Church isn't safe

I had a thought tonight. 

I am not the only one who is still angry. 

I sit up once again, circling around, like I'm stuck in a whirlpool. I've been stuck in for 18 years. 

That's a long fucking time.

My anger is righteous. It was from day one. I wasn't just offended because of the sheer audacity of it all, but now I think of the character of the two men who stood up against me and questioned my honor... 

A porn addict and a man who currently lived with his girlfriend. And there I was a young woman who had strove her whole life to remain pure. To be above reproach and impropriety. To set a good Godly example for young girls. 

We don't need to smoke, drink, or have sex to have fun. 

They're the dirty ones. But also further than that... They pushed him on me. Just because he was interested in ME. Did they even know his character? No. They didn't. 

And I sit here and the voice in my head says, Julie you aren't the only one who's still angry. 

God's anger still burns for you. For the pain you've endured. The life and reputation you lost. And because they were his people that did this to you. 

The church should be safe. I honestly did not expect the blow from there. I did not expect any of it. 

I did not expect a "Christian" man to take advantage of me and basically rape me... Didn't expect the possibility that he was having sex with other girls, one of whom left their underwear in his bedroom... Didn't expect that I would be blamed for it and gossip would run like wildfire through the church... Sermons would be made targeted at ME... And then I'd be kicked off of everything and ostracized for something I didn't choose, something that HAPPENED to me. Because their minds were in the gutter and not a single one of them knew my heart. If they knew me they'd known I wouldn't have ever done what they accused me of. 

And I lost everything. Why? Because they failed me. The church failed me. The leadership failed me. My parents failed me. My friend failed me. My family failed me. 

No one protected me. And I couldn't protect myself because it came from a place that I didn't know I had to protect myself. I was vulnerable because I had no idea there were predators lurking in the one place I thought I was safe. 

Church isn't safe. It's a place all the dirty sinners come to pretend together that they're wholesome. The culture in churches is the same as the world's. 

I was so naive. And I know God is angry for me still. I keep feeling like I need to get my story out. But guess what, I'm still married to the person who abused me and he's the father of my children... So how do I do that without ruining our lives? 

I've been thinking anonymous podcast. Or a book written with a pen name.