The Equal Share

Is there such a thing as the equal share? This myth has been known to me my entire life, but I have yet to see it in action. And even thinking about it puzzles me. Mostly because we humans seem to categorize everything we do personally as highly important so anything another person does is almost always less so. And you can always find a way to excuse why it was easier for them, when talking in particular about sacrifice.

Equality is such an unbalanced thing, which is why the only person who can truly be in charge of it is God. This is probably the reason why vengeance is His and not ours, because we cannot possibly fathom an equal response. It isn’t merely eye for an eye. That might appear to be true, but what if a blind person made you blind? Would it be equal to take his eyes even though he was already blind? Yes, I think about these things.

There’s no such thing as equality. Which is why God gave certain responsibilities to Men and Women because he made them differently and able to bear certain things better than others. We are specific to our purposes in life; don’t expect that what someone else is called to you could do just as well, even if you are “near perfection”. Perfect isn’t always right. And just because women can kill themselves doing everything a man can do doesn’t mean I want to spend a lifetime being a man just to spite the male sex. I’d like to do what I’m good at, even if that is extremely feminine like mothering.

However, in our own right, there is no way to measure importance of your role in life. It’s not about “what this sex is supposed to be doing” it’s merely about how well you will choose to execute your role in life. Will you do it with excellence? Will you do it with pureness of heart?

It’s hard to put together a list of things that one person does and the other person doesn’t and make things seem “fair”. Some days I really want nothing more than to fade into the background and not exist for a few hours. Not even as mommy.

You never truly feel the weight of your responsibility until it’s bearing down on you like a kid sitting on your bladder when you’ve really got to pee. You’re exhausted needing a nap from being woken up several times during the night by baby; you’ve worked all day long and your feet, brain, and back hurt; in my case, you’ve dealt with one too many obnoxiously rude customers who treat you as though you’re expendable; everyone bursts upon you at once when you get home with expectations for the rest of your time, Daddy wants a meal and to be left alone to play video games, Child wants Mommy to read to him, and baby wants to nurse and snuggle before bed routine. And all the while I want a hot shower, a clean face, quiet, a nice hot cup of chai, and a cool pillow to lay my head on and get some real sleep.

But you can’t. That’s being a mother. You put what would be extremely satisfying and sanity healing aside and think how much you missed those two little ones while you were away and how much they must have missed you. I wish every day for more patience, for more energy, for more creativity to do that job better and stop worrying about being equally balanced with everything. It’s not going to happen right now. Kids win every time.

Sure they're bossy, whiny, sometimes uncontrollably annoying and nagging, but they also love me deeper than any other anything ever has in my life with such unbridled enthusiasm. They are truly the ideal, I know why God wanted us to be like children, because unlike adults they actually believe in giving back to those they love without question. They don't hold on to petty prejudices or grudges.
 
And for that I am grateful things aren't equal. Because they never try to make it so. They give me back 1000% more than I ever could know how to give to them.