My fault
You know what I'm tired of? I'm tired of not being able to get one day of peace. You would think that having the other parent around would entitle you to at least one day where you could just relax and not be stressed out. No, that isn't the case because while I'm trying to relax I'm hearing yelling every 5 seconds and children crying and then I get tattlers coming to tell me their sad sad story.
Many times at this point I've just started to say "No" as soon as I see their faces because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to fix it. I don't want to hear the excuses, or the it wasn't my fault and the sad thing is is I don't only hear that from the children.
His days off are not peaceful. They are not quiet. They are not fun. They are miserable and they always have been. We go through out the week having fairly good track record of accomplishing things, doing school work, taking naps, cleaning, running errands - not always, they do fight me on occasion and some days they are terrible little monsters; but as a whole I feel our experiences are always more positive than when he's around.
It's like he stresses us out. Or maybe it stresses me out because he's entitled to sit around and watch TV, play video games and his days off are just that; days off. While if I sit around then automatically I have no excuse to get upset at him that he can't even pick up his dirty dish and put it in the sink. I don't get a day off. I'm not entitled to sit around for one day and relax. I stopped requiring schoolwork to be done on his days off because there was absolutely no way anything ever got accomplished. Because he's sitting down there playing video games or watching TV and laziness begets laziness. No child wants to watch their one parent sit around and do nothing - even though there is plenty that needs to be done that only he can do at this point. It's called an example. If you want hardworking children then you had better show them how you work hard too. And if all your hard work is somewhere else where they can't see it, it doesn't exist.
I'm unhappy with this arrangement. It seems like no matter how many adjustments we make it never equals out. There is always more expected of me by proxy, someone has to do it and if he isn't going to do it obviously it falls on my shoulders. And instead of me working a full time job and doing everything else, I quit and said screw that I'm not going to be a work horse. But now that I don't work a full time job my husband thinks it's OK to throw that in my face. Because taking care of two children, keeping the house up, schooling them, feeding them, doing laundry, running errands, being 7 + months pregnant and going to all of the appointments that go with that (wic, doctor, dealing with medicaid, medical insurance, bills, etc) PLUS all of the regular responsibilities, dog, bills, automotive, household repairs and maintenance, lawn work, etc etc etc....now somehow I'm lazy if he comes home and the house doesn't look like a magazine picture.
I'm not going to lie some days I am definitely tempted to throw a pillow over his face in his sleep. And he wants to call me negative and tell me that it's my fault things are this way. Oh no. I didn't train you, Mr. I wasn't the one with the I can't do it mentality, I'm not the defeated one. I have never in my life said I can't do it . Because I simply don't believe it. I would never put restraints on my abilities like that or God's plan for my life. If I can dream it, I can do it. If I can see it, I can do it. If I can work hard enough, sacrifice enough, plan enough, etc....IT is achievable. So when my children come to me and say "I can't do it" I know where it came from and it isn't from me. From day one my husband has tried to discourage me, has tried to beat me down, has been zero support for me in any of the trials we've met (and if I've met them, I've met them alone), the only thing he has to say to me when I come to him with a plan is "You can't do that". And then I'm forced to shove it in his face when I do it and do it well.
And I'm the negative one. Right!
My issues are far and wide when it comes to marriage, I can absolutely say with 100% honesty I am no longer the sweet, caring, emotional, loving wife. I stopped that almost instantaneously. Why? Because I got tired of the expectation being different for me in the relationship than him. He was a mean, abusive bully that never had anything nice to say to me. Everything was my fault, when he got angry it was because I made him angry. When he broke something, it was because I made him angry. When we missed a bill, it's because I'm the one who pays the bills (because he refuses to have anything to do with our finances, bills, or any of the real adult responsibilities in life) and it was my fault. Everything is my fault. It still is.
I still remember dating him (yes, I think back and wonder to myself how low my self esteem must have been to even remotely be attracted to a man who treated me so poorly) and sue me, I like Johnny Depp. I made a comment about Johnny Depp being hot and he was so upset that he smacked my face. To this day I still can't say anything about a male movie star without him being pissed off about it. Can we say SAD!? He told me yesterday that "You're no supermodel" and I thought to myself, dude, I don't even freaking care! Like it would hurt my feelings! Like what he thinks of me at all effects how I run my life, it doesn't! My self esteem is not wrapped up in what he thinks of me, because frankly I don't give a damn what he thinks of me. I know what a catch I am and that he is fortunate to of gotten such a hard working, intelligent, diligent, honest, woman in his life who is even on her bad days still looking out for his benefit and the benefit of our family. I may not be sweet, I may not wear make up or do my hair anymore, I may not dress like I'm 20, have a body like a 20 year old, or cuddle up next to him like he's the best thing since sliced bread....but at the end of the day I'm still there working my butt off and not asking for a golden star next to my name.
I'm so freaking tired of not having any peace and quiet. I can't even go on vacations with him without it turning into a nightmare full of drama! Every family vacation we've ever had has turned out miserable because he's there. He throws a tantrum. He has a fit. He goes dramatic and involves my family, or does it in public and humiliates us all. He's a CHILD. And then he wonders why his 6 year old acts like that now, too. Um, Hello, you're an EXAMPLE! Grow up!
And there are moments when I think to myself...I'm done with this... I'm done with working so hard and at the end of the day you're still stuck with a piece of crap husband who doesn't give a crap about you, how you feel, what you've gone through today, if you're exhausted, if you're hurting, if you need a break - even 15 minutes. He says everything he does, he does for us, but it always feels like that is a cop out because every decision he makes from the moment he gets home is about his comfort. It's about him. What he wants to do. He's tired, he's worked all day, he wants some quiet, he's hungry, he wants to watch TV, he wants to play video games, he wants to talk to his friends or text them, he wants to shut out his family by sitting downstairs by himself until he goes to sleep... then he wants to shove all of us over even though we're watching a movie because HE wants to go to sleep.
He says he does everything for us, but I believe he is so wrapped up in himself he wouldn't know how to live selflessly. He doesn't know how to take care of someone else. He doesn't know how to love someone else. HE doesn't know how to PUT OTHERS before himself. Sure, he works a full time job and now he's in college half time and none of that is easy -- but at the end of the day that's my fault too.
Many times at this point I've just started to say "No" as soon as I see their faces because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to fix it. I don't want to hear the excuses, or the it wasn't my fault and the sad thing is is I don't only hear that from the children.
His days off are not peaceful. They are not quiet. They are not fun. They are miserable and they always have been. We go through out the week having fairly good track record of accomplishing things, doing school work, taking naps, cleaning, running errands - not always, they do fight me on occasion and some days they are terrible little monsters; but as a whole I feel our experiences are always more positive than when he's around.
It's like he stresses us out. Or maybe it stresses me out because he's entitled to sit around and watch TV, play video games and his days off are just that; days off. While if I sit around then automatically I have no excuse to get upset at him that he can't even pick up his dirty dish and put it in the sink. I don't get a day off. I'm not entitled to sit around for one day and relax. I stopped requiring schoolwork to be done on his days off because there was absolutely no way anything ever got accomplished. Because he's sitting down there playing video games or watching TV and laziness begets laziness. No child wants to watch their one parent sit around and do nothing - even though there is plenty that needs to be done that only he can do at this point. It's called an example. If you want hardworking children then you had better show them how you work hard too. And if all your hard work is somewhere else where they can't see it, it doesn't exist.
I'm unhappy with this arrangement. It seems like no matter how many adjustments we make it never equals out. There is always more expected of me by proxy, someone has to do it and if he isn't going to do it obviously it falls on my shoulders. And instead of me working a full time job and doing everything else, I quit and said screw that I'm not going to be a work horse. But now that I don't work a full time job my husband thinks it's OK to throw that in my face. Because taking care of two children, keeping the house up, schooling them, feeding them, doing laundry, running errands, being 7 + months pregnant and going to all of the appointments that go with that (wic, doctor, dealing with medicaid, medical insurance, bills, etc) PLUS all of the regular responsibilities, dog, bills, automotive, household repairs and maintenance, lawn work, etc etc etc....now somehow I'm lazy if he comes home and the house doesn't look like a magazine picture.
I'm not going to lie some days I am definitely tempted to throw a pillow over his face in his sleep. And he wants to call me negative and tell me that it's my fault things are this way. Oh no. I didn't train you, Mr. I wasn't the one with the I can't do it mentality, I'm not the defeated one. I have never in my life said I can't do it . Because I simply don't believe it. I would never put restraints on my abilities like that or God's plan for my life. If I can dream it, I can do it. If I can see it, I can do it. If I can work hard enough, sacrifice enough, plan enough, etc....IT is achievable. So when my children come to me and say "I can't do it" I know where it came from and it isn't from me. From day one my husband has tried to discourage me, has tried to beat me down, has been zero support for me in any of the trials we've met (and if I've met them, I've met them alone), the only thing he has to say to me when I come to him with a plan is "You can't do that". And then I'm forced to shove it in his face when I do it and do it well.
And I'm the negative one. Right!
My issues are far and wide when it comes to marriage, I can absolutely say with 100% honesty I am no longer the sweet, caring, emotional, loving wife. I stopped that almost instantaneously. Why? Because I got tired of the expectation being different for me in the relationship than him. He was a mean, abusive bully that never had anything nice to say to me. Everything was my fault, when he got angry it was because I made him angry. When he broke something, it was because I made him angry. When we missed a bill, it's because I'm the one who pays the bills (because he refuses to have anything to do with our finances, bills, or any of the real adult responsibilities in life) and it was my fault. Everything is my fault. It still is.
I still remember dating him (yes, I think back and wonder to myself how low my self esteem must have been to even remotely be attracted to a man who treated me so poorly) and sue me, I like Johnny Depp. I made a comment about Johnny Depp being hot and he was so upset that he smacked my face. To this day I still can't say anything about a male movie star without him being pissed off about it. Can we say SAD!? He told me yesterday that "You're no supermodel" and I thought to myself, dude, I don't even freaking care! Like it would hurt my feelings! Like what he thinks of me at all effects how I run my life, it doesn't! My self esteem is not wrapped up in what he thinks of me, because frankly I don't give a damn what he thinks of me. I know what a catch I am and that he is fortunate to of gotten such a hard working, intelligent, diligent, honest, woman in his life who is even on her bad days still looking out for his benefit and the benefit of our family. I may not be sweet, I may not wear make up or do my hair anymore, I may not dress like I'm 20, have a body like a 20 year old, or cuddle up next to him like he's the best thing since sliced bread....but at the end of the day I'm still there working my butt off and not asking for a golden star next to my name.
I'm so freaking tired of not having any peace and quiet. I can't even go on vacations with him without it turning into a nightmare full of drama! Every family vacation we've ever had has turned out miserable because he's there. He throws a tantrum. He has a fit. He goes dramatic and involves my family, or does it in public and humiliates us all. He's a CHILD. And then he wonders why his 6 year old acts like that now, too. Um, Hello, you're an EXAMPLE! Grow up!
And there are moments when I think to myself...I'm done with this... I'm done with working so hard and at the end of the day you're still stuck with a piece of crap husband who doesn't give a crap about you, how you feel, what you've gone through today, if you're exhausted, if you're hurting, if you need a break - even 15 minutes. He says everything he does, he does for us, but it always feels like that is a cop out because every decision he makes from the moment he gets home is about his comfort. It's about him. What he wants to do. He's tired, he's worked all day, he wants some quiet, he's hungry, he wants to watch TV, he wants to play video games, he wants to talk to his friends or text them, he wants to shut out his family by sitting downstairs by himself until he goes to sleep... then he wants to shove all of us over even though we're watching a movie because HE wants to go to sleep.
He says he does everything for us, but I believe he is so wrapped up in himself he wouldn't know how to live selflessly. He doesn't know how to take care of someone else. He doesn't know how to love someone else. HE doesn't know how to PUT OTHERS before himself. Sure, he works a full time job and now he's in college half time and none of that is easy -- but at the end of the day that's my fault too.
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