Old Music
I've been listening (after finding) to old cd's of mine, old recordings of my music...brings back memories. Mostly good. It also reminds me alot of the person I was when I was younger. You can tell the difference in my voice when I was happy and where I was supposed to be, or atleast, from the voice of when I was unhappy and very troubled. One is much clearer and crisper, obviously the one where I was healthy.
It makes me have a tinge of regret for the fact that I didn't pursue music more than I have in my life, it was kind of a hobby for me. And when I did take it minorly serious I ended up with a lap full of problems. Maybe it was meant to end that way, it certainly was a lesson on who to trust. But I tend to think that sometimes when you are close to acheiving things, life tends to send a hurricane. I kind of just let the winds take me down, I guess I didn't know I had a choice. And sometimes in life you're so overwhelmed you forget you have a choice, a voice, you forget that you have a right to succeed.
I'm not sure what I would have done differently. Probably moved to Nashville and found people that were less interested in your social life and more interested in your talent. Small towns are so interested in what the other person is doing and breaking their back to make themselves feel better. And after living in them a while you kind of start to become it.
That's the thing about expectations I guess, as well. You hear something long enough you kind of become those words. Even if it was a lie to begin with.
I can't help wondering what my life had been had I felt more sure about myself, had I had the confidence to believe in my talent. I have perserverence, I have diligence and I am a very hard worker. What I lack was confidence that what I had was something other people couldn't contribute. What I had was special.
It's kind of the message I tried to portray to other people through my music, that every person is unique and you may not feel like it but you mean the world to the world, they may not know it either. But there is a void that only you can fill out there.
I regret having been overtaken by what others thought I was and allowed myself to forfeit who I was for that image of myself. I denied myself the joy of knowing I did what I was called to do by God and knowing I did it well. Sometimes you try and you fail though.
I have to be honest with myself. I was thinking to myself the other day and couldn't believe when I realized it's been almost 5 years since I've read the bible at all. I've been so angry with God (although I'm not sure why, I guess because he "allowed" that crap to happen to me) that I have ignored him for 5 years. Persistently ignored him. Gone out of my way to make sure I don't hear from him.
I've even ignored myself. Angry with myself that I let them get the best of me. I trashed myself because that's what I felt like. I felt like I had tarnished myself beyond repair, I was unrecognizeable to myself and therefore a lost cause. I've put my dreams in a box and hid it where I wouldn't think about it. Barely touching a piano and limiting how much I even think about music.
It makes me sad to know how thorough I've been at punishing myself.
It makes me have a tinge of regret for the fact that I didn't pursue music more than I have in my life, it was kind of a hobby for me. And when I did take it minorly serious I ended up with a lap full of problems. Maybe it was meant to end that way, it certainly was a lesson on who to trust. But I tend to think that sometimes when you are close to acheiving things, life tends to send a hurricane. I kind of just let the winds take me down, I guess I didn't know I had a choice. And sometimes in life you're so overwhelmed you forget you have a choice, a voice, you forget that you have a right to succeed.
I'm not sure what I would have done differently. Probably moved to Nashville and found people that were less interested in your social life and more interested in your talent. Small towns are so interested in what the other person is doing and breaking their back to make themselves feel better. And after living in them a while you kind of start to become it.
That's the thing about expectations I guess, as well. You hear something long enough you kind of become those words. Even if it was a lie to begin with.
I can't help wondering what my life had been had I felt more sure about myself, had I had the confidence to believe in my talent. I have perserverence, I have diligence and I am a very hard worker. What I lack was confidence that what I had was something other people couldn't contribute. What I had was special.
It's kind of the message I tried to portray to other people through my music, that every person is unique and you may not feel like it but you mean the world to the world, they may not know it either. But there is a void that only you can fill out there.
I regret having been overtaken by what others thought I was and allowed myself to forfeit who I was for that image of myself. I denied myself the joy of knowing I did what I was called to do by God and knowing I did it well. Sometimes you try and you fail though.
I have to be honest with myself. I was thinking to myself the other day and couldn't believe when I realized it's been almost 5 years since I've read the bible at all. I've been so angry with God (although I'm not sure why, I guess because he "allowed" that crap to happen to me) that I have ignored him for 5 years. Persistently ignored him. Gone out of my way to make sure I don't hear from him.
I've even ignored myself. Angry with myself that I let them get the best of me. I trashed myself because that's what I felt like. I felt like I had tarnished myself beyond repair, I was unrecognizeable to myself and therefore a lost cause. I've put my dreams in a box and hid it where I wouldn't think about it. Barely touching a piano and limiting how much I even think about music.
It makes me sad to know how thorough I've been at punishing myself.
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