Full Of Grace
There is a great deal of silence at night for me, which is probably why I always get in the pensive mood right when I'm trying to sleep. There I am lying there, wanting to sleep and my mind just starts to finally open up and relieve itself.
I have found myself pondering about love. About loving people who make it easy for you and loving people who are difficult to love.
I fail often as a mother showing enough affection, I'm very affectionate and so are my children, but it never seems quite enough. I always find a way to make up for something I did wrong, like losing my temper, but I never want it to get that far. You see the looks on their face when you're in the middle of a break down and that face is horrible to look at; you're hurting them and even if they might deserve the scolding, it hurts you back. I hate the look of disappointment and I never want to see it on the face of my children, not when they're truly disappointed in me.
Failure. There are some failures in life that are just so easy to deal with. Like, oops, I forgot the library books were due today; I can live with that. But failing to make my children feel secure 100% of the time, or loved, or appreciated, or wonderful; no, I find those failures unacceptable.
Maybe you think I'm being too hard on myself and maybe I am, but that's my job. It's my job as Mom to question myself, to rethink which roads I'm taking and which ones I'm taking too often that lead down rocky paths. It's my job to remake myself if that's what I need to do to somehow do better.
My children aren't difficult to love, they're easy to love. So, if I struggle showing love to the people in my life that never fail to bring me joy, laughter, endless supply of love and support; then what kind of person am I? Because I know I must be failing terribly at showing love to the other 99% of the world. Not that I care most days.
What is missing? Is it sleep? Well, yes. Is it patience? Is it the correct mindset? Am I waking up with the correct mindset every morning? No.
Their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father. I'm not entirely sure what this means, but what I take from it is that children are so important their angels don't wait in line. If the child has a need, their angels are always in front of God's face interceding for them.
I need to wake up in the morning remembering my children are my allies. Whatever happens in the day we should approach it as a team, this is how family should be. This is how family needs to be and I want them to have what I didn't.
I fail often as a mother showing enough affection, I'm very affectionate and so are my children, but it never seems quite enough. I always find a way to make up for something I did wrong, like losing my temper, but I never want it to get that far. You see the looks on their face when you're in the middle of a break down and that face is horrible to look at; you're hurting them and even if they might deserve the scolding, it hurts you back. I hate the look of disappointment and I never want to see it on the face of my children, not when they're truly disappointed in me.
Failure. There are some failures in life that are just so easy to deal with. Like, oops, I forgot the library books were due today; I can live with that. But failing to make my children feel secure 100% of the time, or loved, or appreciated, or wonderful; no, I find those failures unacceptable.
Maybe you think I'm being too hard on myself and maybe I am, but that's my job. It's my job as Mom to question myself, to rethink which roads I'm taking and which ones I'm taking too often that lead down rocky paths. It's my job to remake myself if that's what I need to do to somehow do better.
My children aren't difficult to love, they're easy to love. So, if I struggle showing love to the people in my life that never fail to bring me joy, laughter, endless supply of love and support; then what kind of person am I? Because I know I must be failing terribly at showing love to the other 99% of the world. Not that I care most days.
What is missing? Is it sleep? Well, yes. Is it patience? Is it the correct mindset? Am I waking up with the correct mindset every morning? No.
Matthew 18:10"See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.
Their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father. I'm not entirely sure what this means, but what I take from it is that children are so important their angels don't wait in line. If the child has a need, their angels are always in front of God's face interceding for them.
I need to wake up in the morning remembering my children are my allies. Whatever happens in the day we should approach it as a team, this is how family should be. This is how family needs to be and I want them to have what I didn't.
How are we going to give them long life? Long and fruitful life? How are we going to make sure our children respect our words and look at our actions and know we're honorable? It's got to come from the heart. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks...
Do everything in love.
And last I'll leave myself with one more thought to ponder on in my dreams...and wake with it on my mind...
I know I can love you much better than this, full of grace, my love.
-Sarah McLachlan
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