Black & White
"Everybody loves you when you're easyEverybody hates when you're a boreEveryone is waiting for your entranceSo don't disappoint them" - Black & White, Sarah McLachlan
It's hard when you feel like this. Like because of who you are you get to be not-so popular. Because of you're not so shiny exterior many people avoid you. But I'm deeper. It isn't that I feel negative all the time, but I do think of things all the time. I try to think deeper than just the exterior of something. I may not seem bright and incandescent, but I am. I just choose to write about things that bother me, deep issues that I don't know how to resolve exactly but think about a lot.
Don't you ever have an issue that you feel the need to get out into the open? You feel the need to express to the world and see what comes back to you? Are there others like me? Are there more people who feel this dysfunction? This decapitation of the family you grew up in.
I grew up in church. I was a deacon's daughter. I was a worship leader's daughter. My father was a leader, is a leader, he's just not the leader that tells you what you want to hear. He isn't the blind leading the blind repeating like a parrot exactly what they want you to say. They want you to say that the church is great. They want you to say that Christians are trustworthy, they're pure, they're set apart, they're God's people. But inside I feel like nice people go to hell, too. What sets us apart from nice people?
I've met nicer people that aren't Christians. That's sad all in itself. I've met more trustworthy people that aren't Christians. I've met more honest people that aren't Christians. Sometimes honesty hurts, but there is a safety knowing somebody will be honest with you even when it doesn't feel good to hear {without attacking you or beating you with a bible}.
Not everything I think about is church related, but I did recently attend a church and so all of these issues just puddled up towards the surface all over again.
I don't know how to look them in the face and be myself. Because who I am threatens who they are, their way of life. Who I am believes that God talks to me, He doesn't have to go through a Pastor to speak to me...because the curtain was ripped for me. I'm not illiterate, and the bible has been translated into languages that I can read. I don't have to rely on you to tell me what God is saying to me. I don't have to take your word on any of it, because I have it right here.
Yes, sometimes you have insights. I'm open to insights. But it's been a long time since I've gone into a church and heard a word that wasn't regurgitated. It's like constantly wading through word vomit, after 29 years of listening to sermons it begins to feel like you've heard it all before. You know the right answers to the questions. I feel unchallenged.
Not just in a spiritual sense.
I don't like to disappoint people, but I am a disappointment to many. I'm not the shiny exterior many people probably wish I could be so I could fit in with their perfect cliche group of people who never have problems and if they do they never talk about them. I don't believe in hushing life, or sweeping problems under the rug.
There are those out there trying to fit into that mold. The mold where you never tell anyone you're having problems because you can't disappoint this image people have of you, you have everything together. They're in churches, too. And many, far too many, marriages crumble and families fall apart because people have issues they're not allowed to talk about. They're not allowed to say their husbands beat them, or their wives have cheated on them, or their children do drugs. They're not allowed to talk about their same-sex feelings, or bankruptcy, or the fact that they have no food in their refrigerator.
When are we going to stop seeing everything as levels of sin and realize my sin is your sin. My struggle is your struggle. I'm rude and hateful sometimes and you're a liar. It makes neither of us better or worse than the other. Our sin is sin.
Sin is black and white. We are all dirty. We are all a disappointment. We are all fallible and flesh and blood. We should be open about our faults so that others can come to us and be open about theirs, not so we can gossip about them...but so we can carry their burdens with them.
Is there no confidence anymore? Because I feel like there isn't. It's so messy.
I'll admit it, I'm a mess. But I think somewhere out there me talking about my mess makes people feel comfortable with their mess and maybe it makes their life a little easier. Maybe I can encourage people that messes sometimes clean themselves up, you don't have to kill yourself to fix everything all the time.
Everybody likes it when you're easy. When you're a simple person. When you are perfect and they don't have to hear about your problems. When you're a joy to be around. It's easy to love someone who is pleasant. But who is busy loving those that aren't?
It's hard when you feel like this. Like because of who you are you get to be not-so popular. Because of you're not so shiny exterior many people avoid you. But I'm deeper. It isn't that I feel negative all the time, but I do think of things all the time. I try to think deeper than just the exterior of something. I may not seem bright and incandescent, but I am. I just choose to write about things that bother me, deep issues that I don't know how to resolve exactly but think about a lot.
Don't you ever have an issue that you feel the need to get out into the open? You feel the need to express to the world and see what comes back to you? Are there others like me? Are there more people who feel this dysfunction? This decapitation of the family you grew up in.
I grew up in church. I was a deacon's daughter. I was a worship leader's daughter. My father was a leader, is a leader, he's just not the leader that tells you what you want to hear. He isn't the blind leading the blind repeating like a parrot exactly what they want you to say. They want you to say that the church is great. They want you to say that Christians are trustworthy, they're pure, they're set apart, they're God's people. But inside I feel like nice people go to hell, too. What sets us apart from nice people?
I've met nicer people that aren't Christians. That's sad all in itself. I've met more trustworthy people that aren't Christians. I've met more honest people that aren't Christians. Sometimes honesty hurts, but there is a safety knowing somebody will be honest with you even when it doesn't feel good to hear {without attacking you or beating you with a bible}.
Not everything I think about is church related, but I did recently attend a church and so all of these issues just puddled up towards the surface all over again.
I don't know how to look them in the face and be myself. Because who I am threatens who they are, their way of life. Who I am believes that God talks to me, He doesn't have to go through a Pastor to speak to me...because the curtain was ripped for me. I'm not illiterate, and the bible has been translated into languages that I can read. I don't have to rely on you to tell me what God is saying to me. I don't have to take your word on any of it, because I have it right here.
Yes, sometimes you have insights. I'm open to insights. But it's been a long time since I've gone into a church and heard a word that wasn't regurgitated. It's like constantly wading through word vomit, after 29 years of listening to sermons it begins to feel like you've heard it all before. You know the right answers to the questions. I feel unchallenged.
Not just in a spiritual sense.
I don't like to disappoint people, but I am a disappointment to many. I'm not the shiny exterior many people probably wish I could be so I could fit in with their perfect cliche group of people who never have problems and if they do they never talk about them. I don't believe in hushing life, or sweeping problems under the rug.
There are those out there trying to fit into that mold. The mold where you never tell anyone you're having problems because you can't disappoint this image people have of you, you have everything together. They're in churches, too. And many, far too many, marriages crumble and families fall apart because people have issues they're not allowed to talk about. They're not allowed to say their husbands beat them, or their wives have cheated on them, or their children do drugs. They're not allowed to talk about their same-sex feelings, or bankruptcy, or the fact that they have no food in their refrigerator.
When are we going to stop seeing everything as levels of sin and realize my sin is your sin. My struggle is your struggle. I'm rude and hateful sometimes and you're a liar. It makes neither of us better or worse than the other. Our sin is sin.
Sin is black and white. We are all dirty. We are all a disappointment. We are all fallible and flesh and blood. We should be open about our faults so that others can come to us and be open about theirs, not so we can gossip about them...but so we can carry their burdens with them.
Is there no confidence anymore? Because I feel like there isn't. It's so messy.
I'll admit it, I'm a mess. But I think somewhere out there me talking about my mess makes people feel comfortable with their mess and maybe it makes their life a little easier. Maybe I can encourage people that messes sometimes clean themselves up, you don't have to kill yourself to fix everything all the time.
Everybody likes it when you're easy. When you're a simple person. When you are perfect and they don't have to hear about your problems. When you're a joy to be around. It's easy to love someone who is pleasant. But who is busy loving those that aren't?
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