Foundation
I don't know if I could properly express how hard it is in this day and age to not give into the pressure to be an independent career woman who can raise a family, be an accountant, a cook, a maid and a loving friend. Or maybe the pressure is inside of you and it's literally a constant reminder that you don't need to prove you can do it all. Life is not a competition.
Sometimes I take things so personally. I know what I want, because of the choices I've made in life there is only one clear path. I'm a mother, so mother comes first. I know this list can start in many different ways depending on your ideals, but my ideals are to dedicate my life to raising my kids. I have to remind myself this.
I get on this competition train, this I deserve this train and then I realize what is actually in the package.... when you start to unwrap it it doesn't begin to feel like a present, but a burden. It feels like my whole life just bleeding out in front of me.
I sit and think, my son is almost 6. I have him 12 more years. Only twelve years. 6 years ago I wouldn't have said that, I wouldn't have thought that. But now I'm sitting here and he's almost 6 and 1/3 of the time I get to give him all of me has passed and he's gotten cut such a raw deal.
It isn't egotistical for me to understand that I am what's best for my children. God gave them to me, it's my responsibility to raise them, to train them, to teach them, to prepare them. How am I supposed to do that in a small 4-5 hour window 5 days a week between work, sleep, eating, laundry, dishes, bills, etc? I wish that I could pause time and make sure I was there, truly there, for them, but that isn't how life works.
God makes you choose. What will you dedicate your life to?
Believe me, I'm still the independent Julie inside. Sometimes it is definitely a sacrifice for me to think about letting go of advancement. To not pursue things that I want because they aren't good for my family. It actually is a huge deflation to my ego to have to back down. It literally hurts and I don't think people get that. It isn't that I'm lazy or that I can't do it, or that I'm not qualified, not talented enough or a hard enough worker. I'm all of those things and more, but I'm a Mother first. I think about that first, I have to.
I do mourn my single life. I do wish that I had two lives to give. I do wish that I could just throw my arms up and fly into whatever career suited my fancy. But I always have to sit down and count the cost, figure in the risk, and then decide what is best for my whole family.
I can no longer be selfish with my time {all of it}, I can no longer choose what suits my fancy with my life, I can no longer quit a job just because I don't like it, I can also not just take a job because it would make me feel like I had acquired a trophy. I have to think long term, responsible, stable. Those are all boring words. But so is the word foundation. However, if you try to build without one you will find yourself in a pile of rubble buried in your failed hopes, dreams, ambitions, work, money, time, sweat, and tears.
You do what you have to do in life to move in the right direction. I can't help but imagine this giant game board, Life, if you will. You try to do what you think is the best, with the knowledge you have, at the moment you have it.
But don't mistake when I tell you, either way it isn't easy. Either way I go, I'm still sacrificing something. Either way I go, I'm still getting criticized or pressured to be or do something differently. Either way I go, I'm still worrying that I'm doing the wrong thing. Hoping, praying, believing that all my knowledge, praying, and experience is not leading me into temptation but delivering me from something.
I have to build this foundation right, solid, strong.
Sometimes I take things so personally. I know what I want, because of the choices I've made in life there is only one clear path. I'm a mother, so mother comes first. I know this list can start in many different ways depending on your ideals, but my ideals are to dedicate my life to raising my kids. I have to remind myself this.
I get on this competition train, this I deserve this train and then I realize what is actually in the package.... when you start to unwrap it it doesn't begin to feel like a present, but a burden. It feels like my whole life just bleeding out in front of me.
I sit and think, my son is almost 6. I have him 12 more years. Only twelve years. 6 years ago I wouldn't have said that, I wouldn't have thought that. But now I'm sitting here and he's almost 6 and 1/3 of the time I get to give him all of me has passed and he's gotten cut such a raw deal.
It isn't egotistical for me to understand that I am what's best for my children. God gave them to me, it's my responsibility to raise them, to train them, to teach them, to prepare them. How am I supposed to do that in a small 4-5 hour window 5 days a week between work, sleep, eating, laundry, dishes, bills, etc? I wish that I could pause time and make sure I was there, truly there, for them, but that isn't how life works.
God makes you choose. What will you dedicate your life to?
Believe me, I'm still the independent Julie inside. Sometimes it is definitely a sacrifice for me to think about letting go of advancement. To not pursue things that I want because they aren't good for my family. It actually is a huge deflation to my ego to have to back down. It literally hurts and I don't think people get that. It isn't that I'm lazy or that I can't do it, or that I'm not qualified, not talented enough or a hard enough worker. I'm all of those things and more, but I'm a Mother first. I think about that first, I have to.
I do mourn my single life. I do wish that I had two lives to give. I do wish that I could just throw my arms up and fly into whatever career suited my fancy. But I always have to sit down and count the cost, figure in the risk, and then decide what is best for my whole family.
I can no longer be selfish with my time {all of it}, I can no longer choose what suits my fancy with my life, I can no longer quit a job just because I don't like it, I can also not just take a job because it would make me feel like I had acquired a trophy. I have to think long term, responsible, stable. Those are all boring words. But so is the word foundation. However, if you try to build without one you will find yourself in a pile of rubble buried in your failed hopes, dreams, ambitions, work, money, time, sweat, and tears.
You do what you have to do in life to move in the right direction. I can't help but imagine this giant game board, Life, if you will. You try to do what you think is the best, with the knowledge you have, at the moment you have it.
But don't mistake when I tell you, either way it isn't easy. Either way I go, I'm still sacrificing something. Either way I go, I'm still getting criticized or pressured to be or do something differently. Either way I go, I'm still worrying that I'm doing the wrong thing. Hoping, praying, believing that all my knowledge, praying, and experience is not leading me into temptation but delivering me from something.
I have to build this foundation right, solid, strong.
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