No Fun
What do you do when you can't remember the last time you had fun with someone? When the word love seems very far fetched when half the time you can't even use the word like in a sentence.
What do you do when it feels like you have moved on, but you haven't moved anywhere and you're really just stuck in a place that you don't want to be...but no choice seems like a good one?
I feel like certain areas of my life are (...) Literally.
I ask a question and all I have to reply to myself is "..."
Because I am not all knowing and sometimes I don't know what the right answer or pathway is. I realize in life, at this point of 27, that sometimes no move seems like a good one.
I want things in life. So, I sacrifice. I have no problem sacrificing some things. Like fancy clothing, or the latest fashionable hair styles etc, or even a beautiful house with all it's accessories (for now). Some things I absolutely do mind sacrificing and I have to ask myself how long I can allow myself to do without them. I already resent having to give them up, because the reasoning behind it isn't logical, it's needless and sometimes it feels mean. Like I am being denied happiness as a punishment.
I'm forced to remain fat because:
1. I don't have free time to buy and plan healthy meals just for myself because my husband refuses to eat vegetables, fruits, mainly anything healthy and many things that I love to eat and do enjoy (which is why I wasn't fat before I got married) because on a tight budget you buy what everyone will eat, not just one. So I've basically given up my health, body, and happiness in my meals.
2. I don't have free time to work out at a gym. I have child care long enough to work most days and then its me in charge of babies, and I love them. But I want to work out.
3. Many say I can lose weight at home, but I know how I remain driven to make that effort and it's at a gym when I don't have distractions or better things to do with my time like play with kids or clean.
The irony is because I am stuck on this crappy diet and lack of exercise I've also had alot of health problems like gallbladder attacks, stones and a type of liver disease. But it seems like none of this is important enough for some to allow me (by helping me out) to make myself a priority for this small request. Even when it comes down to in pregnancy I run a high risk of still birth because of my type of liver disease...
When is enough, enough? When is it ok to say Hey, why don't I matter to you? I mean, I have multiple times but some people will never admit how selfish they are. Maybe never.
I should matter. If love was the correct word, I would matter. Or, I would feel as though I mattered. Not just the thought of me, but really who I was and am and want to be. A person. An individual. It has been that case in pretty much all of my relationships though, for some reason it's always about the other person and when it comes down to it I really am unknown and I have to wonder that anyone really ever cared enough to pin me down and figure me out.
What do you do when it feels like you have moved on, but you haven't moved anywhere and you're really just stuck in a place that you don't want to be...but no choice seems like a good one?
I feel like certain areas of my life are (...) Literally.
I ask a question and all I have to reply to myself is "..."
Because I am not all knowing and sometimes I don't know what the right answer or pathway is. I realize in life, at this point of 27, that sometimes no move seems like a good one.
I want things in life. So, I sacrifice. I have no problem sacrificing some things. Like fancy clothing, or the latest fashionable hair styles etc, or even a beautiful house with all it's accessories (for now). Some things I absolutely do mind sacrificing and I have to ask myself how long I can allow myself to do without them. I already resent having to give them up, because the reasoning behind it isn't logical, it's needless and sometimes it feels mean. Like I am being denied happiness as a punishment.
I'm forced to remain fat because:
1. I don't have free time to buy and plan healthy meals just for myself because my husband refuses to eat vegetables, fruits, mainly anything healthy and many things that I love to eat and do enjoy (which is why I wasn't fat before I got married) because on a tight budget you buy what everyone will eat, not just one. So I've basically given up my health, body, and happiness in my meals.
2. I don't have free time to work out at a gym. I have child care long enough to work most days and then its me in charge of babies, and I love them. But I want to work out.
3. Many say I can lose weight at home, but I know how I remain driven to make that effort and it's at a gym when I don't have distractions or better things to do with my time like play with kids or clean.
The irony is because I am stuck on this crappy diet and lack of exercise I've also had alot of health problems like gallbladder attacks, stones and a type of liver disease. But it seems like none of this is important enough for some to allow me (by helping me out) to make myself a priority for this small request. Even when it comes down to in pregnancy I run a high risk of still birth because of my type of liver disease...
When is enough, enough? When is it ok to say Hey, why don't I matter to you? I mean, I have multiple times but some people will never admit how selfish they are. Maybe never.
I should matter. If love was the correct word, I would matter. Or, I would feel as though I mattered. Not just the thought of me, but really who I was and am and want to be. A person. An individual. It has been that case in pretty much all of my relationships though, for some reason it's always about the other person and when it comes down to it I really am unknown and I have to wonder that anyone really ever cared enough to pin me down and figure me out.
