Do you think sometimes life can be so traumatic that you can just fall under a fog and live your life that way for years? That you can have so many hurtful endings and lose too many friends that you find it all comes back like flashbacks from war? That you can wake up one day and realize there are years of your life that you simply can't remember much from, just snippets, like amnesia patients?

I believe that some people wear their hearts on their sleeve without even wanting to or knowing how to control it. And because of that they keep all that injury not knowing how to heal quickly enough between broken parts, it can feel like you're simply jumping from one heart break to the next and the only real life was the few moments between it all.

You want to forget it, but the missing pieces actually make it an obsession to put it back together. It's kind of terrible. You analyze everything to death. It begins to feel like a suicide.

And all the while these people can never truly give themselves to anyone because they don't know how to. And the space that is quiet in their mind, where all the thoughts happen, expands each time they go through a tragedy. Just unavailable. And I don't even know if they have a choice at all. Life becomes exhausting to live and every conversation becomes a chore unless they're in that rare mood where words are just there. Normally the words come late at night when it's quiet and you're trying to sleep and the mind won't let you because you can finally hear them.

I don't know how to be anything other than this and sometimes it makes me sad because I wish I knew how to just be open. Be free. But sometimes I'm just too tired to even want to exist.

It feels like a sickness. But sometimes I wonder how much hormones play a role in all of it?

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