Forced Feelings

I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy recently after discovering that I somehow do like drama a little bit. It has literally been years since I've cried this much on a consistent basis. I'm wondering if it's good for my eyeballs to be this soggy. Last week I felt like I was drowning in depression and then I realized it was because I hadn't been getting any sleep, I'd laugh but it's not very funny. It almost gave me a panic attack to think I might be slipping into depression only to realize I get very very unhappy when I don't get enough sleep. Ok, maybe I will laugh about it. What I have discovered I love most about this show is it has forced me to feel. I haven't cried this much in years, I haven't felt so there, like life was real. You get caught up in work, sleep, eat, take care of babies, fight, it begins to feel like you're just reading a book. Like life is not just passing by you rapidly. Like you don't understand the preciousness of every second of everyday. It's done me good to watch people die. You're never promised a day in life, a moment, a second, nothing more than where you are now. You exist until you don't. It makes me sad to think about dying, but sometimes you need a kick in the butt. Sometimes you need to feel pain, deep, to know how deep you go. I want to be deep again. For my children, for myself. For everyone around me. So, I'm watching Grey's and I'm crying and feeling.