The glory or the gory
I don't have a lot of friends, (understatement of the year), and it's true there are probably at least 5 good reasons why I don't, but the best reason is my personality type being INTJ. I had no idea how rare it is for a woman to have that personality, 1% of the population. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that God made me this way. And on purpose, too.
I used to think I was just defective. I didn't understand why I couldn't connect. And to be perfectly honest I still find myself reverting back to thinking I wish I could just be different. I wish I could connect and find people that feel like home.
And the handful, probably less than a handful, that felt like home I didn't get to keep. Life let them scatter, or they chose a path that led away from our friendship.
And what hurts the worst when you find that soul mate (who isn't always necessarily your spouse) and lose them, is that you can't ever wrap your head around why.
My personality is complicated, my brain wants to hide and think deep thoughts about everything. But my memory isn't the greatest. I have a tendency to remember the glory, or the gory. Either one of those. Either it was beautiful and the memory gleams around the edges with silver lining, or it brings back the desire to punch someone.
But I block out the reason why I chose to walk away sometimes. I just get wrapped up in remembering who I was when I was friends with this person, or in love with this person and all of sudden I am singing that song Everything is awesome! Until you get back into the swing of the friendship and it dawns on you that the reason why things didn't work out wasn't just getting lost in life, it was because I'm who I am and who they chose to grow up to be no longer met a need in my life.
I need loyalty, I need someone to care about me enough to actually make the first step to contact me for a change. Not just answer when it's convenient and ignore me when that's convenient, too. I never want to feel like an accessory, I don't think anyone does. Whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship.
But if you can't be a good friend -- you won't ever be more than that.
Maybe I'd just rather remember the glory because remembering some people with gory details really just kills something that I really need to keep intact.
I used to think I was just defective. I didn't understand why I couldn't connect. And to be perfectly honest I still find myself reverting back to thinking I wish I could just be different. I wish I could connect and find people that feel like home.
And the handful, probably less than a handful, that felt like home I didn't get to keep. Life let them scatter, or they chose a path that led away from our friendship.
And what hurts the worst when you find that soul mate (who isn't always necessarily your spouse) and lose them, is that you can't ever wrap your head around why.
My personality is complicated, my brain wants to hide and think deep thoughts about everything. But my memory isn't the greatest. I have a tendency to remember the glory, or the gory. Either one of those. Either it was beautiful and the memory gleams around the edges with silver lining, or it brings back the desire to punch someone.
But I block out the reason why I chose to walk away sometimes. I just get wrapped up in remembering who I was when I was friends with this person, or in love with this person and all of sudden I am singing that song Everything is awesome! Until you get back into the swing of the friendship and it dawns on you that the reason why things didn't work out wasn't just getting lost in life, it was because I'm who I am and who they chose to grow up to be no longer met a need in my life.
I need loyalty, I need someone to care about me enough to actually make the first step to contact me for a change. Not just answer when it's convenient and ignore me when that's convenient, too. I never want to feel like an accessory, I don't think anyone does. Whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship.
But if you can't be a good friend -- you won't ever be more than that.
Maybe I'd just rather remember the glory because remembering some people with gory details really just kills something that I really need to keep intact.
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