Involved
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need" - Rolling Stones
Yes, I quoted the rolling stones and I don't even like them, but I find this part of the lyrics particularly true.
When you're young you have all these illusions about love, romanticism, drama, the pure emotion and pull of it all. You imagine love is like gravity, pulling you in constantly, keeping you inside it; allured and seduced. You think relationships are everything you want and everything you need.
At 30 I now imagine love is like a steam engine on a train, it requires steering and fuel without which it becomes a useless piece of metal stuck on the same tracks; rusting and just becoming a sad landmark of the past.
Once you stop asking yourself what you want, stop thinking that everyone else is required to give you what you want you might find you're already getting what you need.
I'm not saying that love is without desires, emotions or romance; I'm saying when you need those to keep you afloat they're a distraction. I don't need flowers, I need consistency. I need to know when I can't handle it all that I have someone covering my back. Some days you need to know that there is someone who wants to take care of you. If they don't what are they there for?
I'm pretty self made, I can take care of myself. I don't need a man to complete me or to fix me food, clean my clothes, or pay my bills; I didn't get married to become a fixture in a pretty house. I got married because what one can accomplish is amazing, but what two can accomplish is what you would normally think impossible. I want the impossible.
When I was young there was a list of things I wanted in a man, my dream guy. This list is extensive, but I left out some of the most important details on this list and reading it at the age of 30 when I made it at 16 I realize how flawed my vision was. I imagine it's sort of like the list we give to God, so narrow and childish. What I didn't ask for were the things I truly needed in a man. I asked for mostly things that I would now consider to be merely cosmetic.
Relationships aren't everything you need or want, because if they were there would be no room for growth. There would be no room for potential and we all have potential everyday of our lives, it's how God made us, it's why we're beautiful. Human kind has endless possibilities. There is something so horrible in perfection. Relationships are what you make them to be, what you strive for, what you allow yourself to envision and what you allow yourself to pour into them. It isn't about what the other person can offer you, although this is important and without two working together you will get nowhere; they're about what you are willing to sacrifice, the toil you're willing to give to sow the seeds that will bloom tomorrow to become that solid tree planted by the water.
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need. So, I had to ask myself recently what it was I really needed and I came to a conclusion; I need involvement. I need more than present and accounted for. I need hands on mine in the huddle ready to cheer us on to the win. I need you to be truly here. Invested. Interested. And paying attention.
It's funny how other relationships can sabotage a marriage. When you allow your frustrations from the starvation you've felt your whole life from all the lack as a child, lack of love, of support, of expectations for greatness, pride, just a sheer knowledge that you were exactly what your parents wanted. I imagine it's a horrible feeling to go your whole life feeling unwanted. And then you grow up and that feeling never escapes you. It chokes you like a weed. There comes a time when you begin the harvest and you separate the weeds from the wheat and you let them go.
We can't be held responsible for what someone else lacked. We can't be burdened by what someone else can't live up to. It isn't up to us to decide how others treat us; it's a sad and completely tragic situation to be in, yes, but we are in the midst of life and the more we focus on our disappointments in others the less we're focusing on being proud of ourselves and what we've accomplished. We cannot look in the mirror any longer and see our parents and their flaws and where they still fall short, we have to see what we are becoming and make sure we are involved and not just present and accounted for.
Because when it comes down to it our children are growing up either feeling worthy of our time and attention or growing up feeling unworthy like you have your whole life.
Marriage and parenthood; two of the most important and crucial callings you will ever answer in your life. Please be aware.
Yes, I quoted the rolling stones and I don't even like them, but I find this part of the lyrics particularly true.
When you're young you have all these illusions about love, romanticism, drama, the pure emotion and pull of it all. You imagine love is like gravity, pulling you in constantly, keeping you inside it; allured and seduced. You think relationships are everything you want and everything you need.
At 30 I now imagine love is like a steam engine on a train, it requires steering and fuel without which it becomes a useless piece of metal stuck on the same tracks; rusting and just becoming a sad landmark of the past.
Once you stop asking yourself what you want, stop thinking that everyone else is required to give you what you want you might find you're already getting what you need.
I'm not saying that love is without desires, emotions or romance; I'm saying when you need those to keep you afloat they're a distraction. I don't need flowers, I need consistency. I need to know when I can't handle it all that I have someone covering my back. Some days you need to know that there is someone who wants to take care of you. If they don't what are they there for?
I'm pretty self made, I can take care of myself. I don't need a man to complete me or to fix me food, clean my clothes, or pay my bills; I didn't get married to become a fixture in a pretty house. I got married because what one can accomplish is amazing, but what two can accomplish is what you would normally think impossible. I want the impossible.
When I was young there was a list of things I wanted in a man, my dream guy. This list is extensive, but I left out some of the most important details on this list and reading it at the age of 30 when I made it at 16 I realize how flawed my vision was. I imagine it's sort of like the list we give to God, so narrow and childish. What I didn't ask for were the things I truly needed in a man. I asked for mostly things that I would now consider to be merely cosmetic.
Relationships aren't everything you need or want, because if they were there would be no room for growth. There would be no room for potential and we all have potential everyday of our lives, it's how God made us, it's why we're beautiful. Human kind has endless possibilities. There is something so horrible in perfection. Relationships are what you make them to be, what you strive for, what you allow yourself to envision and what you allow yourself to pour into them. It isn't about what the other person can offer you, although this is important and without two working together you will get nowhere; they're about what you are willing to sacrifice, the toil you're willing to give to sow the seeds that will bloom tomorrow to become that solid tree planted by the water.
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need. So, I had to ask myself recently what it was I really needed and I came to a conclusion; I need involvement. I need more than present and accounted for. I need hands on mine in the huddle ready to cheer us on to the win. I need you to be truly here. Invested. Interested. And paying attention.
It's funny how other relationships can sabotage a marriage. When you allow your frustrations from the starvation you've felt your whole life from all the lack as a child, lack of love, of support, of expectations for greatness, pride, just a sheer knowledge that you were exactly what your parents wanted. I imagine it's a horrible feeling to go your whole life feeling unwanted. And then you grow up and that feeling never escapes you. It chokes you like a weed. There comes a time when you begin the harvest and you separate the weeds from the wheat and you let them go.
We can't be held responsible for what someone else lacked. We can't be burdened by what someone else can't live up to. It isn't up to us to decide how others treat us; it's a sad and completely tragic situation to be in, yes, but we are in the midst of life and the more we focus on our disappointments in others the less we're focusing on being proud of ourselves and what we've accomplished. We cannot look in the mirror any longer and see our parents and their flaws and where they still fall short, we have to see what we are becoming and make sure we are involved and not just present and accounted for.
Because when it comes down to it our children are growing up either feeling worthy of our time and attention or growing up feeling unworthy like you have your whole life.
Marriage and parenthood; two of the most important and crucial callings you will ever answer in your life. Please be aware.
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