Hormones, Exhaustion, and a Dirty House
Combine the three and you end up with one very unhappy pregnant woman on a rampage. I could literally start a bonfire at this moment and I would not regret it in the least afterwards. There are just days when it feels like you've been buried in an avalanche of dirty, dirty, snow and to make matters worse it sits there and mocks you while it makes your life impossible.
If life could do any favors for me I would simply pick, please save those lovely little treasures you call "tests" and spread them out through-out my lifetime, DO NOT CLUSTER! It's a simple request, but would make my life a heck of alot smoother and so much less chaotic. You think you have a hold on things, you make a plan, you organize your efforts, you write your goal list, tape it up, bold marker it and try your darn tootinest to uphold it and for some reason.... life still makes up it's own pathway to shove you on.
It truly at this point is becoming more than a little annoying.
I have good intentions and as my motto goes, "I give myself very good advice, but very seldom follow it". Only, I try to follow it, sometimes it just doesn't seem possible to. Mostly because in life there are more than one moving part effecting your outcomes, all these little pieces that you're trying to get alligned to work in your favor. Only I seem doomed to failure.
Somedays I need encouragement. But those days when I actually get it are so few and far between. Everyone has their requirements of me, their visions of who they think I should be (act, believe, etc), The list of things I need to do for people is ever growing. They may not see it as such, but I see it. I get tired of being a "thing" to people. I am a person, a flesh and blood person that has dreams and wants and desires and feelings, though I rarely get treated as such. I feel very robotic sometimes. Get up, go to work, try to do the best I can at work, come home, clean up after everyone (make my rounds in every single room putting things away), make some kind of food, take care of people, then go to sleep and do it all again. Life, especially as of late, has definitely been lacking that depth that makes a person a person. I enjoy alot of the aspects of my life, but they are definitely not "who I am", although they have been impersonating me for a long time out of necessity. I don't get the luxury of being a person. I'm a wife, a mother, a cook and a cleaner, a problem solver, a financial advisor and accountant, a maid, etc, etc, etc.
I get tired of trying to be everything, because contrary to popular belief I can not do everything. And when I continue having to do everything, I fail. One person is not meant to carry the world on their shoulders, all the responsibility. And when I fail, I feel guilty. I feel embarrased and I hate having to be put in that position on a regular basis in life. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer thought of all the things that need to be done, need to be accomplished, need ME to do them because otherwise they won't get done. I am a perfectionist, but sometimes I would settle for 2nd best just so I can sit down and check something off my list.
How many lists can a person have in their life? I have lists of lists. Things I want to do. Things I want to be. Things I want to accomplish. Things I want. Things I want to check off of other lists this year, five year, ten years down the road. It's enough to give you a headache.
But I love lists. I would never remember everything if I didn't write it down.
Motherhood gave me alot. But I used to be more than what I am, or atleast I felt like more because I was somebody, not just somebody's wife and somebody's mother. I feel devoid of a self.
I need this, I need that. I know some people have a problem asking for help, that definitely isn't my problem.
My consolation is that one of these days my children will be their own set of hands and feet, only then I fear I will be the mother that defines the nickname absent minded professor.
So I fear hormones, exhaustion and a dirty house are a very dangerous combination; never take all three, especially on an empty stomach. Although I'm starting to wonder if they might be ok to mix with alcohol. (Just joking).
If life could do any favors for me I would simply pick, please save those lovely little treasures you call "tests" and spread them out through-out my lifetime, DO NOT CLUSTER! It's a simple request, but would make my life a heck of alot smoother and so much less chaotic. You think you have a hold on things, you make a plan, you organize your efforts, you write your goal list, tape it up, bold marker it and try your darn tootinest to uphold it and for some reason.... life still makes up it's own pathway to shove you on.
It truly at this point is becoming more than a little annoying.
I have good intentions and as my motto goes, "I give myself very good advice, but very seldom follow it". Only, I try to follow it, sometimes it just doesn't seem possible to. Mostly because in life there are more than one moving part effecting your outcomes, all these little pieces that you're trying to get alligned to work in your favor. Only I seem doomed to failure.
Somedays I need encouragement. But those days when I actually get it are so few and far between. Everyone has their requirements of me, their visions of who they think I should be (act, believe, etc), The list of things I need to do for people is ever growing. They may not see it as such, but I see it. I get tired of being a "thing" to people. I am a person, a flesh and blood person that has dreams and wants and desires and feelings, though I rarely get treated as such. I feel very robotic sometimes. Get up, go to work, try to do the best I can at work, come home, clean up after everyone (make my rounds in every single room putting things away), make some kind of food, take care of people, then go to sleep and do it all again. Life, especially as of late, has definitely been lacking that depth that makes a person a person. I enjoy alot of the aspects of my life, but they are definitely not "who I am", although they have been impersonating me for a long time out of necessity. I don't get the luxury of being a person. I'm a wife, a mother, a cook and a cleaner, a problem solver, a financial advisor and accountant, a maid, etc, etc, etc.
I get tired of trying to be everything, because contrary to popular belief I can not do everything. And when I continue having to do everything, I fail. One person is not meant to carry the world on their shoulders, all the responsibility. And when I fail, I feel guilty. I feel embarrased and I hate having to be put in that position on a regular basis in life. I'm overwhelmed by the sheer thought of all the things that need to be done, need to be accomplished, need ME to do them because otherwise they won't get done. I am a perfectionist, but sometimes I would settle for 2nd best just so I can sit down and check something off my list.
How many lists can a person have in their life? I have lists of lists. Things I want to do. Things I want to be. Things I want to accomplish. Things I want. Things I want to check off of other lists this year, five year, ten years down the road. It's enough to give you a headache.
But I love lists. I would never remember everything if I didn't write it down.
Motherhood gave me alot. But I used to be more than what I am, or atleast I felt like more because I was somebody, not just somebody's wife and somebody's mother. I feel devoid of a self.
I need this, I need that. I know some people have a problem asking for help, that definitely isn't my problem.
My consolation is that one of these days my children will be their own set of hands and feet, only then I fear I will be the mother that defines the nickname absent minded professor.
So I fear hormones, exhaustion and a dirty house are a very dangerous combination; never take all three, especially on an empty stomach. Although I'm starting to wonder if they might be ok to mix with alcohol. (Just joking).
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