The Long Haul

Almost 2 years ago I made a decision; this decision impacted my whole families life. I made a decision to work full time to help pay off our debt quicker so that we could buy a house. So, I went against what I wanted, {needed}, to support my husband in what he thought was the only way to do it. I will admit that we have come great strides in the 5 years we've been married. And me working has afforded us a better life. Better? or just different? I can't decide. Because when I was staying home with my son and only working part-time I was happier than I've ever been in my life. I was fulfilled, I was productive, I didn't cry or feel sad at all. This was a huge change from my early adulthood where I wanted to die and cried all the time and fell into a pretty bad depression. Fast forward almost 5 years after having my son and I'm sitting in my own home, cooking in my own kitchen. We've paid all but one credit card off and feel a huge release of anxiety over owing someone money. We're independent. We're strong. And yet I feel like I've been robbed. I can't help but feel like for all this beauty I'm surrounded by in these walls of my own home that I fought so hard to earn, I've missed countless hours with my children. Wonderful hours in rain and in sunshine, of bubble blowing, gardening, bug catching, homeschooling, baths, naps, everything. I'm here, but I'm still missing so much. 40 hours a week comes out to 2,240 hours a year, so essentially in the last 2 years I have {just for work purposes} been away from my children almost 5,000 hours {23% of the hours of my week and 24% of the hours of my year is spent at work}. 5 days a week is 76% of the days of my year. By the time my son is 18 and graduates high school and is leaving my household {possibly} I will have missed 33,600 hours of his life which comes out to 3.64 years of his life. For money? Can I really sit here and ask myself to lose almost 4 years of my child's life because I'm in a rush to pay back a debt to a creditor? This is what I've been thinking about lately. I miss my kids. Now. If your career is your life, if that is how you define yourself and what you plan on doing with yourself, then that's great! You're investing in something that you believe in. In yourself. My career is not my life. My job is not how I define myself and in the end my kids won't care that I worked at a clothing store and that I did good customer service. They're just going to know that their Mom was absent, a lot. Lots of mothers do this, I'm aware. But do lots of mothers do it and regret it? Because if you're regretting it, it isn't the right decision. I made a promise. I promised to get my husband through college and into a job before I could stay at home. I promised we'd be out of debt and financially able for me to be with my children. But I'm looking into the future and I'm seeing that my daughter is going to be 6 {ish} and my son? He will be 9 and most of his childhood will be gone by the time that comes to fruition. And this long haul I'm trudging, I don't know if I can make it.