At 1:24 AM
I think to myself, how can I be better? I know, I know, you can't possibly count the ways, but in all honesty I'm thinking in terms of realistic expectations of my role as Mommy and wife and just plain Julie.
How can I be more Patient, Kind, Gentle, Understanding, Loving, And wise?
It's been a long time coming, navigating through a fog of unsettled hurts and confusion to finally come back around to face the sun. Let me tell you it isn't fun to go through a fog, especially when you were also going through parenthood for the first time and your first and second year of marriage. It tends to add pressure to everything, or maybe the fog came because of the pressure and stress that already existed?
I miss feeling like I knew where the answers were, like at any given moment I could just flip the pages of the bible and my answers were there. The bible has always been like math to me, I can recite and get the right answers, but I don't quite get the formula. It never truly makes sense to me. Or feels "real". My whole life I think I did it because it was what I was taught to believe in and because I didn't know anything else. And I still don't know anything else, but I'd like to feel deeper than I do if only because my responsibilities weigh so much heavier on me now than just simple adulthood. Now I have the responsibility of the heart and mind of an innocent child that will believe anything. So what am I going to fill his head with?
Some days I hate the television. I feel like it steals your soul basically. Especially when for some people it controls all of your free time. I never understood how families came to the conclusion that the T.V. was great together time, don't get me wrong sometimes I do like to just snuggle up and watch a good comedy with the fam, but as a regular occurance? No. I like to hear silence, to have open air to think and be creative. Or to hear just music. Or to read books with Ryley, or color, or talk to him or just play. I do occasionally like to play piano also and I can tell you from personal experience in my house growing up, it is an insult that your family would rather sit watching the tv than spend time with you. That is one thing that without fail always upset me, if the TV was turned on while I was practicing piano.
Somedays I do wish I lived back in the day... before all this technology. Back when you grew all your own vegetables and washed your clothes by hand and made all your food by hand and your children grew up beside you learning trades and being apart of the household. Before this notion that children shouldn't do chores, or be expected anything of because it's their "childhood". Yes, childhood is precious, but childhood is just a transition and they should be being prepared as they go. Besides, I don't know who started the nasty rumor that chores cannot be fun! I always loved work, as long as my family was beside me. It didn't matter what I was doing, if somebody is doing it with me it is always enjoyable. Be it digging, raking leaves, doing laundry, or dishes... It makes you feel good inside.
I don't want to just be myself anymore, I need to be so much more than that. And I know the only way that is going to happen is by filling my mind with good stuff, practice, and lots of prayer on everyone's part! ;)
I have some personal goals for myself to add to the list of lists...hehehe...
1. Health: Start a liver/gallbladder cleanse to prepare my body for extra inhabitants (haha) This will not be a fun thing because this requires drinking alot of beet/raddish juice and that stuff is just way nasty. I really do wish Jesus would give me the love of the taste of dirt and fire ants, because that's what it tastes like!
2. Lose Weight: This also falls in the "health" category. I want to get in shape so that physically I will be able to give my children the best gift in the world! A mother that is involved in every aspect of play! This requires working out and that is part of what I want to do with tax refund, if we have any extra! I need a gym membership! If only for my sanity!
3. Read the bible more: I need to catch up for lost time. It's been years since I've been regular in this category and everyone that knew me can certainly see the difference, I'm sure.
4. Read Books: I have a stack of books that are half read, including Dave Ramsey's financial book and work booklet and a few marriage ones also, I'm sure there's a few parenting books sprinkled in there too. hehehe.
5. Get more involved with church: I lost my guster for being involved in church with our last church experience and even though I do not believe in some of the things in my present church, I need to be present for Ryley. I had a church family when I was a kid and it is invaluable.
How can I be more Patient, Kind, Gentle, Understanding, Loving, And wise?
It's been a long time coming, navigating through a fog of unsettled hurts and confusion to finally come back around to face the sun. Let me tell you it isn't fun to go through a fog, especially when you were also going through parenthood for the first time and your first and second year of marriage. It tends to add pressure to everything, or maybe the fog came because of the pressure and stress that already existed?
I miss feeling like I knew where the answers were, like at any given moment I could just flip the pages of the bible and my answers were there. The bible has always been like math to me, I can recite and get the right answers, but I don't quite get the formula. It never truly makes sense to me. Or feels "real". My whole life I think I did it because it was what I was taught to believe in and because I didn't know anything else. And I still don't know anything else, but I'd like to feel deeper than I do if only because my responsibilities weigh so much heavier on me now than just simple adulthood. Now I have the responsibility of the heart and mind of an innocent child that will believe anything. So what am I going to fill his head with?
Some days I hate the television. I feel like it steals your soul basically. Especially when for some people it controls all of your free time. I never understood how families came to the conclusion that the T.V. was great together time, don't get me wrong sometimes I do like to just snuggle up and watch a good comedy with the fam, but as a regular occurance? No. I like to hear silence, to have open air to think and be creative. Or to hear just music. Or to read books with Ryley, or color, or talk to him or just play. I do occasionally like to play piano also and I can tell you from personal experience in my house growing up, it is an insult that your family would rather sit watching the tv than spend time with you. That is one thing that without fail always upset me, if the TV was turned on while I was practicing piano.
Somedays I do wish I lived back in the day... before all this technology. Back when you grew all your own vegetables and washed your clothes by hand and made all your food by hand and your children grew up beside you learning trades and being apart of the household. Before this notion that children shouldn't do chores, or be expected anything of because it's their "childhood". Yes, childhood is precious, but childhood is just a transition and they should be being prepared as they go. Besides, I don't know who started the nasty rumor that chores cannot be fun! I always loved work, as long as my family was beside me. It didn't matter what I was doing, if somebody is doing it with me it is always enjoyable. Be it digging, raking leaves, doing laundry, or dishes... It makes you feel good inside.
I don't want to just be myself anymore, I need to be so much more than that. And I know the only way that is going to happen is by filling my mind with good stuff, practice, and lots of prayer on everyone's part! ;)
I have some personal goals for myself to add to the list of lists...hehehe...
1. Health: Start a liver/gallbladder cleanse to prepare my body for extra inhabitants (haha) This will not be a fun thing because this requires drinking alot of beet/raddish juice and that stuff is just way nasty. I really do wish Jesus would give me the love of the taste of dirt and fire ants, because that's what it tastes like!
2. Lose Weight: This also falls in the "health" category. I want to get in shape so that physically I will be able to give my children the best gift in the world! A mother that is involved in every aspect of play! This requires working out and that is part of what I want to do with tax refund, if we have any extra! I need a gym membership! If only for my sanity!
3. Read the bible more: I need to catch up for lost time. It's been years since I've been regular in this category and everyone that knew me can certainly see the difference, I'm sure.
4. Read Books: I have a stack of books that are half read, including Dave Ramsey's financial book and work booklet and a few marriage ones also, I'm sure there's a few parenting books sprinkled in there too. hehehe.
5. Get more involved with church: I lost my guster for being involved in church with our last church experience and even though I do not believe in some of the things in my present church, I need to be present for Ryley. I had a church family when I was a kid and it is invaluable.
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