Even Jesus Was A Mess
I'm a mess. Aren't we all sort of? I mean, I know there are some unicorns out there that have it all together, but generally being a mess is a human condition. Or am I just saying that to feel better about it?
I'm a mess. My life at any given moment has certain parts on fire. I spend a good portion of my sleep hours not sleeping but worrying about fires I can't put out. I research, I read, I watch YouTube videos hoping for advice and knowledge - possible wisdom? - for ways I can be better at things I really am just flying by the seat of my pants on.
And I'm alone in it. It's not scary as much as it is frustrating because while I have the responsibility and carry the burden of knowing how deep the hole goes as well as trying to dig us out, I don't get to make the decisions because I don't have that power. If I did our house would be sold and we'd be living in an RV full time, traveling part time, paying off debt, and being free from being shackled down to a piece of property that continually proves it's a burden more than a blessing. Because something is ALWAYS breaking. Because being financially free is probably the highest goal I have for my life, always has been. I hate owing anyone money. I hate anyone being able to tell me where I should and shouldn't spend my money. I hate feeling like I have something hanging over my head. And I'd rather live in an RV and have to adjust my lifestyle to suit cramped conditions, than live a lifestyle I most obviously cannot afford. And it isn't because we were irresponsible, it's because life sucks and threw a lot of crap at us including the kitchen sink. We've dealt with serious medical debt, multiple car accidents (not at fault, in case you were wondering), vehicles that were lemons, children being born and a miscarriage, damage to property from acts of God, multiple unemployment periods (all separate incidents, 3 in total in 12 years), and a string of low paying jobs because that's what's available in this town.
So, I'm a mess. But now I wonder to myself why I should be ashamed of that? It's not because I don't work hard. It isn't because I'm not smart. It definitely isn't because I don't do my best, I try very hard to make good decisions. But sometimes, or very often, there are no good decisions to make. Only the best ones available at the time. And even those come with their own set of consequences.
But it isn't all about finances, that's just the biggest and most identifying mess in my life right now. Because there hasn't been a road to a solution that I've found yet, but I will keep looking. And in the meantime God has to work on my husband's heart because I can't convince him that financial freedom is worth inconvenience. Inconvenience can encourage growth in more than one way. Growth that some people need.
I'm a mess. Because I have no good friends, but let's be honest for a moment and look at the fact that I probably never had any good friends. Most of my life's friendships were very one sided, they always wanted me to be doing something for them but were never around when it came to being there for me. There was no safety in those relationships because I couldn't call any single person up and tell them I was having a terrible day or my life was blowing up and hear any encouragement. I would probably get a "well, this is the awful thing that's happening to me right now" or "I've had way worse happen" or "You're binding your blessings in heaven by being so negative". The last one is my particular favorite, which is why that person isn't someone I call when I need encouragement anymore. Because there isn't any to be had. There aren't any solutions and I'm not even wanting someone to fix my problems, but maybe commiserate with me and tell me some way, some how, God is going to give me answers and pray for me. Or just be there for me. Or be someone I can hang out with as I unravel. I'm a mess because I have basically been doing life alone for my entire adulthood. Do you know what that feels like?
It feels like a mess. A never ending one. But still not one I should feel ashamed of. I've been a great friend to all the people I've invested into in my life and I'm not just saying that to toot my own horn. I was a great friend. I always had a habit of putting other people's interests before my own, answer my phone in the middle of the night to calm someone down, fly across the country to show my support, be the one who foots all the bills and pay for gas because I was the only one with a job or car, pray for people & bring them to church, give them the best advice I knew, but most of all I was always 100% honest which is a lot more than I can say for most people.
Jesus was the greatest human that ever lived and He was a mess. Think about it. His life was a mess. But he didn't come to bring order, he came to give you an example that life is chaos now that sin has been introduced. There is not always a clear road to take anymore in life because sin broke it. But we can love each other anyway. We can encourage each other anyway. I know without a doubt that everyone wants to succeed in life. No one is purposefully trying to fail, unless they've just given up. It's easy to feel discouraged and lose hope. And even good decisions can come with unforeseen consequences -- goodness shouldn't come with a consequence, but it does sometimes. Sometimes you are amazing to people and they will spit on you. Sometimes you will give the shirt off your back to help a stranger and then you're shirtless when a freak snow storm happens.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but it could happen... You make plans, you make plans for those plans (a, b, c). And then the unthinkable happens because you cannot plan for everything. Sometimes you just need to recognize you're a mess, but there is nothing embarrassing about it.
I'm a mess. My life at any given moment has certain parts on fire. I spend a good portion of my sleep hours not sleeping but worrying about fires I can't put out. I research, I read, I watch YouTube videos hoping for advice and knowledge - possible wisdom? - for ways I can be better at things I really am just flying by the seat of my pants on.
And I'm alone in it. It's not scary as much as it is frustrating because while I have the responsibility and carry the burden of knowing how deep the hole goes as well as trying to dig us out, I don't get to make the decisions because I don't have that power. If I did our house would be sold and we'd be living in an RV full time, traveling part time, paying off debt, and being free from being shackled down to a piece of property that continually proves it's a burden more than a blessing. Because something is ALWAYS breaking. Because being financially free is probably the highest goal I have for my life, always has been. I hate owing anyone money. I hate anyone being able to tell me where I should and shouldn't spend my money. I hate feeling like I have something hanging over my head. And I'd rather live in an RV and have to adjust my lifestyle to suit cramped conditions, than live a lifestyle I most obviously cannot afford. And it isn't because we were irresponsible, it's because life sucks and threw a lot of crap at us including the kitchen sink. We've dealt with serious medical debt, multiple car accidents (not at fault, in case you were wondering), vehicles that were lemons, children being born and a miscarriage, damage to property from acts of God, multiple unemployment periods (all separate incidents, 3 in total in 12 years), and a string of low paying jobs because that's what's available in this town.
So, I'm a mess. But now I wonder to myself why I should be ashamed of that? It's not because I don't work hard. It isn't because I'm not smart. It definitely isn't because I don't do my best, I try very hard to make good decisions. But sometimes, or very often, there are no good decisions to make. Only the best ones available at the time. And even those come with their own set of consequences.
But it isn't all about finances, that's just the biggest and most identifying mess in my life right now. Because there hasn't been a road to a solution that I've found yet, but I will keep looking. And in the meantime God has to work on my husband's heart because I can't convince him that financial freedom is worth inconvenience. Inconvenience can encourage growth in more than one way. Growth that some people need.
I'm a mess. Because I have no good friends, but let's be honest for a moment and look at the fact that I probably never had any good friends. Most of my life's friendships were very one sided, they always wanted me to be doing something for them but were never around when it came to being there for me. There was no safety in those relationships because I couldn't call any single person up and tell them I was having a terrible day or my life was blowing up and hear any encouragement. I would probably get a "well, this is the awful thing that's happening to me right now" or "I've had way worse happen" or "You're binding your blessings in heaven by being so negative". The last one is my particular favorite, which is why that person isn't someone I call when I need encouragement anymore. Because there isn't any to be had. There aren't any solutions and I'm not even wanting someone to fix my problems, but maybe commiserate with me and tell me some way, some how, God is going to give me answers and pray for me. Or just be there for me. Or be someone I can hang out with as I unravel. I'm a mess because I have basically been doing life alone for my entire adulthood. Do you know what that feels like?
It feels like a mess. A never ending one. But still not one I should feel ashamed of. I've been a great friend to all the people I've invested into in my life and I'm not just saying that to toot my own horn. I was a great friend. I always had a habit of putting other people's interests before my own, answer my phone in the middle of the night to calm someone down, fly across the country to show my support, be the one who foots all the bills and pay for gas because I was the only one with a job or car, pray for people & bring them to church, give them the best advice I knew, but most of all I was always 100% honest which is a lot more than I can say for most people.
Jesus was the greatest human that ever lived and He was a mess. Think about it. His life was a mess. But he didn't come to bring order, he came to give you an example that life is chaos now that sin has been introduced. There is not always a clear road to take anymore in life because sin broke it. But we can love each other anyway. We can encourage each other anyway. I know without a doubt that everyone wants to succeed in life. No one is purposefully trying to fail, unless they've just given up. It's easy to feel discouraged and lose hope. And even good decisions can come with unforeseen consequences -- goodness shouldn't come with a consequence, but it does sometimes. Sometimes you are amazing to people and they will spit on you. Sometimes you will give the shirt off your back to help a stranger and then you're shirtless when a freak snow storm happens.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but it could happen... You make plans, you make plans for those plans (a, b, c). And then the unthinkable happens because you cannot plan for everything. Sometimes you just need to recognize you're a mess, but there is nothing embarrassing about it.
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