Give Me Yourself
There's a line that just got stuck in my head -- I'm holding out for a hero til the end of the night...
I'm up, it's late, talking to myself, nothing new. Except this time I truly am going to avoid groveling or semi-begging or company of people who seem to really not need my company at all. Maybe once they cherished it, when I wasn't married and didn't have children. But now I'm not as fun because options aren't open. I'm not the same as I was when I was 18, 19, 20.
News flash, that's a good thing.
As cool as I thought I was at 18,19,20, I was extremely naive and innocent. And maybe that was a generally good thing to be at that age, but it hurt like hell when I learned my lessons so I'd rather not be stupid enough to go back in time and learn them again.
A few of the lessons I learned were
Trust your instincts if you don't trust someone, there's probably good cause for it. Because I'm seriously like psychic when it comes to reading people, even at a great distance.
People are selfish and truly think about themselves a good majority of their lives and mostly don't even input another's life and feelings into the equation when they make choices.
Don't wait around for people you know they won't show up because you've waited around before and that was the reason you finally walked away. There really is so long you can hold on waiting for someone to step up and say I'm here, I want this. And no one wants to be 100% of the relationship.
Rare are the positive surprises and the ones that make you sad are in no short supply.
I wish I could write poetry, but honestly I'm not feeling very poetic, just disappointed. Or I'm thinking I'm going to be disappointed and that makes me feel sad and like I should be writing poetry.
I'm the type of person that at 18 would have followed the right person anywhere. I would have fought beside them and I did. I would have been 100% loyal to the end, with exception to saying whatever I felt was the truth -- which some might perceive as betrayal when the truth hurts.
Even at 20 when I went through a particularly hard break up and just didn't want to wake up in the morning anymore and adult through it, not even because I missed him so much as the damage he did to me making me feel like what I was and what I believed in wasn't enough he had to coerce me into something that made me hate myself.
Even after friendships that were all take and no give, I stayed around and fought for it, cried for them while I watched my friends light their lives on fire with mistake after mistake. I cared more about their future than they did.
And now and I'm pretty positive most people think I'm cold and distant. Why? Because of the aforementioned relationships. People before now, at 32 years old, opened my eyes and kind of slapped me so hard I became a bit numb to it all. I have grown to expect being disappointed, being abandoned, not being enough as I am.
Just here. Just now. Nothing more. There is no patience. There is no earning trust. You want things from me, but you just aren't willing to be someone who deserves them. So, why is that fair to ask of me to give of myself when you are so stingy?
As a mother now of three little ones it's been a very long time since I have felt like a teenager, which is obviously a huge selling point to having children lol. But I'm an adult who expects adult relationships and expects those adults to carry equally the care of the other.
Especially when so much of the past I have cared asking nothing in return. I suppose I believe now it's your turn to give to me. Give me yourself asking nothing in return.
I'm up, it's late, talking to myself, nothing new. Except this time I truly am going to avoid groveling or semi-begging or company of people who seem to really not need my company at all. Maybe once they cherished it, when I wasn't married and didn't have children. But now I'm not as fun because options aren't open. I'm not the same as I was when I was 18, 19, 20.
News flash, that's a good thing.
As cool as I thought I was at 18,19,20, I was extremely naive and innocent. And maybe that was a generally good thing to be at that age, but it hurt like hell when I learned my lessons so I'd rather not be stupid enough to go back in time and learn them again.
A few of the lessons I learned were
Trust your instincts if you don't trust someone, there's probably good cause for it. Because I'm seriously like psychic when it comes to reading people, even at a great distance.
People are selfish and truly think about themselves a good majority of their lives and mostly don't even input another's life and feelings into the equation when they make choices.
Don't wait around for people you know they won't show up because you've waited around before and that was the reason you finally walked away. There really is so long you can hold on waiting for someone to step up and say I'm here, I want this. And no one wants to be 100% of the relationship.
Rare are the positive surprises and the ones that make you sad are in no short supply.
I wish I could write poetry, but honestly I'm not feeling very poetic, just disappointed. Or I'm thinking I'm going to be disappointed and that makes me feel sad and like I should be writing poetry.
I'm the type of person that at 18 would have followed the right person anywhere. I would have fought beside them and I did. I would have been 100% loyal to the end, with exception to saying whatever I felt was the truth -- which some might perceive as betrayal when the truth hurts.
Even at 20 when I went through a particularly hard break up and just didn't want to wake up in the morning anymore and adult through it, not even because I missed him so much as the damage he did to me making me feel like what I was and what I believed in wasn't enough he had to coerce me into something that made me hate myself.
Even after friendships that were all take and no give, I stayed around and fought for it, cried for them while I watched my friends light their lives on fire with mistake after mistake. I cared more about their future than they did.
And now and I'm pretty positive most people think I'm cold and distant. Why? Because of the aforementioned relationships. People before now, at 32 years old, opened my eyes and kind of slapped me so hard I became a bit numb to it all. I have grown to expect being disappointed, being abandoned, not being enough as I am.
Just here. Just now. Nothing more. There is no patience. There is no earning trust. You want things from me, but you just aren't willing to be someone who deserves them. So, why is that fair to ask of me to give of myself when you are so stingy?
As a mother now of three little ones it's been a very long time since I have felt like a teenager, which is obviously a huge selling point to having children lol. But I'm an adult who expects adult relationships and expects those adults to carry equally the care of the other.
Especially when so much of the past I have cared asking nothing in return. I suppose I believe now it's your turn to give to me. Give me yourself asking nothing in return.
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