Tidy
I'm uncomfortable in any relationship, but especially where someone sees parts of me that are unsightly. In fact, when I get to those parts in relationships, normally, I retreat. I cut ties. I evacuate the premises.
Obviously no one wants people to see their "ugly", but this is to an extreme level. I like to live in that facade in every avenue of my life.
I always get the urge to run and, simply put, when I reveal too much I feel the need to start over. Kind of like the Mission Impossible spy messages, this message will self destruct. Except, it's relationships. It's the unrelenting urge and desire and almost need to throw it away and start fresh, because this one is soiled and obviously will never be good again.
I fight it, but I normally do retreat as far back as I can, whether it be silence, or pretending that didn't happen... or the last resort, getting angry. Angry that I'm required to be perfect. Angry that I'm not allowed to be human and fallible. Angry that I can't be perfect. And angry that even after 31 years of practice when I close my eyes, people can still see me, because the old adage if I can't see you, you can't see me isn't actually true.
I, I, I... Yes.
It's extremely discouraging to reach 31 and realize that I wasn't this strong, impenetrable, warrior, but I simply put that armor on to show the world that they could do their worst and words would never hurt me. And to look in the mirror and realize that I was probably one of the most insecure people you would have ever met, I just didn't know it.
I was unprepared for relationships. I was unprepared for the hard questions you have to ask to be in relationships, good ones at least. I was unprepared for the reality that assuming the best of everyone can actually hurt you far more than accepting what they really are.
The problem with innocence, is you assume that is where everyone is. You assume; it never occurs to you that they're looking from an entirely different perspective of the world and what is 'acceptable' behavior to them is deplorable to you.
And then you get this rude awakening every. single. time. a relationship blows up in front of your face. Or your serene little bubble pops and your eyes start burning from all it's bubblicious-ness.
I like to live in my bubble. In fact, reality gives me a headache.
You have to ask, even though you don't want to know. Because a decade of life will pass you by and you will kick yourself for allowing assumptions to rule your relationships. You can't just throw people away. You can't lock them up in a box and forget they're there.
Being human is anything but tidy.
Obviously no one wants people to see their "ugly", but this is to an extreme level. I like to live in that facade in every avenue of my life.
I always get the urge to run and, simply put, when I reveal too much I feel the need to start over. Kind of like the Mission Impossible spy messages, this message will self destruct. Except, it's relationships. It's the unrelenting urge and desire and almost need to throw it away and start fresh, because this one is soiled and obviously will never be good again.
I fight it, but I normally do retreat as far back as I can, whether it be silence, or pretending that didn't happen... or the last resort, getting angry. Angry that I'm required to be perfect. Angry that I'm not allowed to be human and fallible. Angry that I can't be perfect. And angry that even after 31 years of practice when I close my eyes, people can still see me, because the old adage if I can't see you, you can't see me isn't actually true.
I, I, I... Yes.
It's extremely discouraging to reach 31 and realize that I wasn't this strong, impenetrable, warrior, but I simply put that armor on to show the world that they could do their worst and words would never hurt me. And to look in the mirror and realize that I was probably one of the most insecure people you would have ever met, I just didn't know it.
I was unprepared for relationships. I was unprepared for the hard questions you have to ask to be in relationships, good ones at least. I was unprepared for the reality that assuming the best of everyone can actually hurt you far more than accepting what they really are.
The problem with innocence, is you assume that is where everyone is. You assume; it never occurs to you that they're looking from an entirely different perspective of the world and what is 'acceptable' behavior to them is deplorable to you.
And then you get this rude awakening every. single. time. a relationship blows up in front of your face. Or your serene little bubble pops and your eyes start burning from all it's bubblicious-ness.
I like to live in my bubble. In fact, reality gives me a headache.
You have to ask, even though you don't want to know. Because a decade of life will pass you by and you will kick yourself for allowing assumptions to rule your relationships. You can't just throw people away. You can't lock them up in a box and forget they're there.
Being human is anything but tidy.
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