Faulty

It's really hard to realize why everything happened the way it did. 

I used to think I was just broken. 

Something was innately wrong with me. 

I didn't know why I didn't understand people. Why I felt so disconnected and could not fit in for all the things I tried. 

I saw the way people looked at me. And I didn't know why. I legitimately thought I was ugly. I thought I was a freak. I thought I was unlovable. 

And every relationship that broke I felt it more and more. Fault. 

It was my fault. I'm the problem. 

Turns out I'm just autistic. And this whole time, my whole childhood when I was told I was selfish and ungrateful and mean and cold and a troublemaker... And felt like an inconvenience, a burden, a strain on my parent's finances, and an intruder on my family... It was just because my brain doesn't work the same way. And they misunderstood me at my very core. They didn't give me the benefit of a doubt and believe I was just a good kid who didn't understand. 

Their hatefulness made me rebellious. Because after a while a child understands that you don't like them because you make their life hard and they're being punished unfairly because they lack patience and self control. And if you can't win the game, why bother playing by the rules? 

But ADHD and autism run in genetics so how many of my family members are autistic and don't know it? How many of them put their guilt and fault on me because they didn't know who they were? Not deep down. They didn't know their own good character enough to say, "no, I'm not that label that society or my parents put on me." And give themselves grace and in turn give me the grace and love I needed. 

They pushed all their brokenness on me. And I embodied that and took it as if it was my skin to wear. I wore it and let it destroy me in so many ways. 

I made so many decisions based on the faulty idea that I deserved all that mistreatment. Because I was the problem. And it's all my fault. 

Do you know how heavy that is? To know that you were taken advantage of because no one in your family cared enough to protect you?