An Out
I've been dealing with a lot lately. Many questions cluttering my mind, it's starting to feel like a dirty fish tank. So many unresolved, boxes unchecked; my mind is wallpapered with post it's reminding me of where I want to be. What is more important to me? I keep asking myself.
How do I make a decision?
I'm troubled. I'm weighed down and frankly, overwhelmed.
I know the mother I was three years ago before I started working full time and I liked that person. I was patient and kind, I had time to laugh and shoot the breeze. I had time, made time, to play and teach. I wasn't mean, impatient, tired, lonely, frustrated, busy, like I am now. I'm preoccupied.
If everything is so important, doesn't that mean that nothing is?
I don't like this mother. I don't like this person. I don't like this version of me. Probably why years in the passed I was overcome by depression. I am great at working, I'm a hard diligent worker. But I think I'm working for the wrong goal. I'm killing myself for money and money never pays me back.
My children are growing. They're missing me and I'm missing out on giving them the best possible start they could have, by being absent. Absent minded, absent spirit, absent love. I have nothing of quality to offer them. I'm taken up. I feel like an empty well, dried up and weary of giving.
I don't even have the desire to make connections outside of what I have to. I feel so wrung out.
Probably out of guilt. Guilty souls seemed to be cursed by the feeling of being sucked dry. I feel so guilty. Guilty because I am in a vicious circle and I am doing it to myself. I'm pushing myself into a corner where all I'll want to do is sleep.
I am depressed. Things are slipping through the cracks and it's not just little details, it's all the details that matter.
I feel so overwhelmed that on my days off from work I literally just want to lie in bed and not hear a word from anyone. I want silence. I want to drown out all the things that need me. Everything needs me. It's exhausting to be needed so completely. There's no single space of just emptiness.
And so I'm giving myself an ultimatum. I'm going to have to give myself an out because I'm useless to myself and my family and those I hold dear like this.
We all suffer one way or another, but I would rather suffer the pains I did before and be happy. Then suffer the pains I have now and lose my desire to be apart of life.
How do I make a decision?
I'm troubled. I'm weighed down and frankly, overwhelmed.
I know the mother I was three years ago before I started working full time and I liked that person. I was patient and kind, I had time to laugh and shoot the breeze. I had time, made time, to play and teach. I wasn't mean, impatient, tired, lonely, frustrated, busy, like I am now. I'm preoccupied.
If everything is so important, doesn't that mean that nothing is?
I don't like this mother. I don't like this person. I don't like this version of me. Probably why years in the passed I was overcome by depression. I am great at working, I'm a hard diligent worker. But I think I'm working for the wrong goal. I'm killing myself for money and money never pays me back.
My children are growing. They're missing me and I'm missing out on giving them the best possible start they could have, by being absent. Absent minded, absent spirit, absent love. I have nothing of quality to offer them. I'm taken up. I feel like an empty well, dried up and weary of giving.
I don't even have the desire to make connections outside of what I have to. I feel so wrung out.
Probably out of guilt. Guilty souls seemed to be cursed by the feeling of being sucked dry. I feel so guilty. Guilty because I am in a vicious circle and I am doing it to myself. I'm pushing myself into a corner where all I'll want to do is sleep.
I am depressed. Things are slipping through the cracks and it's not just little details, it's all the details that matter.
I feel so overwhelmed that on my days off from work I literally just want to lie in bed and not hear a word from anyone. I want silence. I want to drown out all the things that need me. Everything needs me. It's exhausting to be needed so completely. There's no single space of just emptiness.
And so I'm giving myself an ultimatum. I'm going to have to give myself an out because I'm useless to myself and my family and those I hold dear like this.
We all suffer one way or another, but I would rather suffer the pains I did before and be happy. Then suffer the pains I have now and lose my desire to be apart of life.
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