the whole world
You ever have those moments when it feels like the whole world has what you want and you're just sitting watching them through their windows wishing you knew what it was like to feel complete?
My whole life I've felt like a project. If I just did this. If I looked like that. Once I have this I'll be satisfied.
I know how terrible it is to lie to yourself.
Sometimes I believe that life feels like a movie you're watching, life is going past you on a screen and you're watching it detached from it. You're not apart of it, you're on the outside. But you get older and you look in the mirror and you realize that time is surely passing and those things you were going to do tomorrow, well tomorrow has gone and they've never been done. You've never reached those steps, you've never learned those lessons, you'll never be that person.
And then you feel stuck. You wake up and you're knee deep in mud and when you try to move you just end up sinking further. With a smile on your face.
The happiest of people sometimes drown.
My quest in this is not to be a "downer", but to be a realist. And I'm just thinking to myself.
I love reading blogs. I love reading how to books, blogs, stories, etc. I love listening to Dave Ramsey on the IheartRadio app, YouTube, DaveRamsey.com. I love the idea of being a better person. Controlling your worst attributes and accenting your best ones. But the devil is in the details of it all, the application. It's a wonderful thing to have a plan, it's a wonderful thing to be organized, to have lists, to have charts and books, notes, dreams. But one day, someday, you have to actually do what you set out to do.
Yes, I have accomplished many many things in my life. I've leapt over tall buildings in retrospect. Maybe I'm just a perfectionist that requires real honest to goodness progress on a daily basis without being made to feel like I'm travelling backwards?
Or maybe it's because I have this time table in my head, I feel like I should be further along. I know the mistakes I've made and they were truly stupid ones. Foolish ones. And I don't stop making mistakes, I make errors daily...tons. And I kick myself in the shins for it because I know better.
And there are trends with me. I research, until my eyes are sore; I read for hours, I'm pretty sure I have made myself a little blind from being in front of the computer screen so much. I want to know how to do everything. But for some reason no matter how much I read I still end up with a HUGE learning curve. Shocking, I know, I actually have to learn by doing. As much as I read about things, I still make mistakes. Which bothers me to no end...lol I know it's silly.
It just feels sometimes like the whole world has it together and I only talk about having it together while I feel like a complete mess.
The whole world is having their cake and eating it too and I'm stuck here, in my mess, with 20 loads of laundry stacked up on the couch in neat stacks {My very organized disaster}. Here I am, I just swept my floor and it looks like I live under a circus tent with trash and miscellaneous sprinkled all over...as if I live with a band of monkeys {I do}.
It isn't the mess I mind. It's the time I don't have to keep up with it. The mess is a reminder that I'm away from this home more than I'm in it. I feel forced. I feel like I'm begrudgingly working a 40 hour week that I shouldn't have to.
Maybe that's because of how I grew up. I grew up with the expectation that mother's get to stay home with their kids, it's the norm. I was not taught to work a full time job away from my children and ideals and sacrifice my peace, sleep, life, freedom for a paycheck. In fact I was taught the absolute opposite. Over and over I remember hearing my parents say to me "Don't be a slave working for someone else, work for yourself".
I want my own business. I want some semblance of freedom, of choice, of control how the business is run, some respect on my opinion. I want to feel like I have a hand on the wheel of my destiny, not just a slave to my alarm clock and a schedule telling me I have to go somewhere and make money for someone. Yes, yes, I get it! To live you have to have money! To live you have to work. Those who don't work shouldn't eat. I agree. But I want to work for myself.
It's a work in progress. I have so many ideas, so many interests, so many hobbies and dreams. I am just gathering my knowledge. Working up the courage and doing my best to arrange the pieces on the chess board when I can finally say check mate.
And the whole world can watch through my window for a change.
Sincerely,
J
My whole life I've felt like a project. If I just did this. If I looked like that. Once I have this I'll be satisfied.
I know how terrible it is to lie to yourself.
Sometimes I believe that life feels like a movie you're watching, life is going past you on a screen and you're watching it detached from it. You're not apart of it, you're on the outside. But you get older and you look in the mirror and you realize that time is surely passing and those things you were going to do tomorrow, well tomorrow has gone and they've never been done. You've never reached those steps, you've never learned those lessons, you'll never be that person.
And then you feel stuck. You wake up and you're knee deep in mud and when you try to move you just end up sinking further. With a smile on your face.
The happiest of people sometimes drown.
My quest in this is not to be a "downer", but to be a realist. And I'm just thinking to myself.
I love reading blogs. I love reading how to books, blogs, stories, etc. I love listening to Dave Ramsey on the IheartRadio app, YouTube, DaveRamsey.com. I love the idea of being a better person. Controlling your worst attributes and accenting your best ones. But the devil is in the details of it all, the application. It's a wonderful thing to have a plan, it's a wonderful thing to be organized, to have lists, to have charts and books, notes, dreams. But one day, someday, you have to actually do what you set out to do.
Yes, I have accomplished many many things in my life. I've leapt over tall buildings in retrospect. Maybe I'm just a perfectionist that requires real honest to goodness progress on a daily basis without being made to feel like I'm travelling backwards?
Or maybe it's because I have this time table in my head, I feel like I should be further along. I know the mistakes I've made and they were truly stupid ones. Foolish ones. And I don't stop making mistakes, I make errors daily...tons. And I kick myself in the shins for it because I know better.
And there are trends with me. I research, until my eyes are sore; I read for hours, I'm pretty sure I have made myself a little blind from being in front of the computer screen so much. I want to know how to do everything. But for some reason no matter how much I read I still end up with a HUGE learning curve. Shocking, I know, I actually have to learn by doing. As much as I read about things, I still make mistakes. Which bothers me to no end...lol I know it's silly.
It just feels sometimes like the whole world has it together and I only talk about having it together while I feel like a complete mess.
The whole world is having their cake and eating it too and I'm stuck here, in my mess, with 20 loads of laundry stacked up on the couch in neat stacks {My very organized disaster}. Here I am, I just swept my floor and it looks like I live under a circus tent with trash and miscellaneous sprinkled all over...as if I live with a band of monkeys {I do}.
It isn't the mess I mind. It's the time I don't have to keep up with it. The mess is a reminder that I'm away from this home more than I'm in it. I feel forced. I feel like I'm begrudgingly working a 40 hour week that I shouldn't have to.
Maybe that's because of how I grew up. I grew up with the expectation that mother's get to stay home with their kids, it's the norm. I was not taught to work a full time job away from my children and ideals and sacrifice my peace, sleep, life, freedom for a paycheck. In fact I was taught the absolute opposite. Over and over I remember hearing my parents say to me "Don't be a slave working for someone else, work for yourself".
I want my own business. I want some semblance of freedom, of choice, of control how the business is run, some respect on my opinion. I want to feel like I have a hand on the wheel of my destiny, not just a slave to my alarm clock and a schedule telling me I have to go somewhere and make money for someone. Yes, yes, I get it! To live you have to have money! To live you have to work. Those who don't work shouldn't eat. I agree. But I want to work for myself.
It's a work in progress. I have so many ideas, so many interests, so many hobbies and dreams. I am just gathering my knowledge. Working up the courage and doing my best to arrange the pieces on the chess board when I can finally say check mate.
And the whole world can watch through my window for a change.
Sincerely,
J
Comments