Insecurities

Two people rarely love each other the equally at the same time. In fact, I'm starting to believe that that occurrence is an anomaly. And I'm left wondering why it's so hard to achieve?

In my life experience I've always felt like I loved too much, watching the ones I love closely, observing their behavior comparing it to my own. I'm sure it wasn't always so that I cared more, sometimes I'm very sure I felt substantially less. And in those cases the others had to watch and feel what it feels like to feel undervalued. And then there's the fact that we all show love in different ways.

Why do some of us struggle feeling valued? I find it extremely hard to trust when people tell me they love me. I'm so jaded by hearing those words and being treated the exact opposite of what love should be -- but with my personality to be honest, it wouldn't have taken much for me to learn how untrustworthy the population is.

I think the phrase  "Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me" was coined for people like me and it isn't all my fault. Simply to preserve myself something inside shuts down. I bury my feelings so I don't feel pain from rejection. Sometimes I avoid feeling for someone altogether just so I won't chance being hurt.

Natural?

When I shut off it takes a very patience, consistent person to ease me out. Most aren't. Most give up. Most move on. Most don't care enough -- hence proving my original point of shutting off to begin with.

I don't want to be left standing there waiting, again, loving while I watch people live on without me quite comfortably. Like there is no place for me. And once again I feel like the fool out in the rain watching someone through a window.

Always. Always. Always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. And it's a terrible feeling. I'm available. Always available. I think I just feel like I'm supposed to be alone and so I make sure I am. I say to myself that they're happier without me and I'm making myself to look like a fool chasing people down to talk to me.

I don't know what normal is, because I'm not normal. haha I have taken that into consideration. I just don't process feelings and thoughts like I think most people do. I pick them apart, detail by detail. Word for word I rehear what they say to me and dig into it as if there is some code or deeper context to it all. There is a secret meaning, there is a but... hanging in the air. They're not telling me everything. They're saying that to spare my feelings.

Insecurities are my largest flaw. And I don't know how to hide them well enough and I don't know how to grow out of them.

Comments

Popular Posts