Embark
At 30 I can safely say that life is never how I expected it to turn out, even with all of my incessant planning and pondering, it is a powerful river that will plow paths wherever the water wants to go. Or however God is intending I should go, sometimes I foresee it and we're ready to paddle in that direction; and other times, it is a path that seemingly fell from the sky and we're just making the best of it trying to stay in the boat.
The passed 6 years I have had one dream, to be a stay at home mom. Finances demanded my presence in the job field. I held my own and contributed what I needed to to keep our family afloat amongst the treacherous waves of debt. Some years it felt like we were rising above the tide, others we were bailing water out of our boat and spitting the water out so we wouldn't drown. I cried, I mourned, I grieved for all the hours I felt were wasted in a futile whirlpool. I sincerely felt sometimes like I was circling the drain and that everything I was working for was some made up reality that didn't really exist on earth, it didn't exist for me.
Bad luck? I pegged some of it as a curse. I don't know where the curse came from, maybe a hex from an evil person that was jealous of everything our family had in Hawaii? But once we stepped foot in Missouri I seemed doomed. I felt doomed. Everything went down hill.
I digress. I'm 30. I'm debt free. I own a beautiful home, have two wonderful (albeit spirited children) and a hard working husband that has scraped his way to the top (of a tiny hill lol). We've worked hard, long, tirelessly (actually we were very tired) to achieve what we have.
We took blessings where we could find them, even though sometimes it felt like they were bought with His blood AND OURS.
I'm about to embark on a journey that has been my fantasy for 6 years, stay at home mom - hood. I'm elated, naturally. But I imagined 6 years ago that I would have somewhat more support. I'm starting almost from scratch. All my true friends, the very very few and in between people who have actually shown up for me, are watching me head out into the unknown. And all these SAHM pro's, well, I'm not in "their crowd". So, all the support I imagined I'd have...the play dates, the home-school groups, the women I would have that had so much in common with me and their children would love my children (let's face it, my children love any and all children) and I would have this circle. Well, it's a circle of one.
I'm starting fresh. Starting from scratch. It's hard out there for a woman who says what she believes even at the cost of being an outcast. A woman who believes 100% everything in the bible, even the annoying parts where it says to worship God with clanging symbols and raising your hands and praise him with banners! I believe in loving God with your whole body, so that there is no question in anyone's mind that you're praising Him. I am Political. I have opinions, strong ones and they may not match yours but I respect yours just as well. I will not harass, ridicule or berate you for believing different than me. In fact, I will still love you as a friend, I will still hang out with you (I won't delete you off of Facebook). I will forgive you when you fall short because heaven knows I do pretty much all the time and I'm hoping you're going to forgive mine. I believe in equality. I believe in hard work. I believe in loving ALL PEOPLE regardless of sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or political views (although some make it more difficult, I admit). I'm not always graceful. I'm definitely not always kind. But I'm 100% honest 100% of the time. I will not sugar coat, I will not tell you what you want to hear, I will not say something to your back that I haven't or wouldn't say to your face.
And I'm worth it, damn it! I'm sick of feeling like because I'm not rainbows and hearts all the time that I'm not worth being included.
I am so excited that my children will get the benefit of having me around all the time. That they will get the benefit of being home schooled by someone who has patience, time, has gotten enough sleep and had meals and isn't dehydrated lol. I will get to think again! I will get to explore again! I will get to do yard work, have time for laundry, organizing, projects, and learning new things!
With every job that must be done there is an element of fun, you find the fun and SNAP! The jobs a game!
I'm embarking on the biggest job of my life, Full Time Mommy Hood! WOO!
The passed 6 years I have had one dream, to be a stay at home mom. Finances demanded my presence in the job field. I held my own and contributed what I needed to to keep our family afloat amongst the treacherous waves of debt. Some years it felt like we were rising above the tide, others we were bailing water out of our boat and spitting the water out so we wouldn't drown. I cried, I mourned, I grieved for all the hours I felt were wasted in a futile whirlpool. I sincerely felt sometimes like I was circling the drain and that everything I was working for was some made up reality that didn't really exist on earth, it didn't exist for me.
Bad luck? I pegged some of it as a curse. I don't know where the curse came from, maybe a hex from an evil person that was jealous of everything our family had in Hawaii? But once we stepped foot in Missouri I seemed doomed. I felt doomed. Everything went down hill.
I digress. I'm 30. I'm debt free. I own a beautiful home, have two wonderful (albeit spirited children) and a hard working husband that has scraped his way to the top (of a tiny hill lol). We've worked hard, long, tirelessly (actually we were very tired) to achieve what we have.
We took blessings where we could find them, even though sometimes it felt like they were bought with His blood AND OURS.
I'm about to embark on a journey that has been my fantasy for 6 years, stay at home mom - hood. I'm elated, naturally. But I imagined 6 years ago that I would have somewhat more support. I'm starting almost from scratch. All my true friends, the very very few and in between people who have actually shown up for me, are watching me head out into the unknown. And all these SAHM pro's, well, I'm not in "their crowd". So, all the support I imagined I'd have...the play dates, the home-school groups, the women I would have that had so much in common with me and their children would love my children (let's face it, my children love any and all children) and I would have this circle. Well, it's a circle of one.
I'm starting fresh. Starting from scratch. It's hard out there for a woman who says what she believes even at the cost of being an outcast. A woman who believes 100% everything in the bible, even the annoying parts where it says to worship God with clanging symbols and raising your hands and praise him with banners! I believe in loving God with your whole body, so that there is no question in anyone's mind that you're praising Him. I am Political. I have opinions, strong ones and they may not match yours but I respect yours just as well. I will not harass, ridicule or berate you for believing different than me. In fact, I will still love you as a friend, I will still hang out with you (I won't delete you off of Facebook). I will forgive you when you fall short because heaven knows I do pretty much all the time and I'm hoping you're going to forgive mine. I believe in equality. I believe in hard work. I believe in loving ALL PEOPLE regardless of sexual orientation, religious beliefs, or political views (although some make it more difficult, I admit). I'm not always graceful. I'm definitely not always kind. But I'm 100% honest 100% of the time. I will not sugar coat, I will not tell you what you want to hear, I will not say something to your back that I haven't or wouldn't say to your face.
And I'm worth it, damn it! I'm sick of feeling like because I'm not rainbows and hearts all the time that I'm not worth being included.
I am so excited that my children will get the benefit of having me around all the time. That they will get the benefit of being home schooled by someone who has patience, time, has gotten enough sleep and had meals and isn't dehydrated lol. I will get to think again! I will get to explore again! I will get to do yard work, have time for laundry, organizing, projects, and learning new things!
With every job that must be done there is an element of fun, you find the fun and SNAP! The jobs a game!
I'm embarking on the biggest job of my life, Full Time Mommy Hood! WOO!
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