Keeping the Faith
When you're deep in the struggle and you're trying to keep the faith... I keep just saying to God, show me how to make it happen. Tell me what to do. I need direction. I want direction. I'm not afraid to sacrifice or work hard. Because there isn't anything scarier than being out there in the wilderness with no direction and no sign of life. Any light, direction, word, is a positive sign that we aren't alone.
Maybe I haven't been asking for enough? I used to think foolishly that if I just asked for basic needs. If I didn't get greedy and I didn't ask God to give us wild success and financial gold at the end of the rainbow that that was something we wouldn't be denied. Just don't get greedy. That was my plan and it is not working. Actually, it is working. We have our basic needs covered, barely. So, how dumb is it to go around asking only to get by when you could be asking God to bless you exceedingly? I don't deserve it, I don't deserve what I have so logically deserving really shouldn't even enter the equation.
I thought I was being responsible. I thought I was being a good child to just want to be content with only this much > < and if I did that then I couldn't be denied. I thought I was being responsible. I thought I was doing the right thing. Because in my frame of mind I deserved to suffer. It sounds awful, but it's true.
I grew up in a home that unknowingly set the precedent through out my life I observed enough attitude and conversation to grow up believing that when you make mistakes you deserve to get your consequences. You should suffer because that's what comes of being human, suffering. So because I chose wrong, I made a mistake and knew there would be consequences my entire life because of it I just assumed them, like a diagnosis of cancer. And this point of view unconsciously stole a lot of my drive to succeed and joy in my everyday life. Especially thinking I was bringing kids into this tainted situation. I was bringing them into a house I couldn't make perfect for them.
But I am at the point in life where I simply reject that mentality. I reject anyone that makes me feel like suffering is deserved for your whole life, you must pay dearly, for choosing wrong. I have worked so hard to survive all the struggles we've faced since we got married -- and let's be honest, I have faced most of them completely alone. But I reject the notion that because my life isn't perfect and I cannot will it to be through either wishing, hard work, or manipulation, that I'm not allowed to feel. I'm not allowed to expect. I'm not allowed to hold others accountable for how they treat me and my family. I'm just supposed to take this suffering and lay down with it because it's the bed I've made.
Absolutely not.
God says He has plans for me. And each one of my children. He has plans to prosper us and not harm us. All we have to do is lean on that promise. I had that scripture hanging up directly across from the toilet for over a decade because I needed that promise to carry me. Every time I sat down I read it and I made myself believe it. Because when you're just trying to keep the faith you have to have something to stand in the gap. You need some glue. Some forced motivation. Like a mother waking you up and getting you out of bed in the morning.
Just don't lose sight of what God says because it's such a different attitude than most Christians will have toward you and your struggle. God says He will conquer the battle for you, if you can't get up and fight, it's OK. He also says he wants to prosper you, prosper does not mean just help you survive. God doesn't expect perfection of you like humans do. Let's not lose sight of who's opinion is the important one. I know I often do. It's so easy to.
Maybe I haven't been asking for enough? I used to think foolishly that if I just asked for basic needs. If I didn't get greedy and I didn't ask God to give us wild success and financial gold at the end of the rainbow that that was something we wouldn't be denied. Just don't get greedy. That was my plan and it is not working. Actually, it is working. We have our basic needs covered, barely. So, how dumb is it to go around asking only to get by when you could be asking God to bless you exceedingly? I don't deserve it, I don't deserve what I have so logically deserving really shouldn't even enter the equation.
I thought I was being responsible. I thought I was being a good child to just want to be content with only this much > < and if I did that then I couldn't be denied. I thought I was being responsible. I thought I was doing the right thing. Because in my frame of mind I deserved to suffer. It sounds awful, but it's true.
I grew up in a home that unknowingly set the precedent through out my life I observed enough attitude and conversation to grow up believing that when you make mistakes you deserve to get your consequences. You should suffer because that's what comes of being human, suffering. So because I chose wrong, I made a mistake and knew there would be consequences my entire life because of it I just assumed them, like a diagnosis of cancer. And this point of view unconsciously stole a lot of my drive to succeed and joy in my everyday life. Especially thinking I was bringing kids into this tainted situation. I was bringing them into a house I couldn't make perfect for them.
But I am at the point in life where I simply reject that mentality. I reject anyone that makes me feel like suffering is deserved for your whole life, you must pay dearly, for choosing wrong. I have worked so hard to survive all the struggles we've faced since we got married -- and let's be honest, I have faced most of them completely alone. But I reject the notion that because my life isn't perfect and I cannot will it to be through either wishing, hard work, or manipulation, that I'm not allowed to feel. I'm not allowed to expect. I'm not allowed to hold others accountable for how they treat me and my family. I'm just supposed to take this suffering and lay down with it because it's the bed I've made.
Absolutely not.
God says He has plans for me. And each one of my children. He has plans to prosper us and not harm us. All we have to do is lean on that promise. I had that scripture hanging up directly across from the toilet for over a decade because I needed that promise to carry me. Every time I sat down I read it and I made myself believe it. Because when you're just trying to keep the faith you have to have something to stand in the gap. You need some glue. Some forced motivation. Like a mother waking you up and getting you out of bed in the morning.
Just don't lose sight of what God says because it's such a different attitude than most Christians will have toward you and your struggle. God says He will conquer the battle for you, if you can't get up and fight, it's OK. He also says he wants to prosper you, prosper does not mean just help you survive. God doesn't expect perfection of you like humans do. Let's not lose sight of who's opinion is the important one. I know I often do. It's so easy to.
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