"Family"
I wish at some point someone had told me there's a difference between "Family" and Family. Let me explain what I mean.
I grew up being the last of 4 kids. I always felt left out, I'm over it, but at the time that I first got married it was hard enough that I was in a tumultuous marriage and then quickly we were also parents. But then on top of that it was clear how disjointed we were from my family due to his behavior - in private and in public. It makes it awkward for people, although honestly family should just be honest and tell a person you're being a major jerk. He was new family, but still. It's humiliating enough having a husband that you know no one likes or respects, but then comes the point where people stop including you in things because they don't want him there either. And that took a while.
Due to how my marriage started out I didn't want to invest in it. It seemed like a pretty poor investment, honestly. One of those time sucks or cash pits where you throw everything you have into it and it keeps demanding more and more. So, I resisted.
But here's the other downside, what was once my Family became my "Family" once I got married and had kids. I just didn't realize it. It was no longer as easy as just hanging out with the family, or whatever. And because it was always a struggle to begin with it felt doubly so after marriage.
Now let me explain the flip side of this mental confusion. Being in debt and thinking at any point it was a smart move to invest financially in "Family" when you should be more concerned with Family. We spent considerable amounts of money -- over $3000 twice -- to try to maintain a connection with my "Family". I thought at the time it was something that I had to do, I thought it was something that I should do because I hadn't realized yet that although they're important, they should not have been my priority. Getting out of debt should of been. We were struggling, but went out of our way figuratively and literally to spend thousands of dollars for family that didn't care one way or another about if our marriage would make it, if our child had enough clothing, if we could afford food, or down the road that the $6000+ we spent to be there for important events would cause us to be in debt for years later because of it. Which meant we paid three times, we paid in the cash used, in the interest we paid on the accounts that didn't get paid off, and in our time taken off of work (valuable and rare vacations). Not to mention at that point neither of us got paid time off, so we lost paychecks.
And I wish someone had told me and sat me down at any point in my life and explained to me that when you're an adult Family is what matters, not "Family". When you have a husband, no matter how much you dislike him, and a child, your future is what is important... not if you were present at a graduation. Because down the road I realize that humongous sacrifice we made was essentially completely unnoticed and kind of not appreciated in the least for what it was. Like the woman who was only able to give a couple pennies, but it was literally all she had. People just see it according to their perspective -- they all have plenty of money -- so it didn't seem like much to them. But it was everything to us.
I wish to God I had been able to separate myself then and say, I love you but I have to put myself here now. You really do have to separate yourself, unfortunately. You cannot sacrifice for "Family" because in the long run they don't have a vested interest in if you succeed or fail. They aren't depending on you to come through for them and create a secure future. They don't care if you're in debt or struggling. Heck, they don't even care to answer or acknowledge text messages. So, when you're neck deep in struggle they are probably going to be smart and not put their futures on the line for you. They're going to look out for themselves first. I just didn't think that way. I didn't realize that there's a reason God tells you to cleave to your husband. It's because he now has a vested interest in if you succeed or fail, the same as you do for him. It doesn't matter if you always like him, or want to cuddle up next to him, if you fail you both fail, if you succeed you both succeed.
And down the road in hindsight you are way less likely to feel screwed over because you put your priorities in their proper places. Priority #1 Family is the most important thing under God. Put your money there, put your time there, put your best efforts there. Don't stop your life hoping to still be apart of the gang. The gang is only there when times are fun, they aren't there when the fun runs out.
I grew up being the last of 4 kids. I always felt left out, I'm over it, but at the time that I first got married it was hard enough that I was in a tumultuous marriage and then quickly we were also parents. But then on top of that it was clear how disjointed we were from my family due to his behavior - in private and in public. It makes it awkward for people, although honestly family should just be honest and tell a person you're being a major jerk. He was new family, but still. It's humiliating enough having a husband that you know no one likes or respects, but then comes the point where people stop including you in things because they don't want him there either. And that took a while.
Due to how my marriage started out I didn't want to invest in it. It seemed like a pretty poor investment, honestly. One of those time sucks or cash pits where you throw everything you have into it and it keeps demanding more and more. So, I resisted.
But here's the other downside, what was once my Family became my "Family" once I got married and had kids. I just didn't realize it. It was no longer as easy as just hanging out with the family, or whatever. And because it was always a struggle to begin with it felt doubly so after marriage.
Now let me explain the flip side of this mental confusion. Being in debt and thinking at any point it was a smart move to invest financially in "Family" when you should be more concerned with Family. We spent considerable amounts of money -- over $3000 twice -- to try to maintain a connection with my "Family". I thought at the time it was something that I had to do, I thought it was something that I should do because I hadn't realized yet that although they're important, they should not have been my priority. Getting out of debt should of been. We were struggling, but went out of our way figuratively and literally to spend thousands of dollars for family that didn't care one way or another about if our marriage would make it, if our child had enough clothing, if we could afford food, or down the road that the $6000+ we spent to be there for important events would cause us to be in debt for years later because of it. Which meant we paid three times, we paid in the cash used, in the interest we paid on the accounts that didn't get paid off, and in our time taken off of work (valuable and rare vacations). Not to mention at that point neither of us got paid time off, so we lost paychecks.
And I wish someone had told me and sat me down at any point in my life and explained to me that when you're an adult Family is what matters, not "Family". When you have a husband, no matter how much you dislike him, and a child, your future is what is important... not if you were present at a graduation. Because down the road I realize that humongous sacrifice we made was essentially completely unnoticed and kind of not appreciated in the least for what it was. Like the woman who was only able to give a couple pennies, but it was literally all she had. People just see it according to their perspective -- they all have plenty of money -- so it didn't seem like much to them. But it was everything to us.
I wish to God I had been able to separate myself then and say, I love you but I have to put myself here now. You really do have to separate yourself, unfortunately. You cannot sacrifice for "Family" because in the long run they don't have a vested interest in if you succeed or fail. They aren't depending on you to come through for them and create a secure future. They don't care if you're in debt or struggling. Heck, they don't even care to answer or acknowledge text messages. So, when you're neck deep in struggle they are probably going to be smart and not put their futures on the line for you. They're going to look out for themselves first. I just didn't think that way. I didn't realize that there's a reason God tells you to cleave to your husband. It's because he now has a vested interest in if you succeed or fail, the same as you do for him. It doesn't matter if you always like him, or want to cuddle up next to him, if you fail you both fail, if you succeed you both succeed.
And down the road in hindsight you are way less likely to feel screwed over because you put your priorities in their proper places. Priority #1 Family is the most important thing under God. Put your money there, put your time there, put your best efforts there. Don't stop your life hoping to still be apart of the gang. The gang is only there when times are fun, they aren't there when the fun runs out.
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