Then again...
I guess you can never tell about emotions right off the bat. That's something that only time can bring honesty about. Emotions tend to be tricky anyways. While being perfectly logical about the miscarriage and loss of baby, knowing that I had nothing to do with it and it's actually a courtesy performed by the natural order that God created in your body; the not having the baby still sucks. And when November rolls around it will suck again. And even thinking about "trying" to have another kid sucks because now I'll be worried the whole time with the next one if it'll happen like this again. I hate to sound insensitive, again, but it was such a waste of time. All those weeks of waiting and hoping and dreaming, wasted.
And then to go through the miscarriage, all those painful contractions and essentially going through child labor to only flush it down the toilet (literally). TMI, I'm sure. It was the 3rd worst experience of my life, physically. Almost passing out in a shower, almost throwing up (nausea really sucks), and then having my hands and legs go completely numb to where I couldn't even move them... the contractions were less than a minute apart and extremely painful. THANK GOD FOR IBUPROFEN SOFTGELS, is all I have to say. And a husband that is willing to stand there and draw on your back, or even remotely comfort you while you're going through something so horrible.
I was really looking forward to Ryley having a baby sister or brother. I was looking forward to the baby and the extra member to our family. I won't deny it, because it'd be obviously a lie.
But what sucks worse is the time now that I have to wait... my Doctor said it is recommended to wait 6 months so your uterus lining has fully recovered and is strong for the next pregnancy. It's risky if you don't wait because there is a chance your uterus lining could break and that would be .....bad. But even if there wasn't a recommendation I would still because it's been a pretty traumatic experience. And I'm kind of angry with my body, I guess. I feel like it let me down. I feel like it needs to be trained and controlled again. The last few years it feels like my body has been controlling me. Bogging me down, making me tired and bringing me unnecessary pain. Unnecessary unhappiness. Because I've let it have it's way on things. Diet, exercise, health. I haven't taken the reigns and told it how it's gonna be. And I need to. I feel out of control.
Everything in life seems so out of my control. I do the best I can in ever situation I am in and yet it still seems to not be good enough in almost every circumstance. At work, in personal relationships, etc. No matter how hard I work I still can't control where it leads me. I guess I'm working towards the wrong things?
I guess it is true (We're doing a bible study lately that is titled "How to be more than just a good bible study girl") that everything you have in your life that you expect to bring you fulfillment will give you the same response as the false gods in the story with Elijah and the 850 false prophets. Silence. No response. No one is there. Because anything you expect to do Gods job that isn't God, will only bring you UNfulfillment.
Time to get shipshape.
And then to go through the miscarriage, all those painful contractions and essentially going through child labor to only flush it down the toilet (literally). TMI, I'm sure. It was the 3rd worst experience of my life, physically. Almost passing out in a shower, almost throwing up (nausea really sucks), and then having my hands and legs go completely numb to where I couldn't even move them... the contractions were less than a minute apart and extremely painful. THANK GOD FOR IBUPROFEN SOFTGELS, is all I have to say. And a husband that is willing to stand there and draw on your back, or even remotely comfort you while you're going through something so horrible.
I was really looking forward to Ryley having a baby sister or brother. I was looking forward to the baby and the extra member to our family. I won't deny it, because it'd be obviously a lie.
But what sucks worse is the time now that I have to wait... my Doctor said it is recommended to wait 6 months so your uterus lining has fully recovered and is strong for the next pregnancy. It's risky if you don't wait because there is a chance your uterus lining could break and that would be .....bad. But even if there wasn't a recommendation I would still because it's been a pretty traumatic experience. And I'm kind of angry with my body, I guess. I feel like it let me down. I feel like it needs to be trained and controlled again. The last few years it feels like my body has been controlling me. Bogging me down, making me tired and bringing me unnecessary pain. Unnecessary unhappiness. Because I've let it have it's way on things. Diet, exercise, health. I haven't taken the reigns and told it how it's gonna be. And I need to. I feel out of control.
Everything in life seems so out of my control. I do the best I can in ever situation I am in and yet it still seems to not be good enough in almost every circumstance. At work, in personal relationships, etc. No matter how hard I work I still can't control where it leads me. I guess I'm working towards the wrong things?
I guess it is true (We're doing a bible study lately that is titled "How to be more than just a good bible study girl") that everything you have in your life that you expect to bring you fulfillment will give you the same response as the false gods in the story with Elijah and the 850 false prophets. Silence. No response. No one is there. Because anything you expect to do Gods job that isn't God, will only bring you UNfulfillment.
Time to get shipshape.
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