Late night ponderings
It is incredibly hard to type with a baby lying limp on one arm.
I was just thinking to myself. Is who we are so much dependent on our upbringing? Or are we predisposed by our genes? Am I so different just because I was homeschooled, had really conservative christian parents, was sheltered as a child, etc? Or am I so different just because this is who God made me to be?
And that begs the question, who did God make me to be? I don't consider myself a bad person. I'm closed off, can be incredibly cynical of humans in general, Quiet, opinionated, and everything to do with me is complicated. I'm a really big frustrating puzzle. I try not to be and usually that just ends up in knots. Because I do not know how to simplify myself. Don't get me wrong, I love who I am, but others don't. And one of the predominant traits I forgot to list up there is, I'm a people pleaser. In the end it really matters to me what people think of me. I may act like I don't, but it does bother me if someone doesn't like me. Usually I want to know why and if there's anything I can do to change their mind. And it bothers me endlessly when relationships end abruptly and you never get that closure.
Maybe I'm so egotistical that I can't understand what about me is so dislikeable that I can't seem to hold onto good solid friendships. Or maybe it's because another trait of mine is, I'm die hard loyal. You can stab me a million times and chances are I'll still care about you. I don't understand not being able to get along with someone. I dislike plenty of people, but I still handled them well. I don't understand being so selfish that you walk away from somebody you claim is your friend without so much as a goodbye or an explanation. I know there are people like this everywhere in the world, but how come I get SO many of them in MY life? Are they attracted to me?????
When I end a friendship I atleast have the decentcy to tell a person the reason why it isn't working and why we have to part ways amiably, if at all possible. But to not hear a word.....is so rude and uncalled for. Or the excuses, I hate those. You bump into these people and they're like "Oh, we wanna hang out with you, call us" and because we're nice people we give them the benefit of a doubt and do and they never return your calls. Because they're bold lie to your face liars. I hate people like that. Be honest. Even if it seems rude, I would rather someone be honest then mean well and lie to me. It just makes me distrust people more.
So, who did God mean for me to be? Maybe I just don't see friendship the same way as others do? Maybe I don't see many things like others do... I'm not the most important person in the world, but I still think my purpose is my own. I'm someone no one else can be and I do things no one else can do. I don't think God creates people like drone ants. I think each one of us has a grand design dedicated to one rare and particular plan. I think God created us to need us and for us to need Him, a partnership, a friendship, an ownership. I don't think I fit anywhere, but I know I fit Him. I know why I always feel awkward everywhere I go, I feel misplaced, it's because I am.
I don't have many friends because I have high standards for my life (in certain areas more than others lol), I believe that if you're going to allow somebody access to your inner most feelings and emotions and you're going to bond with somebody they should be someone who has proven themself to you. And when tested they should shine like silver among the fools gold. I don't need perfection, I need character, I need honesty, I need a shoulder, A laugh, A hug, I need somebody that doesn't expect more of me than they do of themself.
Human? I'm not sure anymore. lol I've seen those qualities, but only in children.... So, maybe that's why I love being a Mom. I get to see that unadulterated pure love and trust, that unequaled unrivaled honesty. The love that is willing to do for you, even on your worst days. God bless all the babies, unexpected or otherwise. They are gifts. They are pouring rain in a drought.
I am so glad I had Ryley when I did. I didn't realize it at the time, but he saved me from years of having to wonder some more if the people I was surrounded by were as shallow and vapid and hypocritical as they really seemed. He gave me the gift of scandal, trial by fire and I'm sad to say no one passed that test....except family.
.....But still I'm wondering....Who did God make me to be?
I was just thinking to myself. Is who we are so much dependent on our upbringing? Or are we predisposed by our genes? Am I so different just because I was homeschooled, had really conservative christian parents, was sheltered as a child, etc? Or am I so different just because this is who God made me to be?
And that begs the question, who did God make me to be? I don't consider myself a bad person. I'm closed off, can be incredibly cynical of humans in general, Quiet, opinionated, and everything to do with me is complicated. I'm a really big frustrating puzzle. I try not to be and usually that just ends up in knots. Because I do not know how to simplify myself. Don't get me wrong, I love who I am, but others don't. And one of the predominant traits I forgot to list up there is, I'm a people pleaser. In the end it really matters to me what people think of me. I may act like I don't, but it does bother me if someone doesn't like me. Usually I want to know why and if there's anything I can do to change their mind. And it bothers me endlessly when relationships end abruptly and you never get that closure.
Maybe I'm so egotistical that I can't understand what about me is so dislikeable that I can't seem to hold onto good solid friendships. Or maybe it's because another trait of mine is, I'm die hard loyal. You can stab me a million times and chances are I'll still care about you. I don't understand not being able to get along with someone. I dislike plenty of people, but I still handled them well. I don't understand being so selfish that you walk away from somebody you claim is your friend without so much as a goodbye or an explanation. I know there are people like this everywhere in the world, but how come I get SO many of them in MY life? Are they attracted to me?????
When I end a friendship I atleast have the decentcy to tell a person the reason why it isn't working and why we have to part ways amiably, if at all possible. But to not hear a word.....is so rude and uncalled for. Or the excuses, I hate those. You bump into these people and they're like "Oh, we wanna hang out with you, call us" and because we're nice people we give them the benefit of a doubt and do and they never return your calls. Because they're bold lie to your face liars. I hate people like that. Be honest. Even if it seems rude, I would rather someone be honest then mean well and lie to me. It just makes me distrust people more.
So, who did God mean for me to be? Maybe I just don't see friendship the same way as others do? Maybe I don't see many things like others do... I'm not the most important person in the world, but I still think my purpose is my own. I'm someone no one else can be and I do things no one else can do. I don't think God creates people like drone ants. I think each one of us has a grand design dedicated to one rare and particular plan. I think God created us to need us and for us to need Him, a partnership, a friendship, an ownership. I don't think I fit anywhere, but I know I fit Him. I know why I always feel awkward everywhere I go, I feel misplaced, it's because I am.
I don't have many friends because I have high standards for my life (in certain areas more than others lol), I believe that if you're going to allow somebody access to your inner most feelings and emotions and you're going to bond with somebody they should be someone who has proven themself to you. And when tested they should shine like silver among the fools gold. I don't need perfection, I need character, I need honesty, I need a shoulder, A laugh, A hug, I need somebody that doesn't expect more of me than they do of themself.
Human? I'm not sure anymore. lol I've seen those qualities, but only in children.... So, maybe that's why I love being a Mom. I get to see that unadulterated pure love and trust, that unequaled unrivaled honesty. The love that is willing to do for you, even on your worst days. God bless all the babies, unexpected or otherwise. They are gifts. They are pouring rain in a drought.
I am so glad I had Ryley when I did. I didn't realize it at the time, but he saved me from years of having to wonder some more if the people I was surrounded by were as shallow and vapid and hypocritical as they really seemed. He gave me the gift of scandal, trial by fire and I'm sad to say no one passed that test....except family.
.....But still I'm wondering....Who did God make me to be?
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