Happiness is a Choice
I have been pondering. We all knew this day would come.
All about happiness. What do we owe others? What is our responsibility to ourselves and others?
And more personally what do we owe family?
I guess it's a personal question to be answered dependent on your situation. There are always going to be members in a family that want more out of a relationship than others and because of that some people will always be a disappointment to you. It's sad saying that, but I've been thinking it lately so I might as well finish my thought.
I have always been close to home (home being my center, my family base, a whole unit). I love "group" activities. If I were a fish I would be one that would die if left in a bowl alone. I do not like doing things alone. Everything is more enjoyable to me if it is done "together" (Yes, this all depends on the company). So, adulthood came as a shock when every member of my family moved away and I was moved away from the only friends I'd had for over 10 years. I was left with two bickering parents who couldn't even stand their own company. I had a sister in WA state w/ nieces and nephews as well as my brother and sister in Boston and niece and nephew. Stuck in a wilderness of unfamiliar people, places and things and homeschooled without even the opportunity to make close friends again.
So, needless to say I grew up (having moved here at 16, a very impressionable age in the midst of discovering adulthood) alone. My sibbings knew me as a child. They never really had a relationship with me as a child, I would say I was like a fish in a bowl for them. Every now and then they looked at the fish long enough to throw some food in the bowl. I imagined a relationship. I envied people with close sibblings because I too wanted that feeling, that security of having people that knew you that well. None of them knew me. And if they had knew me, they didn't know me anymore and seemingly had no desire to.
I know that life is busy, especially when you have children and are married and with jobs and everything else. I get that now more than ever. But for me,I felt abandoned. I dreamed about belonging to this family that didn't exist. I always thought that my family was so awesome and it was so way better than everyone elses! (Doesn't everyone?) Only to become an adult and realize I barely ever heard from anyone, much less got even a birthday card and only one of my sibblings made any effort to have a relationship with me at all even now.
This is not a mope session, just kind of something I've really thought about in the last couple of days... why it matters to me so much... why I'm feeling so hurt... and now, why I'm even shocked things haven't changed.
I'm 28 and can honestly say there is no one in my family that I am close to except my mom. And it makes me sad. I think my whole life I've been grieving over relationships because they didn't exist. I wanted to be loved by my brother, I wanted a brother . The kind you see in movies, you know he talks to you and knows stuff about you and is involved in your life. I wanted an older sister to hang out with and to teach me what she learned the hard way in life, to be a role model to me. I wanted my sibblings to be interested in me. To be proud of me. To even appear as if I mattered. As if I was.
I guess I have to blame it on my parents. You laugh, but I'm serious. I was a late in life baby. By the time I was born my brother was 12, my sister was 10 and my other sister was 2. But that sister was still more interested in the older ones than with me. I was like Johnny come lately to the family.
And when I was 7 my brother had his first kid. My nephew turned out to be more of my brother than my brother (atleast I have God to thank for a taste of that relationship until he too was moved away from me). I always joked that my brother was like a distant uncle because that's how little he was in my life, how little I knew of him and him of me. I was more of an annoyance to him. And yet he never stopped being important to me. I think I missed him more than anyone when everyone dispersed in life. I'm not quite sure why, I guess it's because I always thought someday I would have the opportunity.
And my sister, well, I have even less memories of her. I have about 3 vivid memories of her. 1. of her speeding taking me to the Pischura's house in hawaii 2. Of her making out with her boyfriend on our futon in hawaii and locking us in our bedroom 3. of her being married to a jerk who in no certain terms hated my guts and treated me like crap (which she let him get away with on a regular basis, even thought it was funny on occassion).
I always tried to be involved in her family life, but it was rather difficult when she married a guy who couldn't stand me and was mean to me at every opportunity. I even came over on a regular basis to help her clean her house and watch her kids. I flew across the ocean to visit her and her family in washington 3 times with my own hard earned money and usually ended up being a glorified babysitter. Occasionally being brought to tears by her husband. The last time I went to visit her I said I wouldn't go anymore because apparently even flying halfway across the country to see someone you still don't merit quality time with your sister without her boyfriend and his snotty kids.
The point is... I'm tired of feeling disappointed! I'm tired of remembering people for something they never were. It was just glorified make believe. I never had it, so how can I miss it?
I still find myself waiting around for people to change and I suppose that is a very unfair way to live when I know for certain they won't. They are who they are, there isn't anymore in them.
And I am sure I have been a great disappointment to a great many people. But this is about me, remember?
Happiness is a choice. I'm not going to wait around for people to want to spend time with me just because I'm their sister, their flesh and blood, I happen to be in their family. It doesn't count for as much as you'd think. I am choosing to move on with my life and dedicate my free time to choosing to be happy and actively ignoring the obstacles that would prevent that from happening.
Cheers!
All about happiness. What do we owe others? What is our responsibility to ourselves and others?
And more personally what do we owe family?
I guess it's a personal question to be answered dependent on your situation. There are always going to be members in a family that want more out of a relationship than others and because of that some people will always be a disappointment to you. It's sad saying that, but I've been thinking it lately so I might as well finish my thought.
I have always been close to home (home being my center, my family base, a whole unit). I love "group" activities. If I were a fish I would be one that would die if left in a bowl alone. I do not like doing things alone. Everything is more enjoyable to me if it is done "together" (Yes, this all depends on the company). So, adulthood came as a shock when every member of my family moved away and I was moved away from the only friends I'd had for over 10 years. I was left with two bickering parents who couldn't even stand their own company. I had a sister in WA state w/ nieces and nephews as well as my brother and sister in Boston and niece and nephew. Stuck in a wilderness of unfamiliar people, places and things and homeschooled without even the opportunity to make close friends again.
So, needless to say I grew up (having moved here at 16, a very impressionable age in the midst of discovering adulthood) alone. My sibbings knew me as a child. They never really had a relationship with me as a child, I would say I was like a fish in a bowl for them. Every now and then they looked at the fish long enough to throw some food in the bowl. I imagined a relationship. I envied people with close sibblings because I too wanted that feeling, that security of having people that knew you that well. None of them knew me. And if they had knew me, they didn't know me anymore and seemingly had no desire to.
I know that life is busy, especially when you have children and are married and with jobs and everything else. I get that now more than ever. But for me,I felt abandoned. I dreamed about belonging to this family that didn't exist. I always thought that my family was so awesome and it was so way better than everyone elses! (Doesn't everyone?) Only to become an adult and realize I barely ever heard from anyone, much less got even a birthday card and only one of my sibblings made any effort to have a relationship with me at all even now.
This is not a mope session, just kind of something I've really thought about in the last couple of days... why it matters to me so much... why I'm feeling so hurt... and now, why I'm even shocked things haven't changed.
I'm 28 and can honestly say there is no one in my family that I am close to except my mom. And it makes me sad. I think my whole life I've been grieving over relationships because they didn't exist. I wanted to be loved by my brother, I wanted a brother . The kind you see in movies, you know he talks to you and knows stuff about you and is involved in your life. I wanted an older sister to hang out with and to teach me what she learned the hard way in life, to be a role model to me. I wanted my sibblings to be interested in me. To be proud of me. To even appear as if I mattered. As if I was.
I guess I have to blame it on my parents. You laugh, but I'm serious. I was a late in life baby. By the time I was born my brother was 12, my sister was 10 and my other sister was 2. But that sister was still more interested in the older ones than with me. I was like Johnny come lately to the family.
And when I was 7 my brother had his first kid. My nephew turned out to be more of my brother than my brother (atleast I have God to thank for a taste of that relationship until he too was moved away from me). I always joked that my brother was like a distant uncle because that's how little he was in my life, how little I knew of him and him of me. I was more of an annoyance to him. And yet he never stopped being important to me. I think I missed him more than anyone when everyone dispersed in life. I'm not quite sure why, I guess it's because I always thought someday I would have the opportunity.
And my sister, well, I have even less memories of her. I have about 3 vivid memories of her. 1. of her speeding taking me to the Pischura's house in hawaii 2. Of her making out with her boyfriend on our futon in hawaii and locking us in our bedroom 3. of her being married to a jerk who in no certain terms hated my guts and treated me like crap (which she let him get away with on a regular basis, even thought it was funny on occassion).
I always tried to be involved in her family life, but it was rather difficult when she married a guy who couldn't stand me and was mean to me at every opportunity. I even came over on a regular basis to help her clean her house and watch her kids. I flew across the ocean to visit her and her family in washington 3 times with my own hard earned money and usually ended up being a glorified babysitter. Occasionally being brought to tears by her husband. The last time I went to visit her I said I wouldn't go anymore because apparently even flying halfway across the country to see someone you still don't merit quality time with your sister without her boyfriend and his snotty kids.
The point is... I'm tired of feeling disappointed! I'm tired of remembering people for something they never were. It was just glorified make believe. I never had it, so how can I miss it?
I still find myself waiting around for people to change and I suppose that is a very unfair way to live when I know for certain they won't. They are who they are, there isn't anymore in them.
And I am sure I have been a great disappointment to a great many people. But this is about me, remember?
Happiness is a choice. I'm not going to wait around for people to want to spend time with me just because I'm their sister, their flesh and blood, I happen to be in their family. It doesn't count for as much as you'd think. I am choosing to move on with my life and dedicate my free time to choosing to be happy and actively ignoring the obstacles that would prevent that from happening.
Cheers!
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