Alone
I'm having an extremely difficult time finding words to say tonight, or finding the right words that I would allow myself to say. I'm so frustrated with this feeling of just flapping in the wind. I can't seem to get the kind of support I need from anyone in my life and it's making me want to be even less social than I normally am; which is saying a lot.
Don't tell me I don't ask for help, I know for some that is difficult, that's not my problem. I do ask for help, but the help I get often seems like it's A. Begrudgingly given B. Poorly executed, like they don't care to actually help me in a way that would truly be help and not cause me extra work when they leave, or, my favorite, C. The help that is condescending in a way to make you feel like you should be doing more, doing better, doing less, etc; The "critical" helper.
If I could do everything on my own, believe me I would. I wouldn't ask for anyone's help, and in years passed that was truly my policy. Sink or swim, it was all on me. I didn't want people in my business, (I still don't), I didn't want people thinking they had a right to give me advice on how to live my life so I didn't include them in any of the decision making. I liked it that way.
Unfortunately because I'm 8 months pregnant I do not have that luxury at the moment. I need help and that really pisses me off to no end. Because, like I said, that support system that is meant to bring peace and some kind of feeling a sense of stability just isn't there.
I can't talk to anyone. I have no great friends who feel the urge to call me and ask me about my life or my problems or to even see if I'm still living. I have no one that is just there for me. No one gets me. It really feels like no matter how much of an open book I am in life no one is paying attention.
I'm not the kind of friend who goes out looking to help someone out - but if I see a need I try to fill it. If a friend calls, I'm there to answer and help in any way I know how. If someone showed up at my door I would feed and clothe them.
It isn't just friendships, I wish it was. I can't even have a decent conversation with my husband and feel like he gives a damn or will remember anything I say 2 minutes later when asked about it. Our whole marriage has been one example after the other of the fact that he doesn't pay attention to me. He doesn't understand me. He doesn't get me at all. And after 7 years I either have to come to the conclusion that it's because he doesn't care or he's really just that stupid. I'm a pretty simple person.
I need a gentleman. Someone who sees me working like a dog and says to himself, "Hmm, she looks like she could use some help. I'll get up from watching TV or playing video games now and help her scrub the floor, do the laundry, take out the trash, play with the kids so they leave her alone for 5 minutes". But no. I don't get that. I don't get that peace. I wait and wait and wait...I have waited 7 years for initiative to come forth -- like some kind of fruit from that damn fruit tree that I've coddled and fertilized and watered for years waiting for that ONE sign of a harvest. And then there is a bud and I see it and I'm leery of becoming too optimistic because normally that bud just rots and falls off the tree within a matter of days because it becomes too inconvenient to continue on in that manner. It's easiest to be self involved. It's easiest and more fun to text your buddies all hours of the day/night, talk to them on the phone for hours, play video games online with them whenever you get a moment to... and then have the nerve to wonder why your wife is angry.
I've been scorned and hell hath no fury like a woman who has been scorned. I feel like I'm imprisoned to constantly be talking, begging, finding a different way to word my issue so maybe this time he'll understand my side of it and there will be some kind of lightbulb moment... but I don't think it's that he doesn't get it. I think it's because he doesn't care.
Because loving a woman is such a simple -- easy -- kindergarten thing to do and yet he can't master it. He can't master thinking of somebody ELSE before his own comfort, convenience, play time, etc.
No support. Absolutely without a doubt I am reeling in the wind like a flag -- but it feels like a flag of surrender, not of resolve.
In fact, he's gone for 5 days -- has the nerve to text me he loves me -- talks to me maybe 5 minutes out of the entire time he's gone and even that conversation was a joke filled with "uh huh"s. I can't even tell him about a frustrating day without him being in a rush to get off the phone with me.
I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed and lied to. I feel like he pursued me only to capture me and now I truly have become a captive -- a prisoner in a relationship with someone who obviously does not want to know me, does not care about my feelings or the fact that I am a woman who occasionally wants to feel needed, wanted, loved, adored, and like I'm attractive. He doesn't care that I'm lonely, that I do everything alone -- I am truly alone; most days I feel like a single parent.
He's not my comforter. He's not my friend. He's not my ally. He is not my champion. He is not my confidante. He is not support. He's not my love. I could fill a page of things he isn't and I'm very unsure of how far I could get on a page of things "he is".
I'm so tired and weary and just...feeling alone. Alone. Alone.
I know we're never truly alone, but surely God understands in this great vast universe -- with no one to hold you and feel like they're really holding you life just starts to get very heavy and burdensome.
Don't tell me I don't ask for help, I know for some that is difficult, that's not my problem. I do ask for help, but the help I get often seems like it's A. Begrudgingly given B. Poorly executed, like they don't care to actually help me in a way that would truly be help and not cause me extra work when they leave, or, my favorite, C. The help that is condescending in a way to make you feel like you should be doing more, doing better, doing less, etc; The "critical" helper.
If I could do everything on my own, believe me I would. I wouldn't ask for anyone's help, and in years passed that was truly my policy. Sink or swim, it was all on me. I didn't want people in my business, (I still don't), I didn't want people thinking they had a right to give me advice on how to live my life so I didn't include them in any of the decision making. I liked it that way.
Unfortunately because I'm 8 months pregnant I do not have that luxury at the moment. I need help and that really pisses me off to no end. Because, like I said, that support system that is meant to bring peace and some kind of feeling a sense of stability just isn't there.
I can't talk to anyone. I have no great friends who feel the urge to call me and ask me about my life or my problems or to even see if I'm still living. I have no one that is just there for me. No one gets me. It really feels like no matter how much of an open book I am in life no one is paying attention.
I'm not the kind of friend who goes out looking to help someone out - but if I see a need I try to fill it. If a friend calls, I'm there to answer and help in any way I know how. If someone showed up at my door I would feed and clothe them.
It isn't just friendships, I wish it was. I can't even have a decent conversation with my husband and feel like he gives a damn or will remember anything I say 2 minutes later when asked about it. Our whole marriage has been one example after the other of the fact that he doesn't pay attention to me. He doesn't understand me. He doesn't get me at all. And after 7 years I either have to come to the conclusion that it's because he doesn't care or he's really just that stupid. I'm a pretty simple person.
I need a gentleman. Someone who sees me working like a dog and says to himself, "Hmm, she looks like she could use some help. I'll get up from watching TV or playing video games now and help her scrub the floor, do the laundry, take out the trash, play with the kids so they leave her alone for 5 minutes". But no. I don't get that. I don't get that peace. I wait and wait and wait...I have waited 7 years for initiative to come forth -- like some kind of fruit from that damn fruit tree that I've coddled and fertilized and watered for years waiting for that ONE sign of a harvest. And then there is a bud and I see it and I'm leery of becoming too optimistic because normally that bud just rots and falls off the tree within a matter of days because it becomes too inconvenient to continue on in that manner. It's easiest to be self involved. It's easiest and more fun to text your buddies all hours of the day/night, talk to them on the phone for hours, play video games online with them whenever you get a moment to... and then have the nerve to wonder why your wife is angry.
I've been scorned and hell hath no fury like a woman who has been scorned. I feel like I'm imprisoned to constantly be talking, begging, finding a different way to word my issue so maybe this time he'll understand my side of it and there will be some kind of lightbulb moment... but I don't think it's that he doesn't get it. I think it's because he doesn't care.
Because loving a woman is such a simple -- easy -- kindergarten thing to do and yet he can't master it. He can't master thinking of somebody ELSE before his own comfort, convenience, play time, etc.
No support. Absolutely without a doubt I am reeling in the wind like a flag -- but it feels like a flag of surrender, not of resolve.
In fact, he's gone for 5 days -- has the nerve to text me he loves me -- talks to me maybe 5 minutes out of the entire time he's gone and even that conversation was a joke filled with "uh huh"s. I can't even tell him about a frustrating day without him being in a rush to get off the phone with me.
I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed and lied to. I feel like he pursued me only to capture me and now I truly have become a captive -- a prisoner in a relationship with someone who obviously does not want to know me, does not care about my feelings or the fact that I am a woman who occasionally wants to feel needed, wanted, loved, adored, and like I'm attractive. He doesn't care that I'm lonely, that I do everything alone -- I am truly alone; most days I feel like a single parent.
He's not my comforter. He's not my friend. He's not my ally. He is not my champion. He is not my confidante. He is not support. He's not my love. I could fill a page of things he isn't and I'm very unsure of how far I could get on a page of things "he is".
I'm so tired and weary and just...feeling alone. Alone. Alone.
I know we're never truly alone, but surely God understands in this great vast universe -- with no one to hold you and feel like they're really holding you life just starts to get very heavy and burdensome.
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