Be The Good
Somethings come really easy to some couples. Some spend the first several years of their relationship overcoming what feels like immovable obstacles; be it family traditions, upbringing differences, religion, in laws, and sometimes other huge things like premarital mistakes that put you a mile behind. Then comes the opportunity to rise above and meet the road running.
But that option isn't always the one picked; depends on the character of the person choosing.
What if one portion of the team chooses to rise above and the other chooses the path of most resistance?
I've almost been married to my husband for 9 years coming up. If I were to list some of the circumstances we've lived through and survived it might look something like this: losing 90% of our support system, a baby out of wedlock (which then started a domino effect in our strongly religious families who hold very high standards for us to remain socially appearing "acceptable"), being financially poor and deep in debt with no medical insurance, job losses (multiple in succession), a miscarriage and several serious car accidents.
We've seen our share of anxiety, stress, heartache, frustration and tears. No one expected us to survive before all of these demons reared their ugly heads, much less going through them being up to our neck in trouble.
Somethings come really easy to some couples. And then there are couples who are two highly emotional, highly passionate, very screwed up (from past relationships) individuals who brought all of their baggage with them. And naturally we're the latter.
And my in laws passed judgement on me for saddling my husband with a hard life.
And my family passed judgement on my husband because he was extremely behaviorally unattractive and didn't have the forethought to hide his ugliness behind closed doors.
So, we also got to deal with that.
And guess what, it isn't like a game where you pass the obstacle and can move on. No, because we're still being judged for decisions we made almost 9 years ago. We won't be forgiven for them because although many don't actually take the time to get to know us, they misrepresent it as our character.
And in all this I look at other couples who clicked immediately. Who think alike. Who made the right decision in the right order. Who knew how to communicate and probably had some good examples for how successful relationships work. Who had a solid church foundation with that support system to usher them into marriage life and family. Who knew how to let go of expectations (maybe they didn't know they had) and adhere to each other. And I wish that we had had any of that. That we had met each other earlier and maybe were less jaded by the world, by people, by hurts. And we'd been more open to being ourselves. Even 9 years in I find I hide in my head and I wonder if he does the same. We still haven't figured out exactly how to bounce off of each other with our quirks and just goof around. There's an element of discomfort. Not awkward, but I think we've hurt each other enough to where we're both guarded.
My dream feels so tiny, but it's probably the hardest dream to accomplish for us. After 9 years I just work towards the day when I can finally say we're a team. We are working towards the same thing at the same time. We aren't working against each other, even unknowingly. We stop pushing against each other like rams and start pulling each other in.
It's a work in progress, but after 9 years I can say we're aren't that easy couple, we'll never be. I'm not an easy person naturally and neither is he. I'm complicated and dark and brooding. I'm an artist so I feel everything in two temperatures, hot or cold.
The trick is to find your spouses strengths and figure out how you can highlight them and at the same time try to downplay their faults. Every couple I've seen who appear to be extremely content and happy in their marriage seem to do this, publicly, openly to each other verbally.
The areas that you struggle with personally, individually, will be your biggest faltering point in your marriage.
And the things I struggle with happen to be the same things my husband struggles with.
No bueno.
It's taken be 9 years to figure this out. I married myself. The problem is I don't like myself. So, after 9 years I've discovered to heal your marriage you first have to work on yourself.
Be the person you want. Or like the saying goes BElieve THEre is GOOD in the world. Emphasizing Be the Good.
But that option isn't always the one picked; depends on the character of the person choosing.
What if one portion of the team chooses to rise above and the other chooses the path of most resistance?
I've almost been married to my husband for 9 years coming up. If I were to list some of the circumstances we've lived through and survived it might look something like this: losing 90% of our support system, a baby out of wedlock (which then started a domino effect in our strongly religious families who hold very high standards for us to remain socially appearing "acceptable"), being financially poor and deep in debt with no medical insurance, job losses (multiple in succession), a miscarriage and several serious car accidents.
We've seen our share of anxiety, stress, heartache, frustration and tears. No one expected us to survive before all of these demons reared their ugly heads, much less going through them being up to our neck in trouble.
Somethings come really easy to some couples. And then there are couples who are two highly emotional, highly passionate, very screwed up (from past relationships) individuals who brought all of their baggage with them. And naturally we're the latter.
And my in laws passed judgement on me for saddling my husband with a hard life.
And my family passed judgement on my husband because he was extremely behaviorally unattractive and didn't have the forethought to hide his ugliness behind closed doors.
So, we also got to deal with that.
And guess what, it isn't like a game where you pass the obstacle and can move on. No, because we're still being judged for decisions we made almost 9 years ago. We won't be forgiven for them because although many don't actually take the time to get to know us, they misrepresent it as our character.
And in all this I look at other couples who clicked immediately. Who think alike. Who made the right decision in the right order. Who knew how to communicate and probably had some good examples for how successful relationships work. Who had a solid church foundation with that support system to usher them into marriage life and family. Who knew how to let go of expectations (maybe they didn't know they had) and adhere to each other. And I wish that we had had any of that. That we had met each other earlier and maybe were less jaded by the world, by people, by hurts. And we'd been more open to being ourselves. Even 9 years in I find I hide in my head and I wonder if he does the same. We still haven't figured out exactly how to bounce off of each other with our quirks and just goof around. There's an element of discomfort. Not awkward, but I think we've hurt each other enough to where we're both guarded.
My dream feels so tiny, but it's probably the hardest dream to accomplish for us. After 9 years I just work towards the day when I can finally say we're a team. We are working towards the same thing at the same time. We aren't working against each other, even unknowingly. We stop pushing against each other like rams and start pulling each other in.
It's a work in progress, but after 9 years I can say we're aren't that easy couple, we'll never be. I'm not an easy person naturally and neither is he. I'm complicated and dark and brooding. I'm an artist so I feel everything in two temperatures, hot or cold.
The trick is to find your spouses strengths and figure out how you can highlight them and at the same time try to downplay their faults. Every couple I've seen who appear to be extremely content and happy in their marriage seem to do this, publicly, openly to each other verbally.
The areas that you struggle with personally, individually, will be your biggest faltering point in your marriage.
And the things I struggle with happen to be the same things my husband struggles with.
No bueno.
It's taken be 9 years to figure this out. I married myself. The problem is I don't like myself. So, after 9 years I've discovered to heal your marriage you first have to work on yourself.
Be the person you want. Or like the saying goes BElieve THEre is GOOD in the world. Emphasizing Be the Good.
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