Distracted. Once again.
It's occurred to me lately that I know alot of people. I know alot of people that seemingly have no problems. Do you know why it seems like they have no problems? Because they never talk about having any problems. I know that people think this is a way of making their problems private, and some problems should stay private, but all problems? I personally think this is a huge injustice to the people around them. I, for one, am tired of being surrounded by people who have no problems. Because 1. It's highly unlikely and completely inhuman to not have problems and 2. They live in this messed up world WITH me, so if they don't have problems then I have more problems then I'd ever imagined.
What is it about people that makes them keep everything to themselves? Is it this false security blanket that makes them feel safe if they don't speak about it? Or a pride issue? Some of my problems I probably wouldn't admit to, but alot of them I would and I have because I feel like it's my responsibility to let other people know that it's normal to have problems and if I have a struggle that they share if I've found any comfort or any way of solving it, I should be informing them of how I made it better or carried on. I'm tired of being surrounded by people who never have any problems because I feel abnormal. I feel like I'm just plain messed up. I feel like I'm screwing up in so many ways that are unfixable. Like I'm stupid, I mean, I must be if all these people get things to go their way all the time and yet here I sit swimming against the current, or swimming up hill like a trout trying to go home.
I want to be surrounded by people who own up to their mistakes, their trials and tribulations, their struggles, their real opinions and why they have them, their passions. I want real conversation, I want real friendship, I want real people. The amount of real people I know I could probably count on one hand (Not related to me). And it annoys me. People walk around with this fascad that is clearly visible to me. Be who you are, no apologies, or go away. Don't say things to make someone feel better when it isn't true, don't agree to things you don't agree with just to avoid conflict, and don't pretend to be somebody to make another person happy because you love them. It's just another way of being a liar.
You know. Distracted is probably the worst thing you can be in life. It's no way to live. Focus is so important and yet we rarely give it to the things that really count. I always think when I wake up, I'm going to spend the day with Ryley and spend time with him, but through out the day things rob me of that joy and him of the time with me. Like cleaning incessantly because for some reason I'm the only one that can put things back... or gardening because the plants are going to die if I don't... or laundry because my work clothes are dirty and in the bottom of the hamper... or steam cleaning or vacuuming because I've spotted more fleas (And nobody ELSE is going to do it)... or bills because I've forgotten again that bill needs to be paid today! I'm tired of life. I can't ever just focus on the things I want to and that are important because I get no help in the mundane tasks that pile up and seem never ending. They don't mean anything in the long run and yet in the long run I've lost years of my life just cleaning up after people. I hate it.
In more way than one.
For once, I want things to stay where I put them. People to be who they claim to be. Life to sit still for just long enough to feel like I've been a good mother in a single day. And for me to feel in love again because it's been far too long since I've felt that for anything but my son.
I've lost my love for so many things, journeys have given me alot of cynicism and it's just sadder than anything to me to sit here and have to be honest to myself in admitting that I am not the person I was...which would be ok if I was better, but I'm not, I'm worse. I used to have faith in people. Faith in God. Faith that good always prevails. Faith in myself. The last one is probably the biggest failure in my life.
So no, I will be clear in stating that it is not because "I'm miserable" that I want company. It's because I feel like I'm the only screw up that doesn't quite know how to grip onto something long enough to pull myself out. Or to feel like life is just beating the crap out of me sometimes, if only just in my head.
What is it about people that makes them keep everything to themselves? Is it this false security blanket that makes them feel safe if they don't speak about it? Or a pride issue? Some of my problems I probably wouldn't admit to, but alot of them I would and I have because I feel like it's my responsibility to let other people know that it's normal to have problems and if I have a struggle that they share if I've found any comfort or any way of solving it, I should be informing them of how I made it better or carried on. I'm tired of being surrounded by people who never have any problems because I feel abnormal. I feel like I'm just plain messed up. I feel like I'm screwing up in so many ways that are unfixable. Like I'm stupid, I mean, I must be if all these people get things to go their way all the time and yet here I sit swimming against the current, or swimming up hill like a trout trying to go home.
I want to be surrounded by people who own up to their mistakes, their trials and tribulations, their struggles, their real opinions and why they have them, their passions. I want real conversation, I want real friendship, I want real people. The amount of real people I know I could probably count on one hand (Not related to me). And it annoys me. People walk around with this fascad that is clearly visible to me. Be who you are, no apologies, or go away. Don't say things to make someone feel better when it isn't true, don't agree to things you don't agree with just to avoid conflict, and don't pretend to be somebody to make another person happy because you love them. It's just another way of being a liar.
You know. Distracted is probably the worst thing you can be in life. It's no way to live. Focus is so important and yet we rarely give it to the things that really count. I always think when I wake up, I'm going to spend the day with Ryley and spend time with him, but through out the day things rob me of that joy and him of the time with me. Like cleaning incessantly because for some reason I'm the only one that can put things back... or gardening because the plants are going to die if I don't... or laundry because my work clothes are dirty and in the bottom of the hamper... or steam cleaning or vacuuming because I've spotted more fleas (And nobody ELSE is going to do it)... or bills because I've forgotten again that bill needs to be paid today! I'm tired of life. I can't ever just focus on the things I want to and that are important because I get no help in the mundane tasks that pile up and seem never ending. They don't mean anything in the long run and yet in the long run I've lost years of my life just cleaning up after people. I hate it.
In more way than one.
For once, I want things to stay where I put them. People to be who they claim to be. Life to sit still for just long enough to feel like I've been a good mother in a single day. And for me to feel in love again because it's been far too long since I've felt that for anything but my son.
I've lost my love for so many things, journeys have given me alot of cynicism and it's just sadder than anything to me to sit here and have to be honest to myself in admitting that I am not the person I was...which would be ok if I was better, but I'm not, I'm worse. I used to have faith in people. Faith in God. Faith that good always prevails. Faith in myself. The last one is probably the biggest failure in my life.
So no, I will be clear in stating that it is not because "I'm miserable" that I want company. It's because I feel like I'm the only screw up that doesn't quite know how to grip onto something long enough to pull myself out. Or to feel like life is just beating the crap out of me sometimes, if only just in my head.
Comments