Something Easy
Most people's lives have at least some areas where there isn't a struggle. If you look you notice that somethings just fall into place, there's always something easy, isn't there? Not every thing requires toil, whatever it may be. Maybe finances have always kind of been an easy thing, good steady reliable jobs and income. Maybe it's a relationship, no matter what you always knew you were loved and you could get through anything together, you were in it with your best friend. Maybe you were set up in life by your parents, so you really had a great preparation for dealing with adulthood. You made plans and things just kind of went how you expected them to. I've met people like this, so I know they exist. I'd love to know the secrets to it all and how you can design your life to run like this because so far that hasn't been my life even a little bit.
I often just pray for one simple thing, one thing to go the easy way. One thing that doesn't require hard work and perseverance. Just something easy that you can fall into and not have to worry about, a quick win you can check off. A respite from the usual complicated mess.
I don't know why everything has to be so difficult. I'm not a difficult person. I'm a hard working person that isn't afraid of challenges, but I would at some point like to just be able to lay back and stop having to be on top of every single detail because when I stop being alert things just stop moving. Wheels that we need in constant motion, just halt. Piles build up. Messes take over. And the problems multiply. It's not my plans that go through, obviously. I can't see what God is doing, but apparently he really wants me uncomfortable. He wants me to really get this lesson. That some people are allowed to and I'm not. Some people can and I cannot. Some people are allowed and I am not. The rules that other people get to live by, I don't.
I know plenty of people work hard to achieve their goals, but it seems like they are blessed in their endeavors and I am not. It feels like every time I think I've got an answer to our problems it becomes so very clear after just a few steps into it that I am not able to dedicate myself to more than one thing at a time. Things fall apart. I don't have those back ups that most people have. I am either incapable, or once again God is trying to tell me this isn't for me.
Have you ever been in a season when you felt like you were just getting all No's? I feel like a kid in a store picking something up and I hear, "No, put that down". And then I turn and look at something else and I hear, "No, put that down". And I hear myself saying to my kids, "You look with your eyes, not with your hands". Like, why do I get to watch everyone else's life move ahead and I am stuck in this hellish purgatory of punishment, lessons, struggle, exhaustion, loneliness, and complicated messes to try to untangle.
I am so sick to death of untangling. Especially since 9/10 it was not my decision that got us here. I'm just the janitor apparently. That's what sucks in marriage. You're both hitched to the same wagon, so when one of you goes off and makes a bad turn you can either fight them on everything or you can try to let them learn their lessons. But at the same time, guess what? You are learning their lessons too. You're there with them when they get stuck in a rut. You suffer the same consequences. And anyone that knows me knows how hard it is for me to just let someone take control, especially when I know they don't use wisdom -- or don't have it -- but sometimes you have to give. And so now everything is hard and there isn't even one something that's easy.
I often just pray for one simple thing, one thing to go the easy way. One thing that doesn't require hard work and perseverance. Just something easy that you can fall into and not have to worry about, a quick win you can check off. A respite from the usual complicated mess.
I don't know why everything has to be so difficult. I'm not a difficult person. I'm a hard working person that isn't afraid of challenges, but I would at some point like to just be able to lay back and stop having to be on top of every single detail because when I stop being alert things just stop moving. Wheels that we need in constant motion, just halt. Piles build up. Messes take over. And the problems multiply. It's not my plans that go through, obviously. I can't see what God is doing, but apparently he really wants me uncomfortable. He wants me to really get this lesson. That some people are allowed to and I'm not. Some people can and I cannot. Some people are allowed and I am not. The rules that other people get to live by, I don't.
I know plenty of people work hard to achieve their goals, but it seems like they are blessed in their endeavors and I am not. It feels like every time I think I've got an answer to our problems it becomes so very clear after just a few steps into it that I am not able to dedicate myself to more than one thing at a time. Things fall apart. I don't have those back ups that most people have. I am either incapable, or once again God is trying to tell me this isn't for me.
Have you ever been in a season when you felt like you were just getting all No's? I feel like a kid in a store picking something up and I hear, "No, put that down". And then I turn and look at something else and I hear, "No, put that down". And I hear myself saying to my kids, "You look with your eyes, not with your hands". Like, why do I get to watch everyone else's life move ahead and I am stuck in this hellish purgatory of punishment, lessons, struggle, exhaustion, loneliness, and complicated messes to try to untangle.
I am so sick to death of untangling. Especially since 9/10 it was not my decision that got us here. I'm just the janitor apparently. That's what sucks in marriage. You're both hitched to the same wagon, so when one of you goes off and makes a bad turn you can either fight them on everything or you can try to let them learn their lessons. But at the same time, guess what? You are learning their lessons too. You're there with them when they get stuck in a rut. You suffer the same consequences. And anyone that knows me knows how hard it is for me to just let someone take control, especially when I know they don't use wisdom -- or don't have it -- but sometimes you have to give. And so now everything is hard and there isn't even one something that's easy.
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