Small Beginnings
When your mind won't shut off and your eyes are burning; that's the place where I've been residing for the past week and a half. You make decisions based on all the information at present, sometimes based on beliefs, emotions, and very few times you just jump in and wing it.
It's 1:19 am and my mind is racing, it goes to places and worries that I know I can't fix or solve, but it hangs out there just to bug me. The moments in life when you are reminded harshly that you aren't Super Woman really suck. All you want to do is fix it; do what's needed, be what's needed, figure it all out so you can sleep.
I need inspiration, divine or otherwise. I'm stuck in a situation where I can't seem to climb the mountain and I should be moving it.
Have you ever been there? I'm sure you have.
I made a decision to become a stay at home mom, it's been my dream ever since I had my first son. I worked hard for 6 years to get us into a position where it was even feasible because I couldn't just leave us stranded without a proper plan to get through. But even with a proper plan to get through you find yourself struggling. One income is tough when it isn't six figures.
One income, now you're left with like 3 options: 1. Find a way to increase the income, 2. Find a way to downsize the outgoing, or 3. Find a way to supplement the income from home
Those all sound like amazing options! Until you start to think them through. Well, he isn't due for a raise til next year; but God could definitely do a work if He wanted to. I am pretty darn sure I have cut the budget until the budget is throwing up in the toilet after each meal to keep it's beautiful bare bones body. And all those wonderful options for supplementing income I've read about are either, fictional or not worth your time unless you want to make pennies an hour and then at that point what's the point of being home with my kids if I'm ignoring them for the better part of the day?
There has to be a give. I know for sure I haven't been the best steward of many resources the past few months, but in my defense I'm pregnant and I really don't feel inspired, the desire, or able to crank up the energy to cook a home cooked meal every single 3 times a day; so, this has left us spending the valuable few dollars in cash every 2 weeks I get stipend on crappy fast food. UGH.
And then there's this innate desire to accomplish. I hear a hoarse German voice in my head telling me to move it I only have 2 1/2 more months before baby could pop this cork and be free! I have rooms to organize and projects to finish and a house that needs to be a home. It needs to feel like a home to me and it feels like a giant overgrown massacre.
I blame my parents for this feeling like the space I live in isn't ever truly mine. Growing up in constant projects and just when they got finished, we sold it and moved on to another dump with great potential. Don't get me wrong, they always did and they always turned out gorgeous...I just didn't really get to feel settled ever. So, now that I own a home I want it to feel like mine a direct reflection of me. Warmth.
But everything requires that horrible thing called money. Yes, the one thing I don't have unlimited access to! I could be irresponsible and I have on quite a few occasions with it, but I've worked so hard the last 6 years and spent countless hours away from my children sacrificing so that we could live smart. So, naturally I don't want to blow it now.
So, I spend my days, nights, spare moments reading and researching and praying and just hoping my heart into a little wound up ball that God will give me a solution. Knock on my door and tell me Julie, this is your pleasure. Because I like a good many things, I'm good at quite a few as well, but I'm not sure how to make a living at home doing any of them.
My mind is gushing, filling my entire body with stress and unrest and because of that shut off valve that seems to be jammed I'm stuck here at now 1:34 am with sand paper eyes wanting to just sleep.
I can't control it. I admit I'm at a loss. The light switch is somewhere on the wall and I keep fumbling around trying to find it so I can just turn it on and see where I'm supposed to be walking.
But here is where I'm going to end this... this is a small beginning, it feels like I'm wading through uncertainty, but I won't despise the hard work because He has never failed me yet.
It's 1:19 am and my mind is racing, it goes to places and worries that I know I can't fix or solve, but it hangs out there just to bug me. The moments in life when you are reminded harshly that you aren't Super Woman really suck. All you want to do is fix it; do what's needed, be what's needed, figure it all out so you can sleep.
I need inspiration, divine or otherwise. I'm stuck in a situation where I can't seem to climb the mountain and I should be moving it.
Have you ever been there? I'm sure you have.
I made a decision to become a stay at home mom, it's been my dream ever since I had my first son. I worked hard for 6 years to get us into a position where it was even feasible because I couldn't just leave us stranded without a proper plan to get through. But even with a proper plan to get through you find yourself struggling. One income is tough when it isn't six figures.
One income, now you're left with like 3 options: 1. Find a way to increase the income, 2. Find a way to downsize the outgoing, or 3. Find a way to supplement the income from home
Those all sound like amazing options! Until you start to think them through. Well, he isn't due for a raise til next year; but God could definitely do a work if He wanted to. I am pretty darn sure I have cut the budget until the budget is throwing up in the toilet after each meal to keep it's beautiful bare bones body. And all those wonderful options for supplementing income I've read about are either, fictional or not worth your time unless you want to make pennies an hour and then at that point what's the point of being home with my kids if I'm ignoring them for the better part of the day?
There has to be a give. I know for sure I haven't been the best steward of many resources the past few months, but in my defense I'm pregnant and I really don't feel inspired, the desire, or able to crank up the energy to cook a home cooked meal every single 3 times a day; so, this has left us spending the valuable few dollars in cash every 2 weeks I get stipend on crappy fast food. UGH.
And then there's this innate desire to accomplish. I hear a hoarse German voice in my head telling me to move it I only have 2 1/2 more months before baby could pop this cork and be free! I have rooms to organize and projects to finish and a house that needs to be a home. It needs to feel like a home to me and it feels like a giant overgrown massacre.
I blame my parents for this feeling like the space I live in isn't ever truly mine. Growing up in constant projects and just when they got finished, we sold it and moved on to another dump with great potential. Don't get me wrong, they always did and they always turned out gorgeous...I just didn't really get to feel settled ever. So, now that I own a home I want it to feel like mine a direct reflection of me. Warmth.
But everything requires that horrible thing called money. Yes, the one thing I don't have unlimited access to! I could be irresponsible and I have on quite a few occasions with it, but I've worked so hard the last 6 years and spent countless hours away from my children sacrificing so that we could live smart. So, naturally I don't want to blow it now.
So, I spend my days, nights, spare moments reading and researching and praying and just hoping my heart into a little wound up ball that God will give me a solution. Knock on my door and tell me Julie, this is your pleasure. Because I like a good many things, I'm good at quite a few as well, but I'm not sure how to make a living at home doing any of them.
My mind is gushing, filling my entire body with stress and unrest and because of that shut off valve that seems to be jammed I'm stuck here at now 1:34 am with sand paper eyes wanting to just sleep.
I can't control it. I admit I'm at a loss. The light switch is somewhere on the wall and I keep fumbling around trying to find it so I can just turn it on and see where I'm supposed to be walking.
But here is where I'm going to end this... this is a small beginning, it feels like I'm wading through uncertainty, but I won't despise the hard work because He has never failed me yet.
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