only got worse until I had kids. So, no. I'm not one of those 27 year olds that wishes she was 18 again, those were really unhappy times that I don't wish to revisit. I'm happier now than I have been, probably because I focus less on myself than I used to and I care less about pleasing people which used to make me absolutely miserable. (Because, if you haven't noticed by now, people cannot be pleased. It's a futile process.)
I want to be better than I am now, however. In alot of senses. It's on my list. And my list is extensive, but I feel I'm making progress. Even if it is at a tortoises pace.
I want to even out the distance between progress and life's speed. I should be better off than I am right now.
I think it's kind of ironic that the things I consider my worst decisions are things that people do on a regular basis, in church and out of church. And yet I used to feel like the worst person in the world for making them. Is that arrogance? That because I made them, they're worse than other people making them? Like I should know better? IDK. But I don't feel as bad about them anymore. I wished I could of felt less pressured to be inhumanly perfect (People definitely view me as inhuman sometimes, probably because of this need to appear just right?). I think I might of enjoyed my youth so much more had I been able to make bad decisions and bounce back from them quickly, but every mistake I make feels like a death. And I go through the process of grieving the death and then having to resurrect myself, which is very exhausting and consuming. I feel like a cat that's on it's 7th life. lol
And I feel kind of jaded. A bit tainted. Like I'm worn in areas that make me impatient with certain things, like religion, now. And everytime I get in those situations where I'm around people like I used to be (very zealous about christianity and the life that should be lived) I almost feel like I want to smack them because I automatically feel judged even though they have no idea what I've done or who I am or what I'm even thinking when I listen to them talk. I must be projecting lol. And I think to myself, I have no right to be there because I don't believe in the things they do anymore. And I truly feel like a fake. That is like the worst blasphemy to myself.
Maybe I buy into the things people have said about me a little too much. I believe words are very powerful (Like I've mentioned a million times). I think they kill people daily. Even if something is "truth" sometimes I don't think there's a way you can say it without damaging people. And I also think that opinions are not the truth, they might be a personal truth, but that is not the same thing. And no one has the right to kill somebody by speaking an opinion of them. Because some people, like me, never really get over it totally.
Probably why as an adolescent I was such an advocate for taking care of the weak. Standing up for those who couldn't, being friends to people who were shunned for being uncool (etc).
I can't stick on a subject to save my life. And I think I repeat myself alot these days. Just the same thoughts drilling through my head. Trying to work out problems, some of the same problems I've had for four years straight. Kind of like math (I'm horrible at math). I want to solve, but I need solutions to do that. I've tried reconciliation. I've tried revisiting the past and seeing if maybe I just over-reacted (nope, totally didn't). I've tried sympathizing. I've tried forgetting (And as you can see it certainly hasn't worked, lol).
1. Forgive + 2. Forget.... is an impossible task.
Life is a merry-go-round... once you get off it it is awfully hard to jump back onto a moving platform lol.
I guess I would have to resolve these thoughts with this... I do not regret my decisions in life. They are who I am, unfortunate as it may be, not everyone gets the same road as the next person. As cosie and comfortable as some people's lives may seem, if it was me I would find a way to make it less so lol. I am who I am. To quote a famous song (one of my favorites)
"What I am is what I am, are you what you are, or what?" And no, it's not popeye.
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