Detached

Sometimes I catch myself wishing he was just gone and I didn't have to deal with him anymore. 

And maybe that sounds harsh, but he's literally all the stress. He makes everything worse. And he mocks me as if I'm just being dramatic when I tell him that. But he legitimately makes everything in life that's already hard, harder. 

Bad situations he finds a way to make them worse. Good situations he ruins. Minor inconveniences he manages to turn into a huge freaking ordeal. Like God forbid he ever have to use his own brain to solve a single problem. 

Reasons I have wanted a divorce from day one: 

1. I don't trust him. The pattern of him being untrustworthy is long and wide. 

2. He's a liar. 

3. He's deceptive and secretive. He's managed to keep friendships with women he's known since highschool a complete secret from me our entire marriage. And I only found out she existed and was talking to him still, divorced, lives in the area, knew where he worked, and had his current phone number... On accident. And when I continued him he insisted he'd done nothing wrong. 

4. He's lazy. He will let me do all the work insist on his children doing all the work, while he sits on his rear end. 

5. He's selfish. He will not put in any work to care for another individual and only ever thinks about who is going to care for him. 

6. Everything is always about him. His feelings are the only ones that ever matter. Everyone has to think about him, care for him, make his life easier. 

7. He's an asshole. He talks to people like they're trash. Treats people as if they're only alive to cater to his every whim and when you disagree with him he mocks you. 

8. He's a terrible lover. Once again, selfish. Everything is always about him. When he's horny he wants sex, doesn't matter what I want or when I want it. It's always about his mood, his feelings, his satisfaction, what feels good to him, what's easiest for him. I do all the work and when he's got what he wants he's done.

9. He's dull, boring, and has zero conversation skills. I should have seen this coming honestly with the way his parents are. He is not an intellectual. In fact, I don't think he thinks about actual things that really matter unless they're some controversial crap his friends care about. 

10. We have nothing in common. We don't love the same anything. Music, books, food, hobbies, etc. 

11. He's an awful father. Selfish, self absorbed human being who thinks children are here for his gratification. To make HIM look good. To be some kind of life fulfillment for him. To entertain him. A bragging right "I have kids". But he's done absolutely nothing to raise them. 

12. He's manipulative and controlling. He always wants to know where I am, who I'm with, and when I'll be home. And the few times he's actually required to watch his own children he calls me to find out when I'm coming home and why I've been gone so long. Every. Single. Time. Sometimes multiple times. 

13. He refuses to communicate. He will not respond to my text messages ever. He refuses. He will call me and when I refuse to answer the phone and text him back because I'm in a conversation he will not respond to me. Then gets angry because I didn't answer the phone. 

I'm just going up keep adding things to this list as I remember them. I have 18 years of examples.