21 Weeks Pregnant - Exhausted Motherhood

FYI: I'm not really writing to an audience, even though this is a public blog, it's more like a place I come to get things off my chest. So, contrary to the name this blog really is all about my life, ha! 

The struggle is real right now being 21 weeks pregnant with baby #5 (actually #6, but 1 was a loss, I only have 4 living children). My body is rejecting being pregnant big time. From the beginning of it I have felt like I am dying, literally. Not being melodramatic, just completely washed out. I spent the first 4 months probably mostly bedridden because I didn't even have the energy to walk around the house, much less deal with the anxiety of my entire house being destroyed and knowing there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. I had no help. It's just me and my 4 kids -- and I don't know about your kids, but they are not independent cleaners. It takes a lot of energy for me to round them up and motivate them into accomplishing something like cleaning a room, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, etc. I just didn't have it to give. And it didn't help constantly being made to feel bad by being told, "you're probably tired because you don't get up and do anything" or "what are you going to make for dinner?" When you're literally exhausted just getting up to use the bathroom and then having to be there for 4 kids throughout the day, including making sure they're eating, and potty training a 2 year old. 

In the beginning of my second trimester I started to get some energy back and felt like an actual person for the summer time, which was amazing. Because then we got to spend a lot of time together as a family at the pool and I was able to invest back into my kids time and attention that I had neglected to give them when I was dying in bed for months. 

But now, I'm at 21 weeks and I'm right about where I was in the beginning energy-wise. I wake up and feel exhausted, like I didn't get any sleep. I'm also dealing with allergies so my eyes are killing me, my nose is running, and I'm sneezing like crazy. Also baby girl is laying super low (as is common for my girls) so standing for any longer periods is really actually painful for me. I'm keeping up with laundry, vacuuming, and most days the kitchen is at least clean. We're doing minimum for school work, but at least there's that. And I'm not able to be a hawk watching my destructive children 24/7 which can cause a huge issue when they do things like -- dumping all my expensive cleaners into one container and wasting them all. But honestly, that child needs like 24 hour surveillance and I simply can't do that with 4 kids. If you can you are a super human. 

But most people don't realize for someone like me, this kind of a season is literally like the sinking of the Titanic for me to go through. I am a motivated mover, a project doer, an involved mother, I do not like being stuck and so exhausted I find it hard to put together two thoughts and can't think of words I want to use to finish sentences. I'm so limited in what I can do, what I feel like doing, and what I can even think about without becoming overwhelmed that I am pretty much daily miserable. I'm bored out of my mind and just really being bored makes me depressed. 

So it's compounded misery. And I try to not let it affect my whole family, but let's be honest -- I am basically the one that keeps the entire household moving so when I am in a roadblock the whole house kind of stalls. Because there's no one else to keep it going in my absence or inability. 

And then of course I get upset because I really should have a partner, shouldn't I? I can't even have conversations with my husband about what to do about my daughter's attitude and the fact that she's cutting up all her barbie tops to be crop tops, ruining them first off and secondly making their clothing completely unacceptable by our clothing standards. So, basic parenting and I also have to deal with it completely on my own. This is why I tell people I'm basically a single parent. Because he will have zero input. His answer is "I don't know" and that's it. And I don't want to be mean, but it's really overwhelming for me to have this person that is supposed to be that parent role, but he has literally nothing to do with their actual parenting. He thinks making rules like bedtime is what parenting is all about. He doesn't get that it takes a personal one on one relationship with each child trying to help them navigate becoming adults. And explaining the reasons behind things like modesty and why we don't allow her to show her body and don't approve of those types of styles. But that will all lie on me  -- and what worries me is my oldest is 11 and a boy, but that conversation will probably completely lie on me as well. 

So, while you may think household work is my biggest thought -- it really isn't. My kids are growing older during this period that I'm unable to be there for them in the ways I want to be. Which is one huge reason I hate being pregnant. Because it takes me away from the ones I already have and already am responsible for.