Without You

It's late and I was perusing pinterest trying to read off some steam venting in my head. 

I'm smart enough to know getting hurt or angry literally does no harm to anyone except myself and yet I'm not evolved enough to have figured out how to stop being affected by inconsiderate people. 

You have these ideas in life; you grow up being taught a certain way of life is. You accept it. You strive your entire life to gain that child's perspective in flesh and blood only to realize everything erodes with time. Including the promise you were given. 

I still remember what my Mother used to say to me friends come and go, but family is forever. Well, she was right about one thing, you can't exactly just escape the blood you share, the dna, maybe even family resemblance. But the loyalty is like a false floor, you walk over it and fall straight through. 

Not everyone including family is loyal. Just because you share blood, resemblance, a mother or a father, doesn't mean they will give you any preference to a complete stranger when it comes down to it. It's all about convenience. It's all about what's easiest. 

It's so easy to move on from people who know all your dirty little secrets. It's much more fun to hang out with people who believe the best in you because they have no knowledge of the worst. It's simply a ball to pretend like you're someone else because they are so ignorant of the last couple of decades of your life that they simply can't judge you. Family can and sometimes {almost always does} judge you for your mistakes, slip ups, or habits. So, lets just dust family under the rug because these strangers love me. Even though they don't know me. 

Don't we all love to pretend we're better than we are? I know that's why half the time when in a group I keep my mouth shut, I try to follow the rule of better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. But then they find out I blog and they read a few and figure out I'm not as nice of a person as they thought...lol whoops. But it's ok. Pretend is fun, but reality is where we live and if you don't love me on my bad days then I have no use for you on my good. 

That's why I can cry and get my feelings hurt and be confused beyond all reason and still at the end of it I will move on. I don't want you controlling my life so I try to offer the same consideration for the decisions you make in yours. I'm not your God. 

But in the end I watch family member to family member moving further away because it's easier to be who you want to be when they're not around. It's within your reach to become a better person when you're not constantly under the cloud of judgement. No one knows what you did when you were a teenager so they're not going to constantly remind you of it and not let you live it down. In fact they probably don't even care. They like who you are now. 

History is so over-rated. Yes it's familiarity, but it's familiarity. And sometimes it is so freeing to be around people who adore you or believe in you they truly believe you can be the person you're striving for. They're uplifting. They don't remind you of where you came from. It's alluring to step into the reflection in the eyes of someone who isn't burdened by your failures and only knows the few short bursts of your beautiful sparks. 

Family they almost never can look at you with fresh eyes and see who you are now. They're blinded by all the history they have they can't appreciate. Being the youngest I know the struggle of still being seen or treated like a child even though I'm 30 and almost have three children. I'm not respected. Or atleast I don't feel respected. 

It is easy to put somebody in a box. It is utmost convenient to decide what and who they are so you know where to classify them. You know what part of your life you want them in, will they be any everyday kind of person or only if you really have to kind of person? 

But then again sometimes we put people in the box marked when I have more time ...

and the trouble is you think you have time. And before you know it children are adults and siblings are moving away to start their own lives without you, because lets face it their whole life has been without you. 

How does that feel?