The Outlook
When I was in my early 20's, before I got married (and a little bit after marriage) I handled stress, disappointment, and hurt by crying. It's strange to me that overtime of being pushed, prodded, and beat up against the rocks by the tide your emotions can change so drastically. I don't cry anymore. I just get angry.
I think anger comes when you've passed the "we can fix it" stage and are in the "I'm done with it" stage. I'm so beyond just being able to excuse things away. I even used to put a smile on for show and tell when around people, especially anyone other than my family and close friends. Now I just don't want to deal with anyone else because I have nothing to say that wouldn't be seen right through.
I suppose to the outside world, being anyone not in the same spot as myself, it would appear like I'm just this type of person that gets angry alot. Well, I'm not. Or I didn't used to be.
I think it's an overcompensation for having to defend myself for years. I've had my hands up to shield myself for so long that now I just have fists at the end of them.
I, in general, do not feel like a nice person anymore. I just don't want to be around people. I want to be left alone to deal with life.
Naturally around my kids I'm completely different, good days and bad days like everyone else. But they are the only thing that makes me happy.
Everything else is a struggle.
Mostly I think to myself that my life is made up of one huge mistake that has shadowed my entire existence. Not the mistake, but the aftermath of it. Because of one thing, everything has gone wrong at one point or another. A wave of misery and I feel kind of poisoned.
And I'm sick of hearing my mother just shew everything away like I don't have a right to ever have feelings. And not having one sounding board that seriously knows what I'm going through and can honestly sit there and validate me. And tell me that I have a right to be angry. Because I do.
I just don't know how to get past that right.
I don't want the same things now that I wanted 5 years ago. 5 Years ago I wanted the perfect family with the perfect cars and house and children. Now I just want my own space. I want things for myself. I want to be left alone to enjoy things.
I want some semblance of something thats MINE. I feel like screaming into the sky sometimes is nothing sacred? Is there nothing that you won't steal from me? Or belittle? Is there no piece of me that I am allowed to feel good about or have? I have been cursed to 5 years of failure. I can't do anything at the quality that I'm used to because I am spread so thin that I have no choice but to fail in areas, some of them being very important ones.
I don't want to fail in the most important area, motherhood. But that one area is linked to many different others. So, sometimes when I want to just throw in the towel that is what makes me stick around.
My outlook has changed drastically. I'm glad I'm not an ignorant 22 year old anymore. I have learned alot through hardship. Mostly what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it. I believe in myself now more than ever.
I think anger comes when you've passed the "we can fix it" stage and are in the "I'm done with it" stage. I'm so beyond just being able to excuse things away. I even used to put a smile on for show and tell when around people, especially anyone other than my family and close friends. Now I just don't want to deal with anyone else because I have nothing to say that wouldn't be seen right through.
I suppose to the outside world, being anyone not in the same spot as myself, it would appear like I'm just this type of person that gets angry alot. Well, I'm not. Or I didn't used to be.
I think it's an overcompensation for having to defend myself for years. I've had my hands up to shield myself for so long that now I just have fists at the end of them.
I, in general, do not feel like a nice person anymore. I just don't want to be around people. I want to be left alone to deal with life.
Naturally around my kids I'm completely different, good days and bad days like everyone else. But they are the only thing that makes me happy.
Everything else is a struggle.
Mostly I think to myself that my life is made up of one huge mistake that has shadowed my entire existence. Not the mistake, but the aftermath of it. Because of one thing, everything has gone wrong at one point or another. A wave of misery and I feel kind of poisoned.
And I'm sick of hearing my mother just shew everything away like I don't have a right to ever have feelings. And not having one sounding board that seriously knows what I'm going through and can honestly sit there and validate me. And tell me that I have a right to be angry. Because I do.
I just don't know how to get past that right.
I don't want the same things now that I wanted 5 years ago. 5 Years ago I wanted the perfect family with the perfect cars and house and children. Now I just want my own space. I want things for myself. I want to be left alone to enjoy things.
I want some semblance of something thats MINE. I feel like screaming into the sky sometimes is nothing sacred? Is there nothing that you won't steal from me? Or belittle? Is there no piece of me that I am allowed to feel good about or have? I have been cursed to 5 years of failure. I can't do anything at the quality that I'm used to because I am spread so thin that I have no choice but to fail in areas, some of them being very important ones.
I don't want to fail in the most important area, motherhood. But that one area is linked to many different others. So, sometimes when I want to just throw in the towel that is what makes me stick around.
My outlook has changed drastically. I'm glad I'm not an ignorant 22 year old anymore. I have learned alot through hardship. Mostly what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it. I believe in myself now more than ever.
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